Category Archives: anxiety

Lessons Learned From an Opera

Posted on by

Or more to the point, lessons I learned from playing an opera.

If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that in the past, playing in the orchestra has majorly stressed me out, made me feel intimidated and incapable, and my fear of ensemble playing even drove me to a panic attack this January. However, with the help of mindfulness classes and gaining experience playing the opera, I’ve learned a lot. I just finished playing another orchestra concert last Friday and the whole process was much smoother, less nerve-wracking, and actually fun.

The first thing I realized was that everybody is here to learn. Not everyone is going to hit every note at the first rehearsal, and there’s a decent chance no one will even notice if you mess up. And there is a definite chance that no one is going to hate your guts if you mess up. We’re all students – making mistakes is part of learning! If you do make a mistake, it’s your job to figure out why and fix it for next time, but beating yourself up over it is totally uncalled for.

Another thing I learned somewhere along the way is to not take criticism personally. If the conductor tells you you’ve done something wrong, it’s simply because you need to fix it for the sake of making the ensemble sound the best that it can. It doesn’t mean that the conductor hates you, or that you’re a horrible person. The key word in “constructive criticism” is constructive.

Feeling intimidated still? Don’t! The next thing I learned was to play confidently. Playing confidently, even though it seems scary, actually helps you play better. And being too scared to play loud enough isn’t a way around your fear of someone hearing you play something wrong; you’re actually not doing your job if you can’t be heard when you need to be. Breathe in, say you yourself, “I can do this! Anything can go right!” and let the music flow. It’ll come right out.

And finally, don’t be afraid to ask questions. I sat in on a Vancouver Symphony Orchestra rehearsal this Sunday, and they just pipe up with any questions they may have right away. It’s better for everyone if you can clear up any confusion from the moment it arises. If you’re not sure if you should ask the conductor, you can always start with your section leader. (Story time! During the last orchestra concert, I was having trouble hearing from where the harps were set on stage. I emailed the conductor and talked to the stage manager and it got cleared up! Problem solving for the win!)

Basically, it gets better with more experience, and also with a more objective attitude. Stay calm and believe in your capabilities and you’ll be fine. After all, what’s the best that could happen?

Stress Management via Mindfulness

Posted on by

It’s true, I’ve written a lot about stress.  However, over the past six weeks I’ve been involved in a Mindfulness Skills group/class-thing through Counselling Services in Brock Hall, and since doing that I’ve learned a lot of valuable skills for managing stress.

First of all, I’d like to talk a little bit about the group itself: everyone there is open minded, non-judgmental, and there for the same reason you are: to learn to deal with stress better.  Confidentiality is expected from everyone, so I will be talking just from my own perspective and share with you some of the things I’ve learned. They’ve helped me a lot!

We all have our coping strategies, whether it’s to distract ourselves with TV or video games, taking time for ourselves by taking a walk or exercising, or chowing down on some comfort food. At some point, all of these things have made us feel better and less stressed out. But sometimes, those strategies don’t work; this is where mindfulness can be very handy.

What is mindfulness? Well, I can’t exactly condense six weekly of sessions into a blog post, but this is the gist of it: you pay attention to where your thoughts and emotions are, be present in the moment, and suspend judgment.

So for example, try holding a random object that has no particular meaning to you. Notice all of the details you can see and touch, focusing all your attention on that object. Your mind will wander; it was built to think after all. Just notice those thoughts and allow them to pass, and return your attention to your object, without judging yourself (berating yourself) for your mind wandering.  Congratulations! You’ve just practiced mindfulness. By being totally present in just paying attention to details in your external surroundings, you can ground yourself when you start to feel overwhelmed and think with a clear head.

You can also focus on internal sensations. Imagine a circle of light is around the top of your head. Now pay attention to all the feelings in that part of your body, and as you imagine the band of light moving down towards your toes, focus just on the parts of your body that are in the range of the light. Notice any tightness in your muscles or anything your skin is touching. Or, you can focus on your breath, and how your ribcage will expand and contract as you breathe in and out.

These are two great ways of calming your mind when you start to feel your stress spinning your thoughts out of control. Another one following these principals that really helps calm me down when I start feeling stressed out or upset is called “5 4 3 2 1.” Basically, you name five things you can see, five things you can hear, and five things you can touch. Then four things you can see, four things you can hear, and four things you can touch. And so on until you reach one.  If you’re feeling upset, it brings your attention away from  that emotion what was causing the distress. When I’m done, I usually find that I can think a lot more clearly and the tension that builds in my chest releases.

