since it’s halloween month and the cold is starting to settle in, i decided to try my hand at one of my favourite memes.
i hope y’all have the most awesome and safe halloween, and i hope y’all do super great on your exams!! please accept my humble offering as some sort of distraction and maybe a chuckle or two during this busy busy time.
UBC GOTHIC
- You’re in line for sushi. It’s the lunch time rush and your stomach is growling irritably. You slowly inch forwards. You’ve been inching forwards for a while now. You do not appear to be any closer to the counter.
- The queue for Triple O’s is ridiculous, and you swore you’d never be one of those statues lining up in the cold. Somehow, you find yourself there that evening. The line remains still, and you turn to leave, but your feet refuses to move. You wait. You wait until your fingers go numb and you forget to shiver from the cold. You wait forever.
- The book you ordered from the bookstore is not there. You check again. You ask the clerk to check again. It’s not there. Nothing’s there.
- You pay too much for a textbook. The professor has never heard of the book before.
- You arrive late to your lecture. You slip into a seat and take out your notes. They do not match the slides on the screen. You do not recognize your professor. You do not recognize anyone.
- The professor calls on you to answer a question. It is not your name. You don’t know anybody with that name. The professor calls again. Everyone is staring. You don’t know the answer. You begin to question your own name.
- The class lets out early and you shuffle down the main mall. The masses of students herd you along, and you follow absentmindedly. You keep up the pace, but you can’t remember where your next class is. The sidewalks are clogged and you feel trapped in this crowd. You can’t leave. You can only keep walking.
- You rush to print your paper due today. Your card goes through, but your documents do not. Where are they? You’ve double-checked this morning on your account. You try again. There is a line behind you, ever-growing. Impatient students huff and tap their feet. You swallow the lump in your throat. The printer doesn’t respond. It can smell fear.
- You engage in a bloody battle against several other students. Textbooks are thrown, notebooks torn. You did not realize you had such tenacity within you, as you dislodge a pen from a fallen martyr. After a desperate and violent battle, you manage to claim a seat for yourself in the library. But at what cost?
- It’s dead silent in the library. You lose yourself in your textbooks, lose track of time. Notebooks pile up next to you, but the textbooks do not decrease in number. The student next to you hasn’t moved in hours. You can’t remember a single formula you copied down. You open another textbook. You’ve been here for days.
- You’re on your laptop determined to finish that essay. You open a new document and start preparing your best introduction. Five hours later, there are ten different tabs open but your essay is not one of them. You’re watching a video on how to groom your pet giraffe. You can’t remember how you got there.
- It’s late by the time you finish your reading. You’re too tired to cook, and you order Domino’s. You watch tv while you wait. Three episodes later, your stomach is growling and you realize your phone was on silent. You check your messages. Thirty missed calls from an unknown number. Your pizza never comes.
- You’re at one of the infamous frat parties. It’s loud and sweaty, and you’re feeling a little unbalanced, but you swore you didn’t drink. There’s an uncomfortable feeling in your gut. You move towards the door, but it is blocked by several people moving their bodies in a strange rhythmic way. You try the back door, and nearly make it out, but there are hands pulling you back. You never make it home.
- You set three alarms the night before a midterm. You set the most obnoxious ringtone you can think of. The next morning, you wake to silence. Your roommate is gone and there is no sound through the thin walls. There is no sound at all. The hands on your clock hasn’t moved.
- You haven’t seen your roommate in days. The fridge begins to empty, but you see no sign of any other living being besides you. You haven’t seen your roommate in days.
- You go back to the bookstore to check on your book order status. “I’m sorry,” the employee says. You ask them to check again. “I’m sorry,” they say again. You ask two more employees, but they all say the same thing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You leave the bookstore, empty handed and muttering to yourself, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
- You are recruited for a new club. It is small, but the members are friendly. You pay the club fees and join their mailing list. You never receive an email. You look up the club, but you cannot find it anywhere. You ask around, but no one has ever heard of the club. Maybe there was never a club in the first place.
- There are rumours of free donuts on campus. You ask for the location and time. You get five different answers. You spot people walking by with donuts in hand. You try to ask them, but they disappear before you can catch up to them. You never find the free donuts.
- It’s one am and you’re trying to sleep. Somebody’s laughter drifts in from out in the night. You look out your window, but you do not see anybody. You shut your window and lie back down. The laughter comes again. You fall asleep to the sound of laughter echoing in your room.
- It’s friday night, and your friends suggest visiting Wreck Beach. You follow them, but begin to feel apprehensive at the growing darkness. You realize you are falling behind, and you ask them to slow down. They don’t respond. You’ve lost sight of them. You don’t know where you are. Was that a squirrel? You make it to the beach, but there is nobody there. There is only the distant blinking of the lighthouses, and the Night Warden who appears out of nowhere, asking if you’d like to take over a bonfire. You don’t see the bonfire he’s pointing at. You don’t see anything.
- You notice there’s a construction site next to your classes on your first ever week of classes. Weeks later, it is still there, but you do not see any change. Months later, it is still there. Years pass, and you graduate. The construction site is still there, still the same as the first week of school. It’s always been there. It will always be there.
