Category Archives: Total Dreamboat

Whistler Ben

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While we remembered to post yesterday’s Ben on our Facebook page (which is like, totally awesome and you should totally like, go like it) we forgot to post it on our blog. We apologize, dear readers.

So here is yesterday’s Ben AND today’s Ben…for your viewing pleasure.

Where does Ben stand on the Whistler Lodge issue? What do you even think of it – should we sell it because it “bleeds money” (according to VP Finance candidate Tristan) or is it a service worth keeping (according to Ski & Board President)?

Return of the Jedi

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Allow me to re-introduce myself, says Spencer Keys as he snuggles up to the limited female hacks who still read UBC Insiders. 

gerald deo photo

Spencer Keys was the 96th President of the Alma Mater Society and the first insufferable prat to start saying which number he was. He spent his time afterwards working for provincial and national student associations and working as a consulting lobbyist in Ottawa.

What Spencer fails to mention, is that he is in fact a minute celebrity of the reality star fame. He starred in a documentary entitled College Days, College Nights that threw some UBC students in a house together and chronicled their lives. Yes, this really happened.

In the documentary, Spencer loses an election for VP External, goes on to ban slates (HE IS THE MAN SORT OF RESPONSIBLE* FOR LAST YEAR! DO YOU GET THE CONNECTION NOW???), and then becomes President of the AMS. All under the glory of cameras. [Editor’s Note: This is honestly my dream. If any film producers are reading this, my life is very entertaining]

So, Spencer was kind of a big deal. And after doing real world things, he’s come back to UBC under “unfortunate circumstances.” You should read his article, because the lack of campaigning is seriously so embarrassing.

And because you’re probably wondering when we’re going to go all alliterative on you, yes, Spencer is Sexy. But not just because he’s a tall ginger who dubs himself a gentlemen and wears dashing, waspy attire. No, Spencer is sexy because he tweets about both football and politics. He wants to be a lawyer [Editor’s Note: KAI GOT INTO UBC LAW SCHOOL BY THE WAY] and he actually somewhat cares about student engagement without being a hack who gets off by masturbating to their own accomplishments, which is rare. He can definitely lobby his way into our loins hearts any day.

*actually not responsible for people making fake websites or slate conundrums, at all.

 

Meet Ekat!

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When not editing her resume, Ekat enjoys making excel sheets, creating flow charts and “networking” with industry professionals… Actually, that’s a lie; five years in Sauder has left her disillusioned and bitter. [Ed. – Isn’t that what you pay them for?]

the face of sustainable architecture, right hurr

more like E-Kute-rina! basically just a real live Kate Beaton comic

In fact, Ekat would much rather run away to Indonesia with some Salvadorian lover and write highly acclaimed beat poetry while building mud houses and shrines to Gaia. In this alternate universe, she would constantly post photos of her life on various social networks as to make everyone jealous of her. Instead, she fills this void by writing for AMS confidential which she believes is a viable current alternative (minus the lover part).

She feels she is more than prepared to take up this challenge during the upcoming elections not because she has almost dated the entire AMS external portfolio at one point, but rather because she ran in the elections and was an executive herself. She has no conflicts of interest other than her apparent attraction to hipsters, bassists or people that understand string theory. A combination of all three is her kryptonite.

Meet Bryce.

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it's what you see before death comes for you

This is Bryce's EXCITEMENT FACE

Bryce Warnes was reared in the piny wilderness of Vancouver Island. SKILLS: Cussing, wrastling (“mountain style” only), dream-travel, haiku. WEAKNESSES: Hard liquor, pretty mouths.
Warnes’s three years at UBC have painted him with a thin veneer of civility. But while he wears the garb and apes the speech of city folk, he is at heart a savage and recalcitrant creature.
As per the request of his caretaker/trainer, AMS Confidential is allowing Warnes the opportunity to publicly form his thoughts into human words.

