To go with your a.m. selection: Introducing the matrix of all matrixes, The Hipster-Hack Matrix. Literal eons in the making, we’re not even kidding, this may just be the next BCG matrix (don’t know what that is? #sauderfail). So hold on to your down-belows, take a deep breath and let’s dive in.
The matrix is divided into four quadrants based on the candidates’ relative hipster and hack tendencies. But old person, you say, what’s a hack? Basically, student politics is a giant, often quirky, sometimes weird and always insular clique. The more you are involved in student government, the more you’re a hack—and that can be good or bad.
So, are you involved (good) or have you totally lost sight of the average student experience (bad)? To help you determine which candidate best meets your hip-hack needs, we’ve gone ahead and positioned everyone on the scale for your viewing (and voting!) pleasure.
This post brought to you by The Confidential Team—mostly Ekat. As always, all statistics on this blog are made up. We’re sorry; we know some of you are engineers.
Why hello there, loyal readers. It’s been so long. We’ve partied at Block Party, procrastinated our studying for exams, and celebrated the end of the year. And now, summer school is upon some of you.
Do you know what else is upon you? The AMS. Oh, also, The Government. And the opposite sex. So hopefully you are getting your democratic freak on. Forgive me, I am way too tired to create epic doodles of grandiose proportions or write anything that is at all funny. Short and sweet, like that one night stand from last night, no?
There’s an Election Today, Go Vote
Vote! Vote! Vote! If you decide not to vote for our super awesome Premier who wears super duper awesome necklaces in super interviews about the super duper UBC Line (get it? she’s super), I don’t care. Just go vote if you live in the Vancouver-Point Grey riding. Polls are open from 8am-8pm and all the info is here.
AMS Council Returns With Doom II
Remember that painful debate about CASA? Yeah, well it’s going to happen again, tonight. At the same meeting where we’re discussing the preliminary budget, spending 40k to hire consultants on the Whistler Lodge, and having a whole slew of committee appointments. Lovely.
So, here’s the deal. The AMS voted to remain as Associate Members of CASA this year (we’d previously been Full Members, then were going to leave entirely until last second) for a lot of reasons. Mainly, it’s half the cost and people didn’t know what the budget situation was like, wanted to focus funds on provincial lobbying, and also had doubts about what CASA would actually do for UBC.
Fast forward two months and we’re in the same place again, because turns out that our fee is actually 3/4 the cost instead of half, due to this little gem from the CASA Constitution:
Associate Members shall work toward Full Membership through a two-year phase-in plan. In the first year, Associate Members shall be assessed ½ of the full membership fee. In the second year, Associate Members shall be assessed ¾ of the Full Member fee and, at the end of the second year, must either become a Full Member, or revert to non-member status. To qualify for this level of membership within CASA, a student association must not have been a Member during the most recent Fiscal Year.
So, basically, AMS Council should just decide whether or not to stay in CASA. It doesn’t make any sense to only be an Associate Member if the cost is 3/4 that of full membership, and the conference fees are all a fixed cost.
There have been grumblings that CASA didn’t prove just how awesome they were in this past election, when they had their moment to shine and show us what they got, so it should be interesting to see which way councillors will swing. All or nothing, dudes.
Confidential Gets More Blonde
Introducing our newest writer, Miss Alex of @thewoundeddeer Twitter fame. You mean, hawt blonde engineers exist? Why, yes they do. Be nice to our newest kitten as she navigates the inner workings of the hackosphere and drinks us all under the table while dominating at beer pong.
Anyway, since we like to embarrass everyone on the internet, here she is in all her red glory. Welcome, young padawan.
UBC Doesn’t Move to the NCAA After Three Years of Talking About It
Like, we don’t really care? It’s just sort of like that guy that you’ve been dating, and talked about moving in together, but it never actually happens and you just decide to keep doing your thing. Probably caused lots of drama, some fights, some deep long talks, all for nothing. But if you do care, go here. The burning question, though: Who has hotter athletes? The CIS or the NCAA?
Other Internal Things Happened In the Hackosphere/Blogosphere
if you google search "toope" this is one of the top results.
Things happened that we probably can’t post, for fear of being sued by people we’ve slept with. Because, you know, that’s just way too Maury. Just rest assured that the hookup chart is getting even more incestuous, people aren’t speaking to other people, and summer is going to be verrrry fun for our gossip lovin souls.
