A UBC Legend

This is UBC’s finest and only ghost story. That is — it would be, if it involved any ghosts. So let me adjust that.

This is UBC’s finest and only mythical creature story. That is — it would be, if the creatures were mythical. Many people believe that they are, but in truth, these creatures are very much living, breathing entities.

This is the story of UBC’s little-known, legendary lint bobbles.

Lint bobbles?

Yes, I should have warned you about them earlier. You won’t be needing this knowledge for much longer with only three weeks of rez life left. But mark my word: You’ll be glad you heard about them come September when you move back in.

So. Lint bobbles. Look fairly harmless. Grey balls of dust, that’s what they look like. Occasionally come in dirty red colours too. Strands of grey dust and dirt hanging from their sides sometimes. Easily collapsible. Can be found breeding in laundry rooms — specifically, in dryers — but can also be found everywhere.

Here is how they work.

After breeding about for so-and-so many tumble dries, they decide they’re ready to leave the warmth of their tumble drier. A batch of wet clothes come in. Occasionally a lint sheet. The person does not clean their breeding site (i.e. the lint catcher thingymabob at the front or back of the drier). Lint bobbles happily attach themselves to the clothes. Of course they don’t cling to clothes in great big lumps — that would be too obvious. No, lint bobbles are smarter than that. They send off little strands of themselves. Fairly unnoticeable. The unwitting victim removes clothes — also without cleaning the breeding site — and then leaves with baby lint bobbles stuck to their clothes.

At night, they strike. The lint bobbles get up and walk all over the room, hanging in places you would never see them in unless you were looking. Inside your lampshade. Between your keyboard keys. Of course, they’re fairly harmless to human beings. At most, they’ll give you a constant sneeze. Unless they decide to destroy you and you inhale a whole army of them in your sleep, but I haven’t heard of any such cases happening here at UBC.

Then again, not many people know about lint bobbles…

But you do. You know about them now. And now that you know about them, you must learn how to defend yourself against the possibility of inhaling a giant grey dustball that resembles tumbleweed in shape and size. (And against little bits of grey dropping off your sleeves every time you move around in class.)

It’s all really very simple. Just clean out the lint box in the front of tumble driers after you’re done drying (and before, in case the person before you didn’t think of it). Throw the lint bobbles into the bin. Save your fellow unwitting human beings from these little creatures. Be a superhero.

If everyone did this, then we’d only have our own little lint bobbles to dispose of and the world would be a happier place.

Comments are closed.