It’s Gettin’ Hack in Here

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So, we’re currently in the midst of UBC Votes elections…but who the hell cares? Scandal, hotness, we can’t seem to uncover you! What we have noticed, however, is the infiltration of an abundance of hot hacks on campus. Because this blog (and cough single editor cough) finds student politics extremely titillating, let’s get this verbal foreplay over with and get down and dirty with Canada’s finest Presidents and VP Externals visiting for the CASA Conference.

The CASA Team

photo taken by his grandma.

Alex Lougheed: After almost a year, UBC’s favourite policy wonk/the competition/not my ex-boyfriend has returned in a professional capacity as an employee of CASA. Only this time, his hair is more hipster and we stole his Athabasca trophy.

Jessica Seguin: Member Relations for CASA, she came to present at AMS Council last week and, well, Erik didn’t even try to hold back his enthusiasm for how hot she is. She is definitely a babe, but we have a piece of advice for you, darling: run!

he's interviewing with the globe and mail in this pic. knees, weak.

Zach Dayler: This National Director of CASA has his phone number on the internet and seems to be the perfect mixture between geek chic and awkward WASP. Oh, did we mention he was wearing hipster specs at Council last week? We’d also like to imagine that he is more of a rainbows than unicorns kind of guy who’d make you see double rainbows all night long.

Marianka Charalambij: For all you diligent readers who are secretly in love with Taylor but prefer blondes, this is the girl for you. Marianka is the Public Relations and Communications lady, worked at lululemon, and was also a cheerleader…like Taylor. Anyway, Marianka is also a TOTAL HOTTIE and probably has a super sexy accent to go along with her mad dragonboat paddling skillz.

Dalhousie Hotties

Okay, we’ve tweeted this before, but you HAVE TO WATCH THESE VIDEOS, both Chris and Rob seem freaking hilarious and totes droolworthy.

Chris Saulnier: President of DSU, we deem him the hottest hack on campus. Look at that smile! He even made a Justin Bieber themed election video! He’s an engineer, tweets, and enjoys the great outdoors (okay, we don’t, but we’ll imagine it’s charming). We’re just left daydreaming about whether he can juggle fire both in and out of the bedroom…

Rob LeForte: Any man that wears pink spandex has our heart forever. The VP Academic and External for DSU enjoys gangster rap, according to his Twitter. If only we could cuddle with him and a unicorn during a classic movie, all our carebear dreams would come true.

Other Notable Hotties

Hardave Birk: This UofC VP External fella wants to have Ekat’s babies, who can blame him? Plus, he has a freaking tumblr, that’s like the key to our hearts.

Nikki Harris: She has the best title ever, SOOO jealous…VP Princess Street. Yes, this is legit, apparently it’s some campus in Manitoba. Who wouldn’t want to date a princess, fellas?

We hope you’ve all gotten your fix of some serious eye candy, because the agenda for this conference is hella boring. And to all you delegates we skipped over, including our very own, forgive us. To those we did include, please don’t sue us. To everyone reading this from another student union who has never read Confidential before…start your own goddamn VoterMedia already! UNICORNS4EVER, SPARKLE TOGETHER <3


The First Annual Flamingos

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Awards season appears to be over with the climax of The Oscars…or is it? Full disclosure, I was too busy watching the Justin Bieber movie instead of the Academy Awards, so I don’t really know what kind of competition we’re up against here. Anyway, here’s AMS Confidential’s take on the last years entertainment in council chambers. We give you…The Flamingos.

[image redacted to protect people doing better things with their lives now]

Brittany Perna was elected as the International Students Rep, and at her first meeting the AMS decided to axe the position altogether for next year’s elections. BritBrit still could have retained her seat for the whole year, lobbying for the international kids and all, but chose to skip all the council meetings instead.

Elin Tayyar never failed to make us swoon with his hipster style every meeting. Just look at this photo, it’s like pixel sex. And seriously, who else do you know who can rock PLAID pants?

