To: Alicia DeGelder
From: Dakota Tryhuba
Date: March 28, 2019
Subject: Peer Review of Application Package
Dear Alicia,
As per our course instructions, I have just reviewed your rough draft application package. Overall, I am impressed with the quality of your application and believe you are well on your way to receiving an excellent grade! I have included a few minor suggestions below to help you refine your final draft and improve your odds at success.
Job Information
Well done. Appropriate details are provided.
Cover Letter
Overall, your cover letter is well-written. You did a great job a giving a concise yet detailed description of your relevant work experience to the position you are applying for. A minor adjustment I would consider is to specify your degree as a Bachelor of Science rather than just Science to sound more professional. As well, there is a minor typo where it should read “…allowed me the ability…” rather than “…allowed be the ability…”
You also have a tendency to write in the passive voice such as, “I am currently employed as an administrative assistant…” Most readers prefer the active voice such, i.e.
“My current role as an administrative assistant in the Microbiology department at Kelowna General Hospital requires excellent organizational skills, a keen eye for detail, and ability to be highly self-motivated, as supervision is limited. During my time at KGH, I have improved my proficiency with Microsoft Office programs such as Word, Excel and Visio.”
The active voice provides more clarity, brevity, accountability, or certainty than the active voice.
Also, the numeral 3 is used instead of the word spelled out. Consider spelling out the number for formality.
Resume
The objective is evident. Well done. Spelling error where it should read “booking travel etc.”
Reference Letters
Letter #1: Consider adjusting your writing to the active voice to convey certainty in the reader. I also do not see a need to hyphenate the words “patient safety” as this is not a compound word.
Original: “I also held myself to high standards, ensuring that all work was done with a focus on patient-safety.”
Active voice revision: “I also held myself to high standards, ensuring that all work focused on patient safety.”
The word “greatly” and “really” are often overused. Consider using a more specific synonym like “much” or simply dropping “greatly” altogether in your first and last letters to improve the sharpness of your writing (I see you did not use it in your second letter).
Revision: “Any advice you can provide so that I may improve in the future would be much appreciated.”
Letter #2: The sentence: “…and would appreciate if you would be willing to write a reference letter on my behalf.” appears to be missing a pronoun after the verb “appreciate” (I noticed this minor error in Letter #3 as well).
Revision: “I would appreciate it if you would be willing to write a reference letter on my behalf.”
In your second letter, I would consider using a more specific synonym than “originally” such as “initially” to improve the sharpness of your writing.
Revision: “During my time working under your leadership, I have gained many new skills and have improved on those that I had initially brought to the position.”
The word “positions” appears repeatedly in this letter. Consider using a synonym such as “roles” in its place.
Revision: “I appreciate that you trusted me to work independently and feel that my ability to self-motivate will be an asset in future roles.”
It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory clause in the sentence: “If you have any questions, you can contact me at alicia.degelder@alumni.ubc.ca.”
Letter #3: The word “provided” seems to be used repeatedly in this letter. Consider using a synonym such as “presented”.
Revision: “I hope I have presented you with reliable and exemplary work…”
Consider removing the word “really” from the sentence “I would really appreciate it if…” as it is not necessary for this sentence.
Conclusion
Overall, well done! You maintained a consistent polite and friendly tone throughout your application. I would consider changing some parts from the passive to the active voice and clean up some typing errors, but other than the few grammatical corrections, I think you are well on your way to a successful application package. I hope you found this feedback useful and that my suggestions were useful in your final draft of your application package. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you have any questions, or concerns on any of my suggestions. You can contact me via email at dakota.tryhuba@alumni.ubc.ca. Best of luck!
Best,
Dakota Tryhuba
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