- Your professor make you copy down their office hours. You remember copying them down. But when you finally go, there is no one there. You ask your professor in class, and they tell you the same time. You go again, but there is still no one there. There never is anyone there.
- You take the bus back to your dorm on friday night. It’s half empty by the time you make it back to campus. By the time it hits Wesbrook Mall, it is completely empty. You go to thank the bus driver when you exit the bus, but there is no response. Perhaps there was never a driver on that bus.
- Your friends tell you that you have to try the Blue Chip Cookies. You buy one as a test. Days later, you’re lining up for the cookies again. The cashier asks how many would you like. You don’t know. You’ve already lost count.
- “Do you accept student card?” The cashier nods, “Yes, we do.” They swipe the card, and you watch nervously. It does not go through. “Please,” you say desperately, “try again.” It still does not go through. Your stomach is growling, and your hands are shaking. “Please,” you cry, “I just want to taste something real for once.”
- You check your cupboard. You’re down to the last pack of instant ramen, though you could have sworn you’d just bought more last week. The packaging proclaims, Kimchi flavour! But you only taste cardboard.
- Your classmates keep talking about the raccoons. You haven’t seen a raccoon since you stepped onto campus. One night, you’re walking back from a study group at the library. There’s a movement out of the corner of your eye. You glance over, but you don’t see anything. There’s a rustling sound, and you pick up the pace. But the sound grows louder, until it’s right in front of you. You stop. A dark blob darts out from the bushes. You catch a glimpse of two glowing orbs under the streetlights. It is the last thing you see.
- You make conversation with a classmate. You ask them which residence they live in. They tell you they commute from Vancouver. The next day, you make conversation with another classmate. You ask them which residence they live in, and they tell you that you asked them this already. You don’t remember them.You’ve never seen this person before.
- You dodge the skateboards as you walk to your next class. They don’t stop coming. They have formed an army with the bicycles and rollerblades and scooters and unicycles. They’ve dominated the roads. It is no longer safe on two feet.
- The fire alarm goes off as you’re studying for a test. You shuffle down the stairs, repeating formulas to yourself. When you finally make it back inside your room, the alarm goes off again. You shuffle back down the stairs, repeating formulas to yourself. You climb the stairs back to your room, and the fire alarm goes off. You shuffle back down the stairs, repeating formulas to yourself. You climb the stairs back to your room-
- You wake up with a hangover from last night’s party. There are clothes everywhere and empty cans fill every surface. There are bodies on the ground. You don’t recognize anybody’s face. This isn’t your dorm room.
- You take a break from studying in your room during finals week. Your roommate has cleaned up the entire bathroom until it sparkling clean. Somebody is playing “In the End” by Linkin Park on repeat. Some kid is howling at the moon. You haven’t washed your hair in days. Everything that comes out of your mouth is a line from your textbook. You can’t remember your own name. Only your student number.
- The weather app says the sun will come out today. You leave with a scarf and an umbrella in hand. Later that afternoon, the sun does come out. There’s a high-pitched shrieking sound, and everybody is running. Something is not right.
- You keep finding lost student cards in the strangest places. In the commons block, in the elevator, on a bench, outside Tim Horton’s. You wonder how these people keep losing them. Then you look closer, and realize it is always the same card. The familiar face taunts you, and you can almost hear it snickering, You’re next. You’re next.
- You’re staring blankly at the screen in front of you. ERROR, it says, try again later. But there’s a feeling in your gut telling you that you’re running out of time. Dumbly, you click refresh. Again. And again. And again. Dimly, you’re aware of the anguished cries and terrified screams of your fellow classmates and friends, but you can only continue to click refresh with growing panic. Until- the screen flashes, and you wait with baited breath. Words appear on the screen: UNIVERSITY OF BROKEN CONNECT. You break down, sobbing, but nothing changes. You click refresh.
- There’s a particular post on the facebook group that keeps resurfacing. You scroll past it, unfollow it, ignore it, but it continues to pop up. Annoyed, you click on the OP, but you don’t recognize her. She has no mutual friends, no selfies, and she doesn’t even seem to go here. No one knows who she is. Confused, you close her page. A couple days later, she sends you a friend request.
- You’re in the stands of a football game, though you have no idea which is the opposing team. You cheer when there’s a touchdown. The touchdowns don’t end. Thunderbirds keep scoring, and you cheer until your voice is hoarse. You drown in a sea of blue and gold, and all of a sudden, that silly bird mascot begins to look a little ominous… and ravenous.
- Tuum est. You don’t understand what this means, but you hear it whispered within these lecture halls, you see it plastered on the aging walls, you feel it pressing down from all these endless buildings. Your friends look at you funny when you bring it up. You try to ignore it, but it comes back to haunt you. Tuum est, the voice in your head whispers mockingly. You don’t recognize that voice. It continues to whisper until you find yourself chanting along under your breath. You’re one of us, it says softly, you are UBC. A place of mind.