Bijan Ahmadian doesn’t win a flamingo, but hey, this is us being nice to him. We could have said a lot of other things, but we just really don’t like this shirt. Or his fur lined jackets. Or his cuffed jeans, etc.

Amanda Li is fierce. Not only is she super hot, she’s also an engineer. Besides having to put up with guys all the time and a severe lack of ladies, she is also President of the EUS and can probably outdrink every other non-engineer guy on council. Who wouldn’t tap that?

Michael Haack wasn’t elected as VP Admin, but unlike every other person who doesn’t get elected, he decided to run in the AUS Elections for AMS Rep. Since then, Michael has gotten involved in a lot of committees and has grown from being somewhat knollie to being a good leader-of-the-opposition type of guy. We were really sad he didn’t run for VP Admin again, and it’s been fun watching him evolve into a cute little butterfly over the last year.

Ben Cappellacci came on the scene as a relative no one to anyone not in Sauder. At first we thought he was your typical frat guy, but over the year we’ve found out that he is so much more than that. Ladies, he is also single. Ben worked really hard this year on a whole bunch of things – like implementing Credit/D/Fail but most notably for lobbying on the Land Use Plan. He stepped in to fill Bijan’s shoes by leading the referendum committee and was overall stellar at pretty much everything he did, especially for having no earlier hack experience. We already miss him, and his ridiculous tweets on Wednesday nights.

Oh, Ryan Trasolini. Pretty sure that he is at the point now where he just wants to forget that he was ever involved in AMS politics. However, let’s reminiscence: after his election resulted in a tie, with the tie breaker being cast for the other candidate, he appealed. After the appeal didn’t go the way he wanted, he went to student court, where they tried to throw out the entire election. Then Brian Platt stepped down in order for the AUS Executive to vote to appoint an interim President, and Ryan brought some of his frat friends to proxy and vote for him so he could win. After that, he got to be AUS President, woopdeedoo, where they got their account frozen for operating without a budget. But back to the AMS – Ryan was the chair of the Student Life Committee which was supposed to be dealing with the Block Party fiasco and making a plan for it to be fiscally sustainable. Turns out that he didn’t do any of this, leaving Crystal Hon to pick up the pieces in just a few weeks. We advise Ryan to just stick to spinning sick beats in the future.

Have some other suggestions for The Flamingos? Leave in the comments or email to amsconfidential [at] gmail.com

Don’t forget to vote for us in VoterMedia, right here!

Guest Post: Hacks I want to fuck

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This is a guest post by GlitterGirl. She is a little embarrassed to say her real name and fears sexual harassment suits, but she is involved in the hackosphere and is super hot. [Editor’s Note: I promise that I didn’t write the part about UBC Insiders!!]

Andrew C.
What can I say? Boy with a beautiful head of curls and a pair of very handy hands. That’s hot, and I can’t believe the girls aren’t already all over this one. And if you’ve seen him at council, you know he’s got the goods. A man with that much passion and fire always drives me mad with desire. Status: Single.

Sex: Drunk, hard and heavy. Orgasms so many ways you think you’d gone to orgasm heaven. Engineers are innovative, right?


Spencer R.
He’s definitely got that S.N.A.G. vibe going. Blonde haired and such striking gorgeous blue eyes. Who needs lights, those babies will light the whole room just like that. And such beautiful bone structure.

Status: In a Relationship…jealous.

Sex: Dreamy and gentle, with a soft sheen of pure sustainable light emanating from his body, until he starts talking about Plato mid-thrust. Things will go downhill from there.

Dylan C.
Dylan. Oh Dylan, Dylan, Dylan. You’re the adorable boy next door, having a bake sale every other week for some obscure charities like “Help Flamingos Stay Pink” and “Give Abandoned Pet Rocks A New Home!” I’ll pretend to be interested in helping orphaned and abandoned Christmas trees, and we’ll hit it off. He also signs up with “Love”! How adorbs is that?!