Mindfulness can really be applied to anything.  Basically it’s about being in the present, paying attention to details and your thoughts, and not judging.  So let’s say you start stressing out because you got a bad grade on a test. First, you notice that your thoughts are starting to obsess over this grade. You think, huh, I’m pretty disappointed by that grade. My thoughts seem to really be thinking about that a lot. Maybe I’ll pay really close attention to my surroundings so I can calm down. Okay. Now I’ll look at it objectively: This is the mark that I got. I can’t change the past, but I can change how I react in the present so I can shape the future. I’ll accept this grade, and try to identify how I can do better for the next test.

Granted, this is all easier said than done. You have to practice at it. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I’m getting my point across! I am by no means an expert in this. If you are interested in mindfulness and/or want to get a handle on dealing with your stress, I strongly recommend checking out the Mindfulness Skills Group at Counselling Services in Brock Hall. There are way more aspects to this that I can’t really get to and way more exercises that they can give you.

Since attending the class, I’ve been able to deal with stressful situations a lot better: when I’m upset with someone, I can calm myself down. If I make a mistake at orchestra rehearsal, I can be objective about it and practice more for the next time rather than beating myself up for it. If I start getting overwhelmed and exaggerating the situation, I can bring myself back. This class was probably the best thing I did for myself this year.

Counselling Services

Posted on by

Today I’d like to share something with you that I’m a little bit shy to share. However, it’s a topic that I feel should be more okay to discuss, so here I go.

January marks the beginning of rehearsals for the opera UBC will be putting on at the beginning of February (Dialogues des Carmelites, Poulenc, 1953-55).  Since I got my part before winter break, I’ve been stressing out like crazy about it. Ensembles stress me out in general; although my part is not particularly challenging, I don’t have a lot of confidence in my ability to move with a conductor, and I’m worried I’ll count the rests wrong and come in at the wrong place. Heaven forbid I should play a wrong note!  Although it’s doubtful that anyone would say anything to me, and most of the orchestra would probably not even notice, when I make a mistake, I feel as though I’ve committed some horrible crime.  The root of it is I feel ashamed of myself when I judge that I’ve played badly.

However, I didn’t really grasp just how terrified I was to play, just in a rehearsal.

I had been dreading coming back to school, and I felt quite down since I got back last night.  I sat outside the room where gamelan ensemble rehearses before class started, and a masters student who would also be playing in the opera started talking to me about the opera. Basically, she confirmed my fears that following the conductor is a lot harder than in regular orchestra, you rarely get cues, and it’s very easy to get lost.

I tried to keep talking and stay calm, but I could feel tears coming up behind my eyes. I excused myself to the washroom to try to compose myself. I thought I succeeded after a few jerky breaths and wiped up tears. I headed back to the rehearsal room and thought I was fine, but after a few minutes I had to rush off to the bathroom again because I just couldn’t shake that anxious feeling. Cue more crying and hyperventilating. At this point I didn’t know if I could get through the class, but I thought once we started playing I’d get distracted. Nope. Nope nope nope.  Crying in public is so embarrassing! When it became very clear that I wasn’t going to be able to stop any time soon, I told my instructor I was feeling unwell and he let me leave. (Thank you thank you thank you!!)

I gathered my things, trying not to feel the stares of my classmates as I left the room. I headed back to the washroom and cried even harder. My breath came too fast, in shallow gasps, and attempts to slow it down failed. I said to myself, “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.”  All I felt was fear and panic and anxiety. Well hello there, first ever panic attack. Once I calmed down enough to breathe properly, I decided I’d go to Counselling Services. If this stress is enough to cause me to leave class, it’s time to do something about it.

Counselling Services are available Monday to Friday 9:30 am to 3:30 pm. You can just drop in for your first appointment, although you’ll probably be waiting at least an hour for your 20-minute appointment, maybe more. They get you to fill out a bunch of paperwork and then when it’s your turn they invite you in with what I’m sure is a very practiced soothing voice and talk to you about your situation. I’m sorry that I sound cynical, but I think that because it’s so easy to feel defensive about needing counselling, so you deceive yourself into thinking that others are patronizing you. But in actuality, the soothing voice actually did calm me down a lot without me realizing it.

Generally speaking, I’m mentally very healthy, I like myself and my life, and usually I’m pretty healthy, but I don’t deal with stress very well and I’ve got it, it messes me up and gets me down. So I was referred to a group stress class that meets on Wednesday evenings. I’m told that it isn’t a “everyone share your feelings” AA-style support group, it’s a sort of meeting where counsellors will talk with you and give you some tools to help deal with your stress or anxiety. I’ll be sure to report back and let you know how that goes.

