Jun
5
Missing in Action: Eight Legs, Hairy, Eight Eyes, Pure Fear
Posted by: sammy | June 5, 2011 | 4 Comments
So, last night I got blitzkrieged by this guy:
Okay so, anyone that knows me knows I am arachnophobic… but not your usual run of the mill arachnophobe, no… I am the jump over any obsticles including a giant pit of poisonous snakes with razor blade fangs arachnophobic. I don’t just scream, I scream and run like a masked murderer had just jumped in my room and proclaimed “Heeeeeere’s Johnny!”
Last night after being downtown and celebrating the Canucks’ OT victory I was walking through my hallway, minding my own business talking to my friend on the phone when I saw it. There, on my carpet was this giant, eight legged ball of pure fear and evil. Now, don’t try and feed me that shit that “spiders are here for your betterment, they catch all the other creepy, crawly bugs you don’t want in your house.” You know what I say to that? LET THE BUG PLAGUE REIGN! Spiders are not here for my betterment, they are here for my torment and every nightmare I’ve had since I could start recalling my dreams.
all rationalization has left the room at this point, a long with my hopes and dreams of ever traveling to Australia home of spiders the size of Buicks.
So okay, back to last night when I was broke into by that ugly mother f… piece of nature.
A normal person would do the rational thing and yanno… grab a book or something and kill it. No, I did the leap of faith into the next room, hyperventilating like a girl in the ’50s who just saw Elvis gyrate. So, after coming to (somewhat) of a calm state, I did what any girl that lives alone would do… I called my mother and started crying. My mother, suppressing all laughter in her voice did what any loving mother would do and said suck it up Samantha you’re almost 20 grab a broom and kill it. This is where I replied to my mother saying that it was size of a Zeppelin, minus it actually being a helium filled death trap. So, maybe it wasn’t the size of a blimp, but the bastard took a two part attack to kill it. It took one part carpet bomb from my Philosophy 100 textbook followed by 1980s-esque slasher film dismemberment a la kitchen broom. Finally, in a fit of adrenaline driven Spidercide, I killed the fugly arachnid.
After I kill a spider I always have two irrational thoughts:
1) It secretly sent out a tiny spider message to all its little spider family members, and like a hit on the Saprano’s, I’m going to get whacked one night by the Arachno Mafia.
and
2) In my mind I feel like I am one of those of Discovery Channel documentaries narrated by some man with a soothing British accent talking about the daily life of a North American house spider.
Here lurks the Rhabidosa rabida in the corners, preying upon unsuspecting college girls in their sleep. Rhabidosa knows no boundaries and will haunt your dreams at night, and every time there is lint on your carpet you are destined to stare at it longer than one should stare at a piece of lint, wondering if it’s a piece of cotton or really an eight legged reincarnation of your nightmares.
Like I said before, all rational thinking left the room.
There are no more spiders in my apartment (that I can see), but that doesn’t stop me from having a small-scale seizure if I see something on the carpet or if something brushes up against my leg. Either the men in the white suits are going to come and exterminate the spiders in my house or take me to a nice, white padded room and let me talk to someone who has a deep knowledge of Freud.
PS.
Who ever picked the carpet colour for Fairview should know that it’s the exact same colour as the spiders. So either the bastards are adapting to the dorms or someone needs to redecorate.
Comments
4 Comments so far
Is that a picture of the actual spider you killed or a picture of a look-a-like you found on the internet?
I think this is one of the greatest things I have ever read.
FYI, when you later updated your twitter about becoming a “recluse”, I just saw that one word and for one “Holy Sh*t, Sam almost died, way” moment, thought you were saying that the it was a recluse spider.
I’m an arachnophobe too 🙁
Last year, there was a massive spider in my lab’s hallway, and I was walking with somebody else from my lab who also happened to be arachnophobic. When we saw the spider, we both stopped. The spider stopped too. We both stared at each other. And then all of a sudden, the spider starting to dash towards us. The person I was with started to run back the way we came, so I decided to kill the spider. I jumped on the spider. But when I looked under my shoe to verify spider guts, there was nothing there! So I spent the next like 6 hours freaking out that the spider might have been super fast and crawled up my pants when I tried to jump on it. For the record, we never found the body… >.>;;