Status: Single.

Sex: Awkward at first, but will leave you feeling full of pure, unadulterated loving. Might even melt cold black heart of icy darkness.

That Guy Who Writes UBC Insiders
What he lacks in stature, he makes up in pure power. Both in brain and in body. Have you seen this man in motion? He is a fucking machine. Now convert that energy into something more useful, like fucking your brains out. Don’t underestimate the Asian guy—he’s got the whole package.

Status: The gossip changes daily.

Sex: Powerbar it—it’s going to be the sex marathon of your life.


Elin T.
He’s tall, dark, well-dressed, and handsome. Isn’t there always one in those trashy romance novels? And remember the sex in those books? Always body-writhingly good. ‘Nuff said.

Status: Single.

Sex: “He mastered her mouth and her body until she was weeping with it. He murmured brokenly in French, and her arousal gushed through her like a tidal wave, a solid wall of incredible pleasure that took her past the point of return. Ripples of ecstasy flooded through her, changing her, making her indelibly his.” (Blogger’s note: I really need some real-life sex)

Shocked by an omission? Speculating on Sheldon? Got your own opinions about who you’d like to hump on Council/AMS/GSS? Sing out, darlings, in the comments below. And remember—it’s all in good fun until we have to hire a legal team.

Please don’t make us hire a legal team.

The 2011 Sparkle Surveys: Part 1

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For all other blogs, today’s endorsement day. For us, it’s make up your own damn mind day, otherwise known as our rad video endorsements ran out of batteries. we’re workin’ on it. In the meantime, sweet readers, set the lights to low and imagine we’re whispering in your ear.

‘Cause baby, let’s not deny this thing between us: You’re Kurt Hummel, and I’m that Blaine hottie from the super-tolerant boys’ school, and it’s cold outside. Join me for a heartwarming duet, and let’s snuggle up to these fiery candidates as we bring back, smoother than late-night jazz, the first of our Classic Confidential Surveys.

Filipino/Irish. CATHOLIC DREAMBOAAAAAAAT

Highlights from this edition: MOTHERFUCKING SEAN HEISLER brings it (again), Justin Yang tells us how he really feel about Issues That Matter, Arash Ehteshami really wants your love, and two (2) candidates open up about their Gossip Girl-themed nicknames. Plus, a kitty! Who says we never bring the real news?

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This Is Very Peculiar.

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Shinerama is one of those things you hear about all the time but don’t actually know what it is. There are currently no events listed on their website, but stay tuned. A while ago we tweeted about how if your team wins their little contest Shinerama, not only do you get a TROPHY but you also get a FREE PIZZA PARTY! University students, as we always say, are essentially the same as second graders.

Anyway, behold the wonderful powers-that-be over in the President’s office while they try to explain what, exactly, Shinerama does. Is? Oh, man, we sat through like three meetings about this…

And Now: our skilled scientific analysis.

this is a very peculiar photo.

Who are those sexy hunks of sex appeal? these mysterious morph suit men? The Confidential Investigative team reports.

We’d recognize those chiseled abs on Blue Steel any day. Combined with his head size shape, Blue Steel is definitely Ben “The Sitaution” Cappellacci, one of UBC’s most eligible bachelors (NB: We said it first, Kate and Darrell). Which means our taller, oranger, chuckling friend could only be… El Rico Suave, Elin Tayyar? Way to expand those portfolios, boys.

Also going on our totally eligible & totally copyrighted list: Shinerama Hottie (Nicole? um, we totally missed her perky, charitable name in all the excitement). In this screenshot, she’s totally captivated by the morph men…one of whom seems a little, er, excited.

it happens to everyone at one time or other...

sell that cause, sweetheart. sell it reeeaaalll subtle.

Let the memes begin! There’s already a YTMND (yeah, seriously).