Tag Archives: matt parson

INFOGRAPHIC: Still can’t decide?

LAZY STUDENTS. We’ve sorted through three very similar presidential campaigns to bring you this: one-sentence differences on five key issues, from the cost of education to imagining the AMS is a lady/gentleman you’re taking out on a date. Keep our chart open in another window while you’re voting!

All answers have been condensed and paraphrased from debates hosted by The Ubyssey and the AMS Elections committee, with attention to statements made in interviews. We’ve tried very fucking hard to present opinions with great accuracy and no bias, but as always, we encourage readers to read the originals and become EPIC FUCKING HACKS. Our summaries—and background information on the issues—are after the jump.

Really lazy? We’ll be putting up endorsements and semantics in the next 24 hours. Click this amazing infographic below and vote on.


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Presidential Debate highlights: Too many for Tuesday

Here’s our second paraphrased debate highlights, this time from Tuesday. Tuesday’s debates were much livelier, with plenty of joke questions from both floor and moderation. Our most pressing question, however, was this: Why did Matt Parson have his shoes off? Major gross.

TUESDAY TUESDAY gonna try to slyly reference my role in a fraternity on Tuesday?


Question 5. Imagine you’re taking the AMS out on a date. Describe the date.

B: I’d send her a text that said “Hey girl, what are you doing tonight?” Take her to my favourite Italian restaurant on Robson, because I’m Italian. We’d eat delicious pasta, either vegetarian or not, depending on what the AMS is. Beautiful red wine. We’d talk about things that are important to her.

AJ: We’d take advantage of all the great things that UBC has to offer. We could start the day at the Museum of Anthropology, then trek down to Beaty and stare at the whale. Afterward, we could go to Sage and order some wine on our meal cards, because I’m assuming the AMS lives in residence? And is a first year? Wait, no, I don’t want to date the AMS any more. … Um. And then we would go to a Council meeting together. [Editor’s note: this can actually be sexy]

M: Considering how old the AMS is, I don’t know what I could take her out to. Maybe some tea and cribbage? and then, after that, maybe take her back to the frat house.


Question 9. As president, would you endorse the UBC Undie Run? And would you lead the pack?

Matt: I was on the Ubyssey video last year, doing a flip off the diving board! Wait, I shouldn’t have said that. But of course I endorse it! It’s fantastic, and the clothes go to charity! This is what college is all about!

AJ: I don’t think the AMS should officially endorse it… because it would lose its cool factor. But I would be there, why not?

B: [Raising his eyebrows, making inappropriate eye contact.] Yes. (Jeremy McElroy: “Creepy.”)


16: Are you worried about abusing power? How would you meet the challenge of using your power wisely?

[Boring answers explicating the balance of power in the AMS.]

Matt: [In addition to all the things the other candidates said] my friends are always making fun of me.


18: Ben: Are you going to Jello wrestle with me on Wednesday?

AJ: …sure?

M: I’ve been watching WWF clips all week.


19: The current President, Jeremy McElroy, is known for his beard. In fact, he used it for his campaign posters. He’s known as the guy with the beard. How do you want to see yourself branded?

AJ: Visual imagery? Topknot, big glasses. My real answer? As a strong leader.

M: I guess glasses and plaid is the theme?

B: [Smirking, wiggling his face.] Hey, girl.

We’ve achieved immortality.

This post was written by Kai, who has never jello wrestled in her life. She has, however, apparently dated both the figurative and literal face of the AMS.

Poster critiques from a hideous man

Editor’s note: This screed, scribbled in coarse ink on coarser paper, appeared in the secret drop-box of our hidden office in the SUB. Although loathesome to look upon, can we learn lessons from this unknown scribe? Will its vitriol overshadow its truths?

I was loathe, at first, to comment upon the campaign posters for the Presidential race. As a child, I was not allowed to look at photographs or mirrors; Father said they were “ikons of Beelzebub,” and that man only apishly mimicked what the Lord God alone was able to create. Being a free-thinking individual, I am more liberal in my views. Still, looking upon these images created a stirring in my bowels, a physical sense of wrong. Forgive me if my queasiness shows through my words.

The man Cappellacci

Here is a fellow who is familiar with his own visage, and finds it pleasing. The even dispersal of hair upon his cheek suggests to me an individual who has never worked a day’s honest labour in his life, has neither gutted the earth for riches nor felled the giants of the forest for fuel to warm his family. And yet, his face-bones are roughly hewn, too roughly, methinks, for those of an oily Mediterranean. Perhaps his father should enquire after the activities of the Pollack milk-man? But I digress.

I would not fain call any woman a hoor who, upon looking into Cappellacci’s eyes, found her loins whetted. Verily, these are the eyes of a man who retains a boy’s fresh senses, yet acts and speaks with the vigour of a man. I once saw such eyes on the face of a sailor who dwelt for a time above the gin-shop in Town. He was not long there before three milkmaids bore his whelps. If I recall, he left in the night, never to return. The children, all, were born disfigured. A sorry affair, and a warning to the softer sex: Guard your wombs ‘gainst the man Cappellacci.

