Category Archives: Shenanigans

12/12/13

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

“A tale that will warm your heart and soul, perfect for winter!” – Jack Froze, North Pole Times

“… a magical story of love and reconciliation… sure to be a family favourite!” – Nicholas Claus Jr., Thine Magazine

“Heartbreakingly powerful and exquisitely crafted…” – Easton Bunny, Magazine Magazine, starred review.

 

********************************

 

“I’m going to take my exam now. Wish me luck.”

“Don’t go.”

I roll my eyes. “Stop being so clingy, I really have to take this exam. I don’t like it, but I have to go. I’ll be back in three hours.”

“But baby, it’s cold outside.”

I heave a deep breath to steady my nerves. I have a final exam in 40 minutes and now I have to deal with the kind of temptation that even a saint cannot resist. Why is this even happening to me? “I really can’t stay,” I breathe, looking away.

“But baby, it’s cold outside.”

“Stop!” I throw my hands up in the air in exasperation. “This exam is worth thirty percent of my grade. That may not mean anything to you, but it sure means something to me. Please respect that. I’ve got to go.”

I feel forlorn eyes gazing into me and my eyes tear up unexpectedly. Crap. No. No no no. Not the eyes. “But baby, it’s cold outside.”

Now I find myself weighing the possibilities in my mind: I can stay a little longer and be up to thirty minutes late to the exam…. Or maybe I could just skip it. What is my current grade in that class again? I mentally attempt calculating my scores but give up immediately. But well, life is short… right? Right?? No one cares about grades in first year… right?

“Yes… Come back here.” My bed entices me, showing me its silky sheets. My eyes fall on its soft duvet and I feel myself falling under its spell. I feel my body grow weak as I gaze at its softness. Mmm… it would feel so good to just forget everything and go to sleep…

“Yes… it’s cold outside… stay in here with me.”

“I-I-I must… I must go?” I whimper, torn between my immediate desires and sense of responsibility. What responsibility, though? I couldn’t remember why I had to leave anymore. What could have possibly driven me to go out? I must have been mad… Yes. I was mad.

“It’s cold outside.”

“Yes. It’s too cold outside.” I throw my bag down and leap into the arms of paradise.

 

AND THAT IS HOW I FAILED EVERYTHING

I first converse with inanimate/intangible objects here 

11/26/13

#UBC50K (and procrastination)

Hey.

I’m procrastinating right now, kind of. I have a paper that’s due tomorrow, but I have reached this certain point where I just don’t give a hoot anymore. My paper doesn’t make sense, and I don’t even care. I don’t even like that class. POLI 101 Government of Canada is the pits. No offense, Canada.

And now I’m going to tell you guys about something that’s going on!

Most of you may know about the recent typhoon that devastated the Philippines. Well, UBC Dollar Project and UBC Kababayan have joined forces to organize a fundraiser – UBC50k, in order to help the victims of the typhoon. The idea is to collect a dollar from every student on campus and like get a whole bunch of money to donate to the Red Cross. This project is also in collaboration with UC Berkeley and UC Davis in California. (It’s called UC Davis 33k or something on the other side)

(I honestly don’t think 50k will be achieved, but it’s always good to aim high.)

A friend of mine brought the initiative to Totem Park, and they’ve started to branch out, and even collected money by the fountain today. At least, my friends did, for the most part. I spent most of my time eating kimchi, drinking hot chocolate from Tim Hortons, and watching our bags, because I am inordinately paranoid. I did help though, I swear. I just have trouble approaching strangers, because I usually don’t talk to people unless they talk to me first. Very friendly, I know. Also, going up to strangers and asking for money? Um. Check back on another day, when I get a little more self-confidence. Hashtag awkward people problems.

I kid (mostly). Helping out with this project really makes me happy, not because of the whole helping out people in need thing, but because of the interactions we have with people we encounter. You really meet a lot of interesting people by hanging around in the cold.

