The 2011 Sparkle Surveys: Part 1

For all other blogs, today’s endorsement day. For us, it’s make up your own damn mind day, otherwise known as our rad video endorsements ran out of batteries. we’re workin’ on it. In the meantime, sweet readers, set the lights to low and imagine we’re whispering in your ear.

‘Cause baby, let’s not deny this thing between us: You’re Kurt Hummel, and I’m that Blaine hottie from the super-tolerant boys’ school, and it’s cold outside. Join me for a heartwarming duet, and let’s snuggle up to these fiery candidates as we bring back, smoother than late-night jazz, the first of our Classic Confidential Surveys.

Filipino/Irish. CATHOLIC DREAMBOAAAAAAAT

Highlights from this edition: MOTHERFUCKING SEAN HEISLER brings it (again), Justin Yang tells us how he really feel about Issues That Matter, Arash Ehteshami really wants your love, and two (2) candidates open up about their Gossip Girl-themed nicknames. Plus, a kitty! Who says we never bring the real news?

Sean “Guv’na” Heisler, current BoG Rep
Engineer, ballroom dancer, amateur vocalist, proto-Iron Chef, !!!CURRENTLY SINGLE!!!!

THIS GUY

some day, flyers will look like this.

Running for: “Board of Governors: The Return of the Sean”
Tweet-length platform: “South Gage and Governance are the two key discussions at the Board this year, and our summer semester needs fixing #priorities #ImEffective”

Best friend: “Lin Watt thinks I should have answered my left hand, but I’m ambidextrous. Also, it’s definitely not Lin because of that remark.”

Three traits that make me the best candidate: “Ability to look dashing AND sexy in a vest, experience on the Board with proven effectiveness, ability to be fueled with hugs.”

Pick one:
Jacob/Edward: “Jacob or Edward? Neal Patrick Harris. Let’s be serious here. If I had to pick one, Jacob. Ab-win.”
Bella Swan blows ass, T/F: “She’s certainly no Hermione Granger. Let’s compare: ‘The love of my life just left, what should I do?’ Hermione’s reaction -> Buck up, carry on, and get the bloody job done. Bella’s reaction -> An entire movie of whining and moping, falling for another guy, and a brief incident with a cliff. I’d say that means she blows ass.”
Crusher/Troi: “WILL WHEATON.”

Bonus self-administered Glee questions:
Finn or Sam: “Obvious answer is Darren Criss.”
Rachel or Quinn: “Mercedes and Santana stole my heart with ‘Mountain Deep, River High.'”
Mr. Schue or the Dentist (Carl): “Come on, by now you know the answer is Brian Ryan (Neal Patrick Harris).”

Arash “Oreo” Ehteshami (“Urashiman”), AUS VP Internal & Communications Assistant for Arts

he sent us this.

Arash sent us this. ADORABLON

Running for: VP Finance

Best friend: Babri
Aura colour: Armani.

Spirit Pokemon: “Alakazam – nobody fucks with Spoon Man!”
Slates are…: “Slating is a fun way to make candidates feel that they will have the edge in a race, when in reality everyone will do their best to get elected into their own positions.”

Three traits that make me the best candidate: “Familiarity with the AMS as AUS VP Internal and as a Business and Facilities Committee member. A long time student leader on campus with familiarity in student involvement, including the Greek system. Effective communication skills, both in writing and in presenting.

Favourite song:
Slathered in Duck Sauce


Kath¥ Yan Li
(KYL), Ubyssey Print Ad Saleslady & Glitter Mafia

like kesha but more... covered

goin' off the rails, y'all.

Running for: VP Admin
Best friend: Usher
Best campaign item: FUCKING GLITTER BUBBLES

Three traits important to the position I’m running for: “Uniqueness, nerve and talent (thanks Ru Paul)”
Spirit Pokemon: “Psyduck. Because we’re both yellow.”
Slates are…: “They sound like delish flatbread sandwiches.”

Either/or:
Kirk/Picard: “Obi-wan-kenobi.”
Piper/Agyeman/Gillan: “House.”