Honestly, I felt a bit self-conscious walking through the frosted glass doors in Brock Hall. I even felt nervous before my  appointment came up. I felt a bit embarrassed when once again I couldn’t hold my tears in when I started talking to my counsellor. But the thing is, no one there is going to judge you. They didn’t judge me. You can be sure they’ve seen all kinds of problems, and they’re there to help you deal with yours.

Needing help with your mental health often comes with a stigma; people don’t want to talk about it or let anyone know they need it. But maybe if we talked about it more, more people would feel comfortable enough to get the help they need and live a happier life. That’s why I’ve shared my story with you.

 

 

Read the post on the stress management class HERE.

Stress.

Posted on by

As university students, we all experience stress in some way. Sometimes it is ignorable, sometimes it is  totally manageable, and at times it can feel utterly debilitating. Time management and relaxation strategies can work wonders with the first two scenarios, but for the last one, sometimes they just don’t cut it.

When I get this “intense stress” as I will call it, it feels like no matter how I organize myself, there are just not enough hours in the day to do everything I have to do. Because I have so. Much. Stuff. To. Do.  There is just so much I need to accomplish it’s overwhelming and I seriously doubt my ability to do it. And taking time for myself, meditating, exercising, and “relaxing” activities can’t take my brain off of everything I should be doing at that moment and worrying I won’t be able to do it all and that I won’t be able to do it well enough.

When I get intense stress, I tend to:

  1.  Tell myself I can handle it and micromanage my time; this often involves not giving myself enough time to relax and have fun, and also staying up later and getting up earlier to try to cram more stuff in a day. Less sleep and less brain-off time is the perfect breeding ground for intense stress.
  2. Focus poorly. When my brain is in ten million places at once, I can’t focus properly on the task at hand.
  3. Get frustrated. I can’t focus, and I’m running on a fried brain.  Do you think I’m getting good results from my labor? No.
  4. Push harder. I’m frustrated with my lack of progress, so I push myself harder to try to get them. Hello even more tired brain.  I tell myself I should stop (this usually goes for practicing for me), but I haven’t accomplished what I wanted to yet so I keep saying “Just a little longer” for what turns into a lot longer, resulting in even less progress and possibly injury (in the case of my hands).
  5. Cry. I break. I lie on the floor for a while.  I question my abilities and also the fairness of the universe.
  6. Check in with reality. Okay, clearly what I’m doing is not working, made obvious by my breakdown. I need to take a break. I need to breathe. I need to remember that even in the worst case scenario, I will still be alive, and there will still be people who love me. And those, above all, are the most important things. What I have to do isn’t going to be easy; it might not be fun.  But there is a pretty good chance things are going to be okay.  However, letting your stress possess you isn’t the way to get there.

What am I going to do now? Well, honestly, I’m not sure. I’m going to take it a day at a time. I’m going to take more me time, sleep more, not pack my days so full. Not get mad at myself if things don’t go the way I want. I’m going to do my best, and if it isn’t good enough, well. I’m just going to try to get through this degree, and then live my life at a pace I like.

Also I’m maybe going to look into stress management classes.

 

“I Don’t Belong Here” Syndrome

Posted on by

Diagnosis: “I Don’t Belong Here” Syndrome

Symptoms: Feelings of low self-esteem and confidence, worthlessness, anxiety, stress, depression, doubt. Wondering if one really has what it takes to be a UBC student.

Unfortunately, it is all too common this time of year for students to develop “I Don’t Belong Here” Syndrome.  With finals looming, you look at your midterm marks which maybe as high as you were hoping, and if you’re in first year, probably not as high as your high school marks, and you wonder if you’re really smart enough to be at UBC.  Your previous marks disappointed you, and your brain is tired now and you wonder if you can muster the strength to finish that final 100 metre stretch of the race.

It happens to me too.  Since I can’t practice much because of my hands, the pieces I’m working on aren’t in the kind of shape I’d like them to be in, and all of my peers seem to be miles ahead of me. In my harp quartet jury (like a test-performance which you get graded on), I didn’t perform nearly as well as I wanted to, and I started getting in a funk.  Throughout the year, I feel less than confident about my abilities, and although my teacher frequently tells me that I’m doing well and that I’m talented, I can’t help but feel like I’m just not good enough.

But the truth is, I’m doing fine. I’m just psyching myself out. And if the above symptoms sound like you, that’s what you’re doing too.  If I was no good at harp, I wouldn’t have been admitted.  Everyone who gets into UBC is smart.  So if you were smart enough to get in, you’re smart enough to stay in.

Your courses are designed to be challenging and push you to your limits.  If you feel like you need help, that’s nothing to be ashamed of; that’s why UBC has tons of academic resources for you to take advantage of.

You do belong here! Try not to get discouraged. UBC chose you, after all, and they weren’t wrong about i!