We’ll be at the fountain again from 12 – 4pm on Friday, and there’s going to be music and a bunch of singing as well (having talented friends I crai everytim), so do drop by. You don’t even have to donate a dollar – 5 cent coins gladly accepted. We don’t discriminate. Even if you’re as broke as a broken thing, come by and say hi and be awkward then run away. I think we’re fun people.

And now I will go back to my paper and rearrange words.

#UBC50k

09/24/13

Of masochism

I have sorely misjudged myself.

How can one not know themselves, you ask? How can you not know who you are, what you like, what you don’t like, what makes you sad, what makes you want to smash walls and flex your imaginary muscles? How can you not? Apparently, you can.

See, I’ve always thought of myself as a “tough” person. I studied martial arts for about seven years, and I used to be insanely athletic before I became lazy and got fat. I also have a tendency to be sarcastic to the point of being almost mean, and some would describe me as sadistic. Really, guys. Really.

However, recent events have taught me otherwise. Apparently, I crave pain. I love it. I am almost masochistic, even. Oh how do I love it, let us count the ways.

(That was a Shakespeare reference and I hope someone caught it, because I don’t usually make Shakespearean references and it would be mighty embarrassing if it fell flat.)

1.  Fall Autumn (I am not going to conform to North American English, people. You will not corrupt me.) is here. Temperatures dropped all of a sudden. First, it was hot. Then it was cold. What the hell, Vancouver? 

Anyway, I love the cold. I love it. I go to classes dressed the way I would for summer. Pfft, who needs a jacket? You’d think that because I have lived in a tropical climate for like, oh I don’t know, my entire life, I might be wearing layer upon layer, but no. Noh. I wear flip flops too, but mostly because I am too lazy to put on real shoes. My fingers get numb from the chill and they hurt, but I love it. Oh how I love it. I revel in the feeling of the cold wind biting at my face and nipping and my fingers. I love how it hurts. So badly.

(But I will wear a winter coat when I have to. Don’t worry mom, I’m not going to die of hypothermia.)

2. I always complain about how I have so much work to do, readings that pile up endlessly and all that thinking I have to do… My brain just can’t deal.

But oh, it gives me so much pleasure. I love being busy. I love being pressured, and feeling like there’s not enough time. I enjoy how I sometimes have to stay up at night to do work, and I whine about how little sleep I get, but with each whine, I feel like my life has purpose. I feel like the god of unicorns and rainbows are smiling upon me and blessing me with the most radiant of rainbows and unicorn puke. I feel like the birds are squirrels are performing musical numbers just for me. I feel like the world is shifting into place, like there is real magic in the world, like ice cream sandwiches aren’t bad for you, like I can eat whatever the heck I want without ever gaining weight.

3. I visited the UBC Farm recently. If you haven’t, you should go check it out (and pay a visit to Menchie’s when you’re done!). The roads near the farm smell like manure and other generally foul-smelling stuff, but the farm is a pretty cool place. It also makes for a pretty sweet spot to take new profile pictures, if you ask me.

Anyway. They have chickens in the farm. Not just any kind of chicken, but FAT, FLUFFY chickens. They are some of the most ridiculously adorable creatures I have ever laid my eyes on. I am normally not a fan of chickens, because all they do is cluck around and do nothing, but UBC Chickens are SO cute.

Yeah, yeah, Jay. Get to your point. Nobody wants to read about chickens.

Well, you see, the chickens matter in this case. I whipped out my phone to take a picture of those chickens, because really guys, who wouldn’t? I rested my arms on the fence to get a steady picture and…

I got shocked by the electrical fence.

I am not kidding. I got buzzed by a fence because I was trying to take photos of chickens. Why the fudge bunnies is there an electrical fence anyway?

See, I got electrocuted, and for a nanosecond I thought I was going to die. It felt like an army of hungry people were marching through my veins, asking for bread and heading to the Versailles palace. It felt like the ground had shifted beneath my feet and I was falling into my life as a 5th grader again. It felt like thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening.