If you were something in a fridge, you would be…: “A bottle of beer I found in the bushes. Because I drink a lot of beer. What is the point of this question?”
Political idol: “George Washinton. Because he made his own home brews and I can respect that about a man. Also because he chopped down that cherry tree. That was pretty sweet.”

Favourite media source: “@ubcbookstore. There. Something neutral.”

——-

John C. MacLean IV (JJ), Board Member & Treasurer, SLFS; Director of Finance, SUS; Treasurer, Pride UBC
Running for: SLFS

Half J.Crew, half Tom Cruise. Sans crazy

Nickname: “Definitely not Little J.” [we’re so using that now]
Aura colour: “Blue[,] just like Anakin’s Force ghost”

Three traits that make me the best candidate: “Does general awesomeness, an effervescent smile and a preppy sense of style count as traits? If not let’s go with: drive, determination and intelligence.”

Political figure I admire: “If we’re talking student politicians it would be Sumedha Sharma. I really admire the way she has brought out the best in the SUS executive team, and ensured we stayed on target.”

If trapped on a desert island, I would spend my time…: “Probably hiding out under a palm tree trying to desperately to build a satellite phone so I could regain access to my beloved internets and err call for help too.”
Song that inspires uncontrollable booty-shaking in me: “In the immortal words of Anderson Cooper—WASPs don’t dance.”

If you were something in a fridge, you would be…: “A bottle of San Pellegrino, we’re both always a classy yet not stuffy choice, perfect for any occasion.”

Either/Or:
Nate/Dan: “Is this even a real question? Nate! #uberswoon”
Kirk/Picard: “Hmm… my inner nerd is pretty conflicted about this one but I am going to go with Picard.”
Blair/Serena: “Serena, she’d probably be more fun to do go shopping or do a spa day with.”
Crusher/Troi: “Crusher definitely. I am scared of dying and she has uber medical skills.”

Justin Christopher Yang (Lil J), AMS Tutoring Coordinator (among other things)
Running for: AMS VP Academic & University Affairs

knowing that this is Battle Royale makes you a nerd, my brethren.

Besties: Louisa Ng, Kiran Mahal, Wesley Chenne
Aura colour: “Blue, probably. But I’m not exactly an aura-reader…I read Tarot cards instead…”
Booty-shaking song: “SexyBack by Justin Timberlake.”

Three traits important to the position  I’m running for: “Experience with working with university officials. Good understanding of UBC governance. Ability to effectively delegate tasks to direct reports.”

Three traits that make me the best candidate: “A long history of student-centred advocacy efforts. Ability to clearly and concisely articulate student input to University officials. Proficiency in learning quickly and applying newfound skills immediately.”

The one issue I’d like to tackle next year: “Academically, I want to address undergraduate research opportunities on campus, that is to say, to work with the university to provide opportunities for value-added UBC degrees by seeking to better execute its undergraduate research strategy. With regards to governance, I am excited to work on public consultation processes pertaining to Gage South’s designation as an Area Under Review in the coming year.”

If you were something in a fridge, you would be…: “Oh, I’d want to be leftover pizza. Everyone loves leftover pizza!”

Either/Or: “Jacob. Dan. Kirk. Barrowman. True. Blair. Crusher. Gillan.”

Favourite media source: “UBC Insiders.”

——-

Brrrr. Well, that was bracing. Join us next time, when we bring you the next round of our surveys. Sweet like hot chocolate! Sassy like irish hot chocolate! BAM. A METAPHOR.

And PS, candidates: if, like Matt Parson, you haven’t submitted your survey to us yet, we strongly—strongly—recommend that you do so.

<3 <3 <3 AMS CONFIDENTIAL

6 thoughts on “The 2011 Sparkle Surveys: Part 1

  1. queigh Post author

    You’re so right; I meant to say simile. However, a simile is a type of metaphor, see, so if you look at it that way… yeah…

  2. Pingback: Board of Governors + a special galactic guest!

  3. kbain

    I think I’ve been converted to the Sean Heisler love–multiple NPH jokes and a Will Wheaton reference? <3<3

  4. Justin

    Just so everyone knows I don’t randomly dress up like that — it was for Anime Evolution! We were the kids from Battle Royale. 😀

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