After we completed the Three Definition Assignment, we posted the assignment on our blogs for peer review. We formed pairs within our writing teams and edited each other’s work. For this assignment we were given a template to follow. Editing involves looking for missing information as much as it involves ensuing the presented information is correct. This process of editing a peer’s work inevitably leads students to reflect on their own work.
To: Money Dhaliwal – author
From: Glen Kavaliunas – peer reviewer
Date: June 9, 2020
Subject: Review of your Expanded Definition of Systole
Link to original document being reviewed: Defining Systole by Money Dhaliwal
I have reviewed your first draft of the three definitions assignment where you presented the term ‘systole’ in three different ways. You did a terrific job of organizing the information. Your use of headings keeps the document visually pleasing and easy to read. You also did a wonderful job of keeping the information concise. It is easy to read and follow your definition, but it is perhaps a little too concise. Expanding on on some of the information may help to provide more clarity. I will explain this further below.
Situation/audience
Your choice of a patient in a cardiologist’s office is clear, but the situation needs more clarity in regards to the reason the cardiologist is explaining systole to the patient. For example, does the patient have high blood pressure or do they have another heart issue? It may also help to explain why the patient is at the cardiologist’s office. Is there a problem with their heart? Is the appointment a check-up?
Organization
You did a good job of ensuring that you used four methods of defining systole in your expanded definition. It made sense to present the parenthetical definition, the expanded sentence definition, the etymology, a comparison of systoles and diastole, and a visual followed by a description and analysis of parts. It would have helped tie the whole piece together if you concluded with a description of how all of the parts work together in systole. Additionally, under description and analysis of parts point two (paragraph 9, sentence 3), you could expand on why blood is pumped to the lungs and to the body. What is the purpose for sending blood in different directions and how does the affect systole. Does the blood come back? Adding a section explaining how the parts fit into a whole cycle would aid in the patient’s understanding.
Research
You definitely did you research on the topic and your citations look good. However, I caution you against using Wikipedia as a source for information as it is not necessarily reliable. But I do see you may have just used this for the graphic. This could be made clearer if you provided an in-text citation for the graphic.
Visuals/font
The visual is a crisp picture that clearly shows the heart and all of its parts. The labels you added on your diagram could be more precise. The arrow for the right ventricle ends in the heart wall which may lead to confusion. It would also be useful to say what the blue and red arrows represent. The description below your diagram is a nice touch, but you should also cite the source you took the graphic from.
Another graphic, or the same graphic with more labeling, would be useful to support the description and analysis of parts section of your description.
Grammar
The only grammatical error I noted was in your sentence definition (paragraph 5, sentence 2). The definition should read”… the contraction of the left ventricle pumps blood to the rest of the body. Adding this one word would help add clarity to the sentence. Otherwise your grammar and punctuation is very good.
Conclusion
In conclusion, your paper is well written but it is too concise and needs one more section explaining how the parts works together in a system.
I hope you find these suggestions helpful in writing your final copy of this assignment. Please let me know if you have any questions.