Think this post was lame? Yeah, I think so too. Why don’t you do something about your annoyance and apply to be a blogger? That’s right, we’re hiring. Once VFM $$$ gets reinstated, you will be paid for your posts. Send a quick email to amsconfidential at gmail.com saying why you want to write for us, what you want to write about, whether you prefer unicorns or rainbows, and what your favourite meme is. Because we’re all getting old and want to share our hacktastic knowledge. XOXO
Here’s your mid-week update on all the entertaining pieces of this extremely, extremely boring election. Seriously, candidates hooking up with each other last election (with photographic evidence to boot!) was so much more entertaining.
Last post, we lamented the fact that there are no black people in student politics. Apparently we were wrong. Enter Harsev Oshan, a student from Kenya running to be VP Student Life for the AUS. His campaign is eerily similar to Mike Moll’s as he takes pictures of his “I AM AUSOME” sign, instead of “I CAME TO LEAD.”
no doctoring necessary.
Reinforcing absolutely no stereotypes whatsoever, he released this video under the username “harsizzle” about why you should vote for him. Lyrics include “king of the jungle” (because he’s from Kenya, get it?) and something about how he will inject flava to the AUS. Props to these girls, because it probably took them forever to write this.
Speaking of videos, the AUS Presidential Debate video is now online, along with the two AMS rep videos we couldn’t stay awake through. In his final statement, Justin Yang offers up the metaphor of marriage:
When you have a wedding, you have something old and something new, something borrowed and something blue. I represent that. I’m something old, I’ve been here for four years. But I’m something new, the AUS is new to me. I’ve only been here for a year and that’s not enough. I’m something borrowed, because I was a part of SUS before I became part of the AUS. And I’m something blue, because I was part of SUS. But that’s behind me.
This is my promise to commit to the AUS. The AUS to me is not the other woman, this is my proposal. I’m coming in, and I’d really like to make the AUS my first love.
Arash replied with “I’ve been married to Arts since first year,” so we’re not sure how Sumedha is feeling right about now…
Meanwhile, in Poster Heaven, our own resident RobotBoy has possibly the cutest poster ever! Anyone that has “Our Tallest Senator Yet!” with a paragraph about his signature prep style just wins our hearts over again and again. Click to enlarge!
UBC Votes is kicking off Monday, and you have until Fridaaayy Fridayyyy to vote. You also get to vote for who you want to get some moniez for how they covered the elections. Here is why you should vote for us:
The MS-Paint-splattered brainchild of local twittebrity @taylorloren and angry coffee wench @queigh, @AMSConfidential shook up the AMS elections and captured the hearts & minds of hacks. Often-imitated but never surpassed, from day one we’ve brought the sparkle rainbow jams—hard-hitting, n00b-friendly coverage of news, made extra-sexy—and we just keep getting better. As we prepare to take on UBC VOTES-TRAVAGANZA, we pledge to uphold our devastatingly high standards, delivering only the freshest dope and the dopest shit to your RSS feed. Also, we have unicorns.
So, we’re currently in the midst of UBC Votes elections…but who the hell cares? Scandal, hotness, we can’t seem to uncover you! What we have noticed, however, is the infiltration of an abundance of hot hacks on campus. Because this blog (and cough single editor cough) finds student politics extremely titillating, let’s get this verbal foreplay over with and get down and dirty with Canada’s finest Presidents and VP Externals visiting for the CASA Conference.
The CASA Team
photo taken by his grandma.
Alex Lougheed: After almost a year, UBC’s favourite policy wonk/the competition/not my ex-boyfriend has returned in a professional capacity as an employee of CASA. Only this time, his hair is more hipster and we stole his Athabasca trophy.
Jessica Seguin: Member Relations for CASA, she came to present at AMS Council last week and, well, Erik didn’t even try to hold back his enthusiasm for how hot she is. She is definitely a babe, but we have a piece of advice for you, darling: run!
he's interviewing with the globe and mail in this pic. knees, weak.
Zach Dayler: This National Director of CASA has his phone number on the internet and seems to be the perfect mixture between geek chic and awkward WASP. Oh, did we mention he was wearing hipster specs at Council last week? We’d also like to imagine that he is more of a rainbows than unicorns kind of guy who’d make you see double rainbows all night long.
Marianka Charalambij: For all you diligent readers who are secretly in love with Taylor but prefer blondes, this is the girl for you. Marianka is the Public Relations and Communications lady, worked at lululemon, and was also a cheerleader…like Taylor. Anyway, Marianka is also a TOTAL HOTTIE and probably has a super sexy accent to go along with her mad dragonboat paddling skillz.