The man Parson

It has been said that I harbour a weakness for pretty mouths, and a prettier mouth I have never seen than upon the man Parson. Those sculpted lips and that forgiving chin make the mouth of my own dear Maw-Maw seem like the foam-flecked meat-hole of a sottish charcoal burner. I do not say this lightly. During my years in the workhouse, a pretty mouth was a valued thing. A man might amass his own weight in tobacco or molasses if he possessed an orifice so fine as Parson’s and put it to worthy labour. O, but I do not wish such a sentence upon poor Parson. His shoulders are so slender, his skin birch-pale. The workhouse would break him like a cur beneath the wheels of the Foreman’s wagon.

Parson wears spectacles, which elicits my distrust. What use has a man for spectacles, lest he be in the employ of the Bank, mislaying the honest Worker’s salt and bread with his wily scrivening? Glasses are the acoutrement of a Clerk, and a Clerk’s word is not worth the soft white skin that holds him together.

And yet! That mouth. Had I not given my heart, in Dream-Time, to the Doe of the Mountain, I might offer it to that mouth, in vain hope that its soft succor be my companion until death. But alas, I am married to the Mountain, as surely as Parson is married to the bank-man’s ledger.

The woman Koehn

In my land, it is not custom for a woman to bare the contours of her calves or to pose for portraits. I must admit that I am shocked by how boldly this “AJ” gazes upon her viewers. She is like the Sweet and Holy Mother of Our Lord, but inversed, all meekness and God-fearing replaced by a fury and heat to rival that of any hand-logger with a brandy-filled gut. I pity any man who crosses this Child of Lilith. She is a woman who turns bulls to steers.

And, speaking of live-stock: It seems “AJ” has been sectioned and quartered like a fine young shoat! Here, a cartooned dart labels her locks “passionate.” Another points to her elbow, declaring that it “Creates high-functioning teams.” Also, her knee is a “Collaborative leader.” I might go further, but the jest would grow stale.

At first I felt that a candidate so divided would poorly serve her office. However, upon further reflection, it occurs to me that a leader who governs by her elbow, her hair, her knees, etc. has an advantage over her opponents.

The stuffed shirts who head Industry and Government tend to be great proponents of the Brain, that mass of tissue believed (perhaps correctly) by the Ancients to serve only as a cooler of the blood. The Brain, in my mind, is a highly sentimentalized organ. Does a man hew a cedar and construct a winter food-cache with his head? Does a woman suckle her child at a teat growing from her scalp?

It is the greater Body that serves the greater Good. If “AJ” would guide us with the innate talents of her Earthly frame, then so be it. Surely she outshines the “head-strong” milquetoasts Parson and Capelacci. Were I a voting man, I would know where to mark my “X”.


This post was definitely not written by Bryce.

What dark magicks are these

Sometimes, doing this job means writing the hard-hitting analysis that no one else wants to take on. For me, today, that means pointing out the terrifying similarity between the vast majority of men in Vancouver current presidential candidate Matt Parson…

…and former AMS President Blake Frederick.


politically different, visually EXACTLY THE SAME, NO EXCEPTIONS

Old Hacks may remember Blake as the man so engaged with What Students Wanted that he and a fellow Pokemon executive petitioned the UN, claiming that, by charging tuition, Canadian universities were violating human rights. But at least their hearts were in the right place??

Matt, on the other hand, is the presidential candidate currently pledging to meet 1,000 new people during his reign as Unholy Overlord or he will forfeit actual paycheques. From mattparson.ca:

“I pledge to re-engage 1,000+ students, who I have no previous relationship with, from all across our campus, over my term as President, to hear:

  • What they have to say about the issues the AMS is championing
  • What they think the AMS is missing
  • What they think a healthy AMS could do to help their individual problems at UBC
  • Whatever else is on their mind regarding their University experience

For every week that I fail to meet my weekly goal (at least 20 students a week), I will donate 1/3rd of my weekly AMS salary to the AMS Endowment (or Foundation, pending approval of the Endowment). Additionally, if I fail to meet my goal of at least 1,000 students in authentic conversation on the issues, I will donate any eventual bonuses I may receive as President to the AMS Endowment.”

We applaud this creative effort to engage the everyday, uninformed, only marginally literate student! Of course, those of us who have lived with Real Working Presidents have seen the long hours associated with the job, and do nourish a little of “healthy skepticism.” But fuck it, ambition is sexy. Get on out there with your bad self, Sir Parson of Handshakes.

This post brought to you entirely by Kai, who lovingly hand-draws each Medieval Times reference and has very high standards in facial hair.

Sparkle Endorsements 2011

So, apparently the cool thing to do is make videos. We present, THE WORST ENDORSEMENT VIDEO OF THEM ALL. It is cheesy, fantastic, and pink, just like our little cute selves. Enjoy.

