Allow me to re-introduce myself, says Spencer Keys as he snuggles up to the limited female hacks who still read UBC Insiders.
gerald deo photo
Spencer Keys was the 96th President of the Alma Mater Society and the first insufferable prat to start saying which number he was. He spent his time afterwards working for provincial and national student associations and working as a consulting lobbyist in Ottawa.
What Spencer fails to mention, is that he is in fact a minute celebrity of the reality star fame. He starred in a documentary entitled College Days, College Nights that threw some UBC students in a house together and chronicled their lives. Yes, this really happened.
In the documentary, Spencer loses an election for VP External, goes on to ban slates (HE IS THE MAN SORT OF RESPONSIBLE* FOR LAST YEAR! DO YOU GET THE CONNECTION NOW???), and then becomes President of the AMS. All under the glory of cameras. [Editor’s Note: This is honestly my dream. If any film producers are reading this, my life is very entertaining]
So, Spencer was kind of a big deal. And after doing real world things, he’s come back to UBC under “unfortunate circumstances.” You should read his article, because the lack of campaigning is seriously so embarrassing.
And because you’re probably wondering when we’re going to go all alliterative on you, yes, Spencer is Sexy. But not just because he’s a tall ginger who dubs himself a gentlemen and wears dashing, waspy attire. No, Spencer is sexy because he tweets about both football and politics. He wants to be a lawyer [Editor’s Note: KAI GOT INTO UBC LAW SCHOOL BY THE WAY] and he actually somewhat cares about student engagement without being a hack who gets off by masturbating to their own accomplishments, which is rare. He can definitely lobby his way into our loins hearts any day.
*actually not responsible for people making fake websites or slate conundrums, at all.
Whoa. Hold your unicorn farts everyone.
In my former life as the political staffer for a unnamed university in the Alberta Capital Region, I knew Mr. Keys. To this day, I know him well, although I see him less than I would like.
Is he the non-Tourrette’s Kayne West of Canadian student politics? Most certainly, yes, he is. Did he leave the ladies biting their fingers and looking wantfully over their glasses as he walked through rooms of young impressionable delegates at the conferences of an unnamed national student lobby group? Oh dear me, yes. And is Mr. Keys a purveyor of a fine, lifestyle that paradoxically embraces decadence yet, masterfully, eschews it? UNDENIABLY.
Everything you have said about this amazing man is true. Except one thing: Spencer Keys most certainly masturbates to his own accomplishments. How could he not? They’re the only thing sexier than he is. If they were my accomplishments, they’d turn me on so much I’d be compelled to beat my mental dick like it owed me money.
FOR ENGLAND!