Okay, we’ve tweeted this before, but you HAVE TO WATCH THESE VIDEOS, both Chris and Rob seem freaking hilarious and totes droolworthy.
Chris Saulnier: President of DSU, we deem him the hottest hack on campus. Look at that smile! He even made a Justin Bieber themed election video! He’s an engineer, tweets, and enjoys the great outdoors (okay, we don’t, but we’ll imagine it’s charming). We’re just left daydreaming about whether he can juggle fire both in and out of the bedroom…
Rob LeForte: Any man that wears pink spandex has our heart forever. The VP Academic and External for DSU enjoys gangster rap, according to his Twitter. If only we could cuddle with him and a unicorn during a classic movie, all our carebear dreams would come true.
Other Notable Hotties
Hardave Birk: This UofC VP External fella wants to have Ekat’s babies, who can blame him? Plus, he has a freaking tumblr, that’s like the key to our hearts.
Nikki Harris: She has the best title ever, SOOO jealous…VP Princess Street. Yes, this is legit, apparently it’s some campus in Manitoba. Who wouldn’t want to date a princess, fellas?
We hope you’ve all gotten your fix of some serious eye candy, because the agenda for this conference is hella boring. And to all you delegates we skipped over, including our very own, forgive us. To those we did include, please don’t sue us. To everyone reading this from another student union who has never read Confidential before…start your own goddamn VoterMedia already! UNICORNS4EVER, SPARKLE TOGETHER <3
Awards season appears to be over with the climax of The Oscars…or is it? Full disclosure, I was too busy watching the Justin Bieber movie instead of the Academy Awards, so I don’t really know what kind of competition we’re up against here. Anyway, here’s AMS Confidential’s take on the last years entertainment in council chambers. We give you…The Flamingos.
[image redacted to protect people doing better things with their lives now]
Brittany Perna was elected as the International Students Rep, and at her first meeting the AMS decided to axe the position altogether for next year’s elections. BritBrit still could have retained her seat for the whole year, lobbying for the international kids and all, but chose to skip all the council meetings instead.
Elin Tayyar never failed to make us swoon with his hipster style every meeting. Just look at this photo, it’s like pixel sex. And seriously, who else do you know who can rock PLAID pants?
Bijan Ahmadian doesn’t win a flamingo, but hey, this is us being nice to him. We could have said a lot of other things, but we just really don’t like this shirt. Or his fur lined jackets. Or his cuffed jeans, etc.
Amanda Li is fierce. Not only is she super hot, she’s also an engineer. Besides having to put up with guys all the time and a severe lack of ladies, she is also President of the EUS and can probably outdrink every other non-engineer guy on council. Who wouldn’t tap that?
Michael Haack wasn’t elected as VP Admin, but unlike every other person who doesn’t get elected, he decided to run in the AUS Elections for AMS Rep. Since then, Michael has gotten involved in a lot of committees and has grown from being somewhat knollie to being a good leader-of-the-opposition type of guy. We were really sad he didn’t run for VP Admin again, and it’s been fun watching him evolve into a cute little butterfly over the last year.
Ben Cappellacci came on the scene as a relative no one to anyone not in Sauder. At first we thought he was your typical frat guy, but over the year we’ve found out that he is so much more than that. Ladies, he is also single. Ben worked really hard this year on a whole bunch of things – like implementing Credit/D/Fail but most notably for lobbying on the Land Use Plan. He stepped in to fill Bijan’s shoes by leading the referendum committee and was overall stellar at pretty much everything he did, especially for having no earlier hack experience. We already miss him, and his ridiculous tweets on Wednesday nights.
Oh, Ryan Trasolini. Pretty sure that he is at the point now where he just wants to forget that he was ever involved in AMS politics. However, let’s reminiscence: after his election resulted in a tie, with the tie breaker being cast for the other candidate, he appealed. After the appeal didn’t go the way he wanted, he went to student court, where they tried to throw out the entire election. Then Brian Platt stepped down in order for the AUS Executive to vote to appoint an interim President, and Ryan brought some of his frat friends to proxy and vote for him so he could win. After that, he got to be AUS President, woopdeedoo, where they got their account frozen for operating without a budget. But back to the AMS – Ryan was the chair of the Student Life Committee which was supposed to be dealing with the Block Party fiasco and making a plan for it to be fiscally sustainable. Turns out that he didn’t do any of this, leaving Crystal Hon to pick up the pieces in just a few weeks. We advise Ryan to just stick to spinning sick beats in the future.