YouTube Preview Image

Special thanks to Ekat, Ben Cappellacci, Kathy Yan Li, Sean Heisler, and Luca Chitayat.

Oh, also in recent news, Taylor is single and free of any conflicts of interest.

Liveblogging is Overated, Anyways @ CiTR Debates One

If you weren’t listening to CiTR 101.9 today or don’t read the Minimalist Owl Blog because it may/may not hurt your “Arts student” eyes , then you might have missed the first of many (and sometimes simultaneous) debates of this election. Well, do we have a treat for you!

Yeah, that's what I said, too

Yeah, that's what I said, too

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People Who May or May Not Run

AMS Elections are currently a shitshow, and they haven’t even started yet.

  1. Nominations close on Friday and there is no AMS Elections website. Maybe if they advertised we wouldn’t have three slates of people who are always involved?
  2. There is no schedule of events anywhere…debates? Beer garden? Anything?
  3. There are also no elections dates or campaigning dates posted anywhere except on the Facebook page, which ~50 people like and hasn’t been updated since November (same with Twitter).
  4. There is no VFM funding right now and elections are about to start!

The Elections budget is approximately $50,000. Isn’t there a little referendum coming up that has to do with fiscal responsibility? We get that the EA is probably working on the new online voting system, but he has also hired four co-ordinators to help him, and it’s THREE DAYS before elections start.

Anyway, we are coping by giving you GOSSIP. Hot Gossip.

At the end of the day, candidates are supposed to be running individually and not as part of a slate (fancy way of saying political party). Except this year, there are Three Groups Who Are Not A Slate.

  1. The Frat Boys and Token Sorority Girl (Bijan’s picks to continue his legacy of UBC’s Got Talent)
  2. The Incumbents (the political hacks who think they can change the world with the AMS)
  3. The SJC/Knollies (the people who only care about the AMS when something pisses them off)

With that in mind, we give you the gossip!

The Frat Boys and Token Sorority Girl

President: Michael Moll is Alpha Delta Phi and part of the CUS, from Kenya, and shows up to AMS Council occasionally.

VP Academic: Matt Parson is Phi Delta Theta, the President of the Inter Fraternity Council at UBC (which EA Erik Mackinnon sits on), and is probably the hottest of all the candidates running. [Though some of our editors are on record as disagreeing.]

VP External: Katherine Tyson (isn’t technically in a sorority, she was too sick to rush this year) has been on AMS Council for a year and a half and is the Chair of UnECoRn, the committee that deals with things in the VPX’s portfolio. Was known this year for being rather antagonistic to Bijan—right until elections season rolled around. What gives, KT? We were way into your powerful woman schtick.

VP Finance: Arash Ehteshami is Kappa Sigma, the VP Internal of the AUS, and dating the President of SUS.

VP Administration: Mike Silley is Sigma Chi, has been on AMS Council for a long time, and is the Chair of BAFCOM, the committee that deals with AMS Businesses.

The Incumbents/Hacks

President: Jeremy McElroy is the current VP External, former AUS/RBF guy who hearts the AMS.

VP Academic: Justin Yang is the current VP Finance of AUS, former VP Finance of SUS, former Student Senator, and is the current AMS Tutoring co-ordinator.

VP External: Mitch Wright  is the current Associate VP External, former elections administrator, former AUS dude and all around hack.

VP Finance: Elin Tayyar is Beta Theta Pi, the current VP Finance, former SAC Vice-Chair, and last year’s hottest candidate.

VP Admin: A BLACK SHEEP. Er, dark horse?

The SJC/Knollies

They keep their Facebook profiles quite limited, unfortunately. Why do these people have no overly involved student profiles?! We’ll give you more details as we learn them.

President: Gord Katic is a kid we met off of Twitter who is a part of the SJC. He’s incredibly verbose. That’s all we know.

VP Academic: Omar Shaban is part of SPHR whose passion in life is “a secular Palestinian state where anybody regardless of his/her religion or race can live.” Awwwww!

VP External: Rory Breasail has been on AMS Council for nine months, and sits on the UnECoRn committee. He is also part of the SJC.

VP Finance: Arielle Friedman (also known as Care-ielle?!?) is part of the SJC, and a frequent contributor to The Knoll.


There’s some random guy from RezLife at Totem who is also probably running for VP Finance, and a rumoured FIFTH candidate that we don’t know about.

Things to bitch about: We’ve only heard of ONE candidate for VP Admin, so if there’s any of you who like SUB/Clubs, you should run…the more the merrier! There’s also an extreme lack of women running, with only TWO femmes fatale garnering for your votes. Oh, and no joke candidates? Where is Princess Leia, Kommander Keg, the Invisible Man, or Water Fountain?

BoG: Sean Heisler (current BoAwesome), Andrew Carne (hacktastic engineer), Sean Cregten (current Associate VP Academic)

Senate: Thomas Brennan, Sean Cregten, AJ Hajir Hajian, <insert ten other random students here, five of whom will drop out within the first week>.

Nominations close on Friday!