For the sake of clarity, brevity and ensuring details are highlighted, here are self-editing tips:
In serious need of editing:
I enjoyed reading your introductory sentence for your statement of the problem. I do not see any problems with the way this was phrased. Your two main statements regarding the problem are very-well thought out, but I do believe that you could have changed the wording slightly. For instance, instead of “high caliber employees”, you could change this to “highly qualified employees”. That way the wording sounds more fluid as you are going through the proposal. Also, I realize that Dr. Paterson is the audience you are directing this proposal toward, but the phrase “business insolvency” is slightly confusing for myself. I am not sure, but this might be something to consider rephrasing.
Edited for conciseness: Your introductory sentence is enjoyable: nicely phrased and free of errors. The two problem statements (the need for better qualified employees and recruitment difficulties and issues) are thoughtful but awkward: “high caliber employees” could change to “highly qualified employees.” Consider providing a parenthetical definition for “business insolvency” for your reader’s ease.
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** Missing details:
“What about this issue is the most problematic? -> what is the issue?
Rewrite: Why is it important for the U.B.C. writing Centre to offer multi-language instructors?
“Do most students agree that this is a problem that needs to be addressed?” -> What is the problem?
Rewrite: What percentage of students agree that there is a need for multi-lingual instructors in the Writing Centre?
DETAILS please!
Without details:
My research proposal contains the following:
- Introduction of Topic
- Statement of Problem
- Proposed Solutions
- Scope of Questions
- Forms of Primary and Secondary Sources
- My Qualifications
- Conclusion
With Details:
My research proposal contains the following:
- Introduction of Topic – Improper recycling at Mobify
- Statement of Problem – Negative effects due to improper recycling
- Proposed Solutions – Educate, labeling, technology
- Scope of Questions – Areas to focus my research
- Forms of Primary and Secondary Sources – Observation and interview with various people
- My Qualifications – Fresh point of view of the company and passion for the environment
- Conclusion – Wrap up
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“What has U.B.C. done so far to deal with this problem”? -> again, what is the problem
Rewrite: Has U.B.C. addressed the problem of students who need instruction in their native language at the Writing Centre
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