Guest Post: Hacks I want to fuck

This is a guest post by GlitterGirl. She is a little embarrassed to say her real name and fears sexual harassment suits, but she is involved in the hackosphere and is super hot. [Editor’s Note: I promise that I didn’t write the part about UBC Insiders!!]

Andrew C.
What can I say? Boy with a beautiful head of curls and a pair of very handy hands. That’s hot, and I can’t believe the girls aren’t already all over this one. And if you’ve seen him at council, you know he’s got the goods. A man with that much passion and fire always drives me mad with desire. Status: Single.

Sex: Drunk, hard and heavy. Orgasms so many ways you think you’d gone to orgasm heaven. Engineers are innovative, right?

Spencer R.
He’s definitely got that S.N.A.G. vibe going. Blonde haired and such striking gorgeous blue eyes. Who needs lights, those babies will light the whole room just like that. And such beautiful bone structure.

Status: In a Relationship…jealous.

Sex: Dreamy and gentle, with a soft sheen of pure sustainable light emanating from his body, until he starts talking about Plato mid-thrust. Things will go downhill from there.

Dylan C.
Dylan. Oh Dylan, Dylan, Dylan. You’re the adorable boy next door, having a bake sale every other week for some obscure charities like “Help Flamingos Stay Pink” and “Give Abandoned Pet Rocks A New Home!” I’ll pretend to be interested in helping orphaned and abandoned Christmas trees, and we’ll hit it off. He also signs up with “Love”! How adorbs is that?!

Status: Single.

Sex: Awkward at first, but will leave you feeling full of pure, unadulterated loving. Might even melt cold black heart of icy darkness.

That Guy Who Writes UBC Insiders
What he lacks in stature, he makes up in pure power. Both in brain and in body. Have you seen this man in motion? He is a fucking machine. Now convert that energy into something more useful, like fucking your brains out. Don’t underestimate the Asian guy—he’s got the whole package.

Status: The gossip changes daily.

Sex: Powerbar it—it’s going to be the sex marathon of your life.

Elin T.
He’s tall, dark, well-dressed, and handsome. Isn’t there always one in those trashy romance novels? And remember the sex in those books? Always body-writhingly good. ‘Nuff said.

Status: Single.

Sex: “He mastered her mouth and her body until she was weeping with it. He murmured brokenly in French, and her arousal gushed through her like a tidal wave, a solid wall of incredible pleasure that took her past the point of return. Ripples of ecstasy flooded through her, changing her, making her indelibly his.” (Blogger’s note: I really need some real-life sex)

Shocked by an omission? Speculating on Sheldon? Got your own opinions about who you’d like to hump on Council/AMS/GSS? Sing out, darlings, in the comments below. And remember—it’s all in good fun until we have to hire a legal team.

Please don’t make us hire a legal team.

9 thoughts on “Guest Post: Hacks I want to fuck

  1. Sean Cregten

    Hey, you might want to think carefully about what this does to these peoples’ internet presence and public image, presumably without their permission. Being able to commentate doesn’t make all commentary fair game.

    This post isn’t very amusing, informative, or fair to those in it – it’s just crass.

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