And I liked it. I liked it.

 

I may have to rethink my life.

09/13/13

Procrastination: A heartwarming, coming of age love story.

“Genius…. An absolute tour de force.” – Kevin Ham, New Hog Times.

“Best of the year so far…” – Janice G., The New Paper.

“Two thumbs up! … A story that will make you believe in miracles.” – Lulu Flower Fairy, Fae Mail.

 

*****************

“Why aren’t you listening to me?” My date, Course Readings Assignments, whispers into my ear.

I look down, chagrined. “I’m sorry,” I say hesitantly. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“What do you mean? We’ve been dating for a while now, and I think we make a perfect match.”

I stand abruptly, causing the cutlery on the table to rattle. Heads swivel around to look at me briefly, but then turn back to mind their own business.

“Course, I know you’re good for me, but I just don’t think of you that way.” My heart breaks a little on the inside as I tell him what I truly feel. I don’t know why it has taken me this long to be honest with him, and it’s almost as if a knife has struck my heart as I realize that I’ve lead him on for so long. How could I be so horrible?

Course pleads with me, grabbing my head and squeezing it tight. “Honey, what’s wrong? Talk to me.” His eyes are desperate, and I feel broken inside.

I tear myself away and feel my eyes water. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Not with all these people looking. “It’s not you, it’s me. You’re an amazing guy, but I just don’t feel happy being with you.”

“I’ve been so torn on the inside, and my best friend tells me I should end this once and for all.”

The hurt in his eyes vanishes for a short moment to be replaced by anger. “Jay, you know Twitter doesn’t know what she’s saying.”

“No!” I cry. The other patrons of the restaurant are transfixed, as if they were watching an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. A portly man with ruddy cheeks at the table next to ours chomps on his popcorn, eyes never leaving us. “Don’t talk about my best friend that way!”

I stomp out of the restaurant, escaping the stares. I am walking down the street, tears streaming down my face and blurring my vision. I didn’t expect breaking things off with Course to hurt this much. Even so, I feel relieved, more than anything else. Loss in my thoughts and feelings of self-pity, I am shaken out of my reverie when I walk straight into what feels like a wall.

“Whoa, there, little missy. Slow down,” A deep voice pours out and my body shivers reflexively. Not a wall. “Why are you crying?”

I sniff and look up. I forget to feel upset, and I feel my jaw drop open. The most gorgeous man I have ever seen in my entire life stands in front me. A sexy smirk plays around his mouth as he appraises me.

“Uh- I… Uh.” I find myself at a loss for words. I blubber and sputter awkwardly, rendered useless by his magnificence. Holy crap.

“Nice to meet you too,” He laughs. “My name is Sun, and I am hot. Literally.” In a normal situation, I would have laughed at that cheesy comment. But at this moment, I am basically a mindless bundle of cells.

“Yes, you are,” I say without thinking.

“You should come along with me and my friends,” Sun puts his arm around my shoulder and marches me down the road, taking charge of the situation. “We’ll have a lot of fun.”

“Uh. I… Yeah. What?”

“Oh, my friends are here!” I feel my legs begin to weaken when a group of ridiculously attractive men wave at us and walk over. Is this real life, or is this just fantasy?

“This is Facebook, Tumblr, and Random Shiny Things That Distract You.” He points them out as he says their names. “And this is Puppy Videos, and A New Song That Your Favourite Band Just Released.”

Their bright white teeth wink in the sunlight as they smile and say their hellos. I mumble something incoherent, dazzled by their charm, but they do not seem to think that I am crazy or off-putting.

“Jay!” I hear Course’s voice ring out from behind me. I whip around and see him, hair dishevelled and tie askew. “Don’t do this. You know how good we are together.”

“Course…” I begin. How does anyone do this? “I don’t think that that’s something I know.”

Mustering all of my strength, I turn around and leave Course behind. This is the start of my new life with my new friends.

 

I don’t look back.