Just before Reading Week, a couple representatives of the UBC English Honours Program came to talk to my Arts One group about applying for next year. Overall, I was intrigued, as I liked the smaller group feel it promoted, and the idea that I could explore English to such an extent. I figured it would be more difficult, as it requires a thesis in the fourth year, but I know I could handle that. The main set back was the grades they were looking for, as it was a good 10% above my current average. I figured I would get closer to it throughout this term, as my marks have only been going up, but I couldn’t really get close enough to be there. They said they were flexible when it comes to judging grades, so I still felt some hope, but mostly I was just unsure as to what I wanted to do.
I talked to my prof the next day and he didn’t know much about the program, but suggested that I look into creative writing instead. I perked up at the notion, as I have wanted to write books since I was eight years old, but quickly got over my excitement, as it is common knowledge, writers don’t make any money. Ugh, just typing that sentence upsets me. It’s partially false, as there are some writers that make lots of money (take J.K. Rowling, for instance). The catch is, it’s hard to become a published writer, let alone a successful published writer. That’s why I approached University with the idea that every writer needs a day job. I set my sights on becoming either an English Prof or a psychotherapist.
Problem is, now I am realizing that I am not as enamored with either of my favorite subjects as I was before. I don’t go to psychology class anymore (I found I can get a 75% on the test if I just read the book) and the book is pretty interesting, but I don’t know if I am willing to fully commit to a PHD in psych, which is what I would need if I were to become a psychotherapist. Even if I were, I’m not all that sure I could complete a PHD. I have a pretty good average, but not an amazing one. Same story with becoming an English Prof, except I am going to class, I am just stumbling with the material. I have to give SparkNotes a good look over before I write any of my Arts One essays, and I don’t feel like I am comprehending the material like my classmates. I love to read, especially classics, so how come I haven’t already read The Birth of Tragedy or The Republic, or even the freaking Iliad, (which I bought prior to coming to UBC and still didn’t touch until the last minute) when a fair share of my classmates have, or at least are very good at pretending they have.
This all comes back to honours. I thought, maybe if I throw myself into literature, my love for it will carry me through, but, as in the case of Arts One, that doesn’t really work. As far as wanting to be a writer, I am a bit in the opinion that in order to write books you need to have read a whole lot of them, even though this isn’t necessarily true. Nevertheless, I am still lost when it comes to whether or not I should apply to honours. I mean, if they say yes, I can always change my mind, and if they say no, they will have made up my mind for me. I just think I wouldn’t want to say no if I got in, so if I apply, that means I want to be in it and…well then we’re back to the beginning.
The final road block I have to deal with in my dreams of becoming a novelist is the fact that I have never actually written anything even close to a novel. I haven’t even attempted. The last story I wrote that was more than a page long was in grade eight and it was awful. As far as my writing goes, it’s mostly blogging (like here, and my livejournal) as well as, well, poetry. I like to write poetry. Actually, I am pretty sure that I am somewhat good at writing poetry. Great. I am good at and enjoy writing something that no one makes money with. I mean, how the hell do you become a successful poet anyway? Far as I can see, you spend your life writing poetry that no one understands, die tragically, become famous, then, from beyond the grave, watch 10th graders squirm while they try interpret what you did mean. Woo. I am just afraid that I will spend my entire life wanting to be a poet, all the while working at some large company, doing a job that murders my soul on a daily basis, until I retire, and then focus my attentions to pressuring my children to have more children themselves, until I die. That is not the life for me.
I think the whole point of this entry is to say that I have no idea what I am doing anymore.
4 replies on “At a Loss”
My dearest Sam, I love you. If it means anything….I have no idea what I’m doing anymore as well :/ and it frightens me.
Ah, Sam. You certainly will never have that rather depressing life you portray. You’re so much against it, you won’t let it happen to you.
Did you know our generation is supposed to have an average of four different careers? Four different career paths, mind you, not just four jobs in the same arena. You’re going to be doing more than you can imagine now; maybe at a career that doesn’t even exist yet. So plan, but don’t overplan — have some idea of what kind of thing you enjoy, but don’t force yourself to attain some goal if you don’t like the process one bit.
Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I was under the impression that second-year Honours is just for second-year. It doesn’t guarantee entry into third-year (this is the point I don’t know; it might). It’s a smaller, select, year-long class with some of the best profs in the English department. The main components for the English major and honours programs don’t start until third year. My point is, you have time to think and decide what you want – you can drop out after second-year if you like.
I’d encourage you to apply. Yes, you can decide not to go if you don’t want to. There are going to be lots of things in the world offered to you and you must decide whether to say yes or no.
As for not reading the “classics” — my guess is a lot of people, if they read it (or SparkNotes!), did it for school. Very few people read The Illiad for fun. I’ve never read any of those books either, and no one has yet said I was *bad* at English… Eng lit isn’t about reading every book in the world and doesn’t mean you’ll definitely be a good writer. Journalism is apparently a whole lot more useful in training writers, judging from the many writers who were journalists.
The creative writing program has nine different genres, including poetry, and you study in three of them. Check it out and see if that’s what you might like. A second major in creative writing is something I’m considering, although I’m not sure how I’ll feel about workshops… I have dozens of different plans for my degree. Lots of them fall through, but I’m good at making more. :D
My, I’m just eating up your comment space. But I felt so sad reading how sad you are!
I just want to point out, as a final one, that you are already a writer. And you should check out NaNoWriMo. It’s crazy fun.
“or at least are very good at pretending they have.”
This is the truth with a capital T. You have no idea how many times someone in my Arts One class says something brilliant about Freud or Marx and I am all ‘wow, that was brilliant’ and then I’m talking to them later and they are all like ‘yah, I didn’t read the book. In 12th grade we read some excerpts and that is one of the things my teacher talked about.” Or something along those lines.
As for not getting good enough marks in Arts One – I sometimes don’t think the format suits everyones style of thinking. For example, I have an exceptionally difficult time saying anything even semi-intelligent in seminar. But I do reasonably well on my essays, and I am quite good at predicting the criticism the prof is going to make of other people’s papers. But I just need more time to formulate my thoughts. I can’t just spit things out like other people do when we are discussing something. So maybe the format that we write in, or the type of questions we answer, just isn’t for you.
Another thing is that my prof always talks about how by the time people finish Arts One they are able to write better than many fourth years. But our marks don’t reflect that because, let’s face it, Arts One is hard. So maybe you don’t get into Honors in Second, because your marks are low. But you take a couple of second year English classes, improve your marks (plus, I am willing to bet anything that your marks would go up in 2nd years, even if you hadn’t been in Arts One) and then apply for your third year.
Don’t take Lillienne’s advice… stay far away from NaNoWriMo!!! It will take over you life!! Run as fast as you can in the other direction!!
But actually NaNoWriMo is rather fun. And blogging is writing.
I agree with Genevieve 110% on the concept of kids in your class pretending to have read extraordinary works.
In my Introduction to Literary Theory, Eng 121 course (the advanced one for this term), random kids will put up their hand in class and be like “Oh I totally lov the use of the redwood tree metaphor, it reminds me of in the summer of grade ten when I read Paradise Lost, totally on my own accord, in three days. I think that this passage *quote Paradise Lost passage perfectly from memory* is perfect for the emotion in this scene”
and I feel like aboslute crap for a) not even noticing that there was a redwood tree IN the scene, b) not having read Paradise Lost on my own accord in the summer of grade ten and c) wondering if the emotion in the scene is supposed to be sarcastic or actually tragic.
I feel like the only one in the class who hasn’t read all of these fantastic works, even though I know I’m not… I’m so glad that you are saying this!