May
11
An Open Letter to the Craigslist ‘Apartment for Rent’ Section
Posted by: sammy | May 11, 2011 | 6 Comments
To Whom it May Concern,
Hello, my name is Samantha Nock and I am an earnest and hardworking fulltime UBC student looking for a place to live for the up coming academic year. I am not looking for anything fancy, just something to rest my head at, have friends over and do my homework in. I don’t expect a jacuzzi or a penthouse, or the place Blair Waldorf lives in – I just need a place to live.
But, for the love of all that is holy, learn to make a post that doesn’t try to sell me the Hilton when really it’s Bev’s Discount Motel. I don’t want to live in your basement suite, $1850 a month (cockroaches included in price) hell hole of a crack house. I don’t want an “up and coming neighbourhood” that forces me to have bars on my windows, and 24 deadlocks on my front door. The words “cozy”, “sweet” and “homey” really mean “it’s tiny, but I’m going to overcharge you anyway.”
And please understand, there is a difference between “15 minutes to UBC” and “it’s a 15 minute walk to the nearest point of civilization where you’ll find a bus that brings you to a bus, that brings you to the skytrain that brings to you to the bus that will bring you to UBC.”
Please – don’t try and sell me your stained furniture either.
I don’t understand what you’re really trying to get at either, it’s not like I’m ordering a house online and you’re going to FEDEX me it in the next 3-4 business days. No, I’m going to see this place before I sign a cheque. So when you say “Cute and Cozy” and I walk in and it looks like “Murder and Bedbugs” I’m not going to pay you my monthly rent. And don’t try to sell me that crap that you’re looking for “responsible, mature, quiet renters” when there’s a recycling bin full of Vodka bottles and a neighbourhood full of howling basset hounds. I’m not an idiot – you’re neighbourhood isn’t that quiet when you live next to the bloody railroad tracks.
Also, don’t try and sell me “half utilities” and tell me half is $40 of internet and $60 worth of television when in the post it said 12 channels and TELUS dial-up.
WHY lie to me in the first place? When you say your place looks like this:
When really it looks like this:
It makes me think you tried to lure me there to kill me and hide me in the walls, because there is no way anyone in their right mind would rent a place like that for the price you’re asking.
My next question is, WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO TAKE PICTURES? Because the ones you posted make me think that either you took pictures while having a seizure or that you think the smaller they are the more I wont see.
Thank you, no really, thank you for taking pictures of HALF your kitchen… that’s awesome. Also, that’s a nice hallway and OH is that a corner of the living room? Oh my God it is the corner! JUST want I wanted to spend my money on, a dusty corner. What, there’s two bedrooms? Really? Because the only picture I see is of your kitchen sink. This leads me to believe that you have half a kitchen, a dusty corner and then the rest of the apartment was lost in a freak Volcano eruption.
One last thing,
WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR ENTIRE POST IN CAPS IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YOU’RE YELLING AT ME.
With love,
Samantha M. Nock.
Comments
6 Comments so far
you be angry girl!
I’d like a link to this posting.
That was fabulous. The letter, that is, not your experience.
I do hope you find an actually nice place soon.
This made me lol 😀
HAHAHAH. Yes. There are a lot of anonymous faces worth writing letters to.
Is the second picture taken by you??? OO its aweful!!!