To: Beenish Fatima, English 301 student
From: Brionne McWilliams, English 301 student
Date: March 5th, 2019
Subject: Brionne’s Peer Review of Beenish’s Memo Writing With “You” Attitude
Thank you, Beenish, for your memorandum demonstrating the “you”- attitude. You listed important strategies for writing effective emails in a professional context. I would like to offer the following suggestions:
First Impressions
• Based on my first impression, your memorandum offers many useful strategies covering a range of writing concerns.
• A major strength of the memo is the inclusion of detailed advice and specific examples on ways to improve professional writing. Evan can clearly see the benefits of incorporating the suggested tips.
• One area of improvement is to list the effective strategies informatively rather than instructing the reader to fix errors.
Formatting and Organization
• Strategies are bolded to emphasize important takeaways in the memo. However, consider formatting the strategies into a bulleted list to further enhance organization and readability.
• A memorandum should include “MEMO” at the top of the document.
• Consider including bolded headings for each section of the memo. For example, incorporating headings such as “Introduction, Tips for Writing Effective Email a Professor, and Conclusion” will tell the reader what, how and when to expect information.
Introduction
• The introduction clearly outlines the purpose of the memorandum. However, the language is not particularly friendly, and the tone is quite critical.
• Consider presenting the strategies more informatively rather than providing advice on how to fix the “list of errors” Evan has made. Avoid emphasizing the negatives and perhaps focus on describing techniques the reader can actively use to improve their professional writing.
Body (Tips for professional writing)
• Excellent job providing specific examples he can follow to edit his writing! Detailed information and examples such as including an academic email address, indicating relevant details to include in the subject line, and including a generic salutation, are great ways to illustrate effective writing techniques.
• While each suggestion is helpful and points out a fundamental error in his original writing, the language used may insult the reader. When a negative point is necessary, try to use the least negative language to express the point. •Constructive criticism is provided, but due to the emphasis on negativity (describing the reader’s flaws), goodwill may not be built. Consider reframing the error list by emphasizing positivity to build goodwill. Instead of calling it an error list, outline the strategies that can be used to specifically benefit Ivan’s writing. Acknowledging Ivan’s perspective will make him believe he is the most important person in the business relationship.
• Consider editing out negative language describing the reader’s flaws such as “The email address used is unfitting”, “reflects poorly”, “detrimental”, “lacks deep consideration”. Using friendly and informative language to discuss writing techniques will create a more positive impression on the reader. In most professional situations, the goal of correspondence is to convince the reader to act on something. Therefore, it is crucial to consider the reader’s point of view when writing the memo.
• Showing Ivan how he can use the strategies in his writing emphasizes the positive attributes of your correspondence. Instead of identifying wording that needs improvement, such as in the bolded error list stating “Email lacks subject heading”, perhaps rephrasing the flaw in a positive way by providing tips to improve his previous weaknesses. Consider rewriting the error listed above to “Including a concise and detailed subject heading can demonstrate the importance of the email, which in turn may produce a high click rate”.
• Using polite and conversational speech can show respect for the reader’s intelligence. For example, the second sentence in the introduction has a condescending tone and states “These will help you pose your request in a professional and respectful manner and allow you to effectively inquire about placement in an at-capacity course section.” Perhaps revise to “The following suggestions should be helpful in addressing your reader respectfully and professionally ensuring a positive impression.”
• Removing “you” from the body of the memo will demonstrate ‘you’ attitude towards Evan. Instead, focus on ‘us’ to avoid isolating the reader.
Conclusion
• Strong ending but consider including an academic email that Evan can contact you with if he has any questions or concerns.
• Ending the memo with positive encouragement leaves a favorable impression on your reader.
Writing Style
• The firm writing style adopted is consistent and expresses the significant impact of each mistake Evan made. After each mistake is explained, advise is given on how to fix it and an example is given. The sequence of information provides a concise method to follow when self-editing.
• As mentioned previously, adopting a more positive and informative tone will ensure that the reader is appreciated and respected.
Grammar and Technical Errors
Concision
• Make writing more concise by editing out pronouns. Rewrite “I” and “my”. Over-use of the pronoun, professional writers focus on the readers.
• Stay in the present tense with reviews.
• Avoid unnecessary words/info.
• Avoid the word “it” and “This”. Replace with more specific nouns to make writing more clear.
• Edit with a focus on removing verbs and pronouns
• Avoid the negative. Rephrase in the positive which can also eliminate unnecessary words.
• Avoid There sentence openers.
Simplify terms to increase readability:
• “inquire about” Rewrite: “ask”.
• “point of view” Rewrite: “position” or “attitude”
• “does not have” Rewrite: “lacks”
• “in relation to” Rewrite: “of, for, to, in”
• “utilizing” Rewrite: “using”
• “will result in” Rewrite: “cause”
• . “the processing of” Rewrite: “processing”
• “In a professional and respectful manner” Rewrite:“professionally and respectfully”
Eliminate unnecessary words to make clearer and more concise:
• “If you have any additional questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact me.” Rewrite:“If you have questions please contact me.”
• Eliminate – unnecessary words-“From the beginning”
• Eliminate– “the importance of”
• Eliminate– “in a manner”
Clarity
• Avoid using vague pronouns and use the present tense to increase clarity. For example, “ It indicates that there is a recognition of the value of their work and ensures their actions are not taken for granted.” Rewrite: “Including appreciation statements emphasize the value of the reader’s work and ensure their actions are not taken for granted”.
• Avoid starting a sentence with “There is”. For example, “There is unhelpful emphasis placed on your struggle with registration in the email” is wordy and confusing. The confusing sentence makes readers question who placed unhelpful emphasis on your struggle with registration in the email? Consider using an active voice, rather than a passive voice to increase readability.
• Proofread for typos and correct tense of verbs. For example, “Emails lacks expressions of thankfulness and appreciation” Rewrite: “Emails lack expressions of thankfulness and appreciation”.
Grammar
• Review the proper use of commas to join clauses of a sentence. Consider linking clauses of a sentence by replacing the comma with a semicolon, or adding a conjunction after the comma. Moreover, to avoid run-on sentences split longer sentences into shorter and more concise sentences. Listed below are two examples of possible rewrites using a colon instead of a comma
o “The listed suggestions are based on the components of You-Attitude writing, they aim..” Rewrite: “The listed suggestions are based on the components of You-Attitude writing; they aim”
o “Consider using an academic email (ex. @alumni.ubc.ca), this “ Rewrite: “Consider using an academic email (ex. @alumni.ubc.ca); this”
Concluding Comments
The main suggestions for improving professional writing using ‘you’ attitude include:
• Edit out or rephrase the negative.
• Eliminate the pronoun “you”.
• Avoid imperatives within the body of the memo.
• Rephrase the strategies to focus on what effective writers do.
•Avoid the word “it” and “This”. Replace with more specific nouns to make writing more concise.
• Edit with a focus on removing verbs and pronouns.
Overall, you have created a clear and concise memo on writing strategies that will be beneficial in professional settings. I hope my suggestions help you during your editing. Please feel free to email me at Brionne.mcwilliams@alumni.ubc.ca if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Brionne McWilliams
Enclosure: Memo Writing with “You” Attitude – Beenish Fatima
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