Have some other suggestions for The Flamingos? Leave in the comments or email to amsconfidential [at] gmail.com
This is a guest post by GlitterGirl. She is a little embarrassed to say her real name and fears sexual harassment suits, but she is involved in the hackosphere and is super hot. [Editor’s Note: I promise that I didn’t write the part about UBC Insiders!!]
What can I say? Boy with a beautiful head of curls and a pair of very handy hands. That’s hot, and I can’t believe the girls aren’t already all over this one. And if you’ve seen him at council, you know he’s got the goods. A man with that much passion and fire always drives me mad with desire. Status: Single.
Sex: Drunk, hard and heavy. Orgasms so many ways you think you’d gone to orgasm heaven. Engineers are innovative, right?
He’s definitely got that S.N.A.G. vibe going. Blonde haired and such striking gorgeous blue eyes. Who needs lights, those babies will light the whole room just like that. And such beautiful bone structure.
Status: In a Relationship…jealous.
Sex: Dreamy and gentle, with a soft sheen of pure sustainable light emanating from his body, until he starts talking about Plato mid-thrust. Things will go downhill from there.
Dylan. Oh Dylan, Dylan, Dylan. You’re the adorable boy next door, having a bake sale every other week for some obscure charities like “Help Flamingos Stay Pink” and “Give Abandoned Pet Rocks A New Home!” I’ll pretend to be interested in helping orphaned and abandoned Christmas trees, and we’ll hit it off. He also signs up with “Love”! How adorbs is that?!
Sex: Awkward at first, but will leave you feeling full of pure, unadulterated loving. Might even melt cold black heart of icy darkness.
That Guy Who Writes UBC Insiders
What he lacks in stature, he makes up in pure power. Both in brain and in body. Have you seen this man in motion? He is a fucking machine. Now convert that energy into something more useful, like fucking your brains out. Don’t underestimate the Asian guy—he’s got the whole package.
Status: The gossip changes daily.
Sex: Powerbar it—it’s going to be the sex marathon of your life.
He’s tall, dark, well-dressed, and handsome. Isn’t there always one in those trashy romance novels? And remember the sex in those books? Always body-writhingly good. ‘Nuff said.
Sex: “He mastered her mouth and her body until she was weeping with it. He murmured brokenly in French, and her arousal gushed through her like a tidal wave, a solid wall of incredible pleasure that took her past the point of return. Ripples of ecstasy flooded through her, changing her, making her indelibly his.” (Blogger’s note: I really need some real-life sex)
Shocked by an omission? Speculating on Sheldon? Got your own opinions about who you’d like to hump on Council/AMS/GSS? Sing out, darlings, in the comments below. And remember—it’s all in good fun until we have to hire a legal team.
These are difficult times, what with the indiscriminate flyerfucking of campus, the slander/righteous media overhaul, and the general debacle that is Bijan Ahmadian’s political career.
At times like this, we turn to our port in a storm, our spiritual inspiration, and we ask ourselves, What Would Foxtrot Do? And then, the answer came to us, gleaming like Glenn Beck’s forehead in the soft light of the Spiderman 3 stage lights. FOXTROT WOULD RUN A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE SURVEY. BIGGEST RACE. BIGGEST SCANDAL. TOUGH QUESTIONS.
After the break, McElroy, Moll and Shaban face off, but we drop the ALL CAPS (kinda). In the interests of fairness, candidates are presented in alphabetical order.
You all know what a Commerce student is. Even though their new, expensive building keeps them oh-so-exclusive and they’re dwarfed in sized by Science and Arts, you’ve seen them around. There’s at least one of them running that club you’re in and they’re always click-click-clicking away on their Blackberries and Macbooks, dreaming of fast cars and fast money.
Last year’s Commerce candidates were filled with big names like Bijan (joint MBA/Law and bijan.ca), J Rebane (Kicking it with Pedobear), Ekat (a Foxtrot Fox) and Stas Pavlov (writes for these guys). There were seven Commerce candidates last year and almost all of them got elected!
(Interesting sidenote: the only candidate who beat a Commerce student last year was Jeremy McElroy, so look out, Moll!)
What did we do wrong, Sauder; what did we do?
So UBC, show those Commerce kiddies that you still care! Get out your boomboxes and your mix tapes and stand outside those Henry Angus windows! Better yet, maybe pretend to care about their upcoming CUS elections, which I hear some of the above names are running in.
Because underneath their Globe and Mail newspapers and cheap suits,
there beats a heart that wants to be loved. <3
(Bored by a post without any pictures? Don’t worry, our endorsements are going up REEAAAAL soon.