Dearly beloved, we are all gathered here today because Jay wants to talk about her life. This may come off as disgustingly narcissistic, repulsive even, but please do understand that she is an angst-ridden, emotionally constipated teenager who cannot address her feelings directly, and thus seeks validation by getting likes on Facebook, RTs on Twitter, and airing her grievances on the internet, among other things.

(I kid.)

Today, I will address the state of the union that is the many wonderful, adaptive cells that have come together to form these curious, slimy organs, which are a part of a system (as many good things are), which collectively form the body that I so happily (most of the time) reside in. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Height: 158cm, 5′ 2″.

Gender: Female

Type: Human

Ethnicity: Chinese

Nationality: Malaysian

Weight: Unknown.

Status: Not homesick. Yet.

Walking

The union (henceforth referred to as “I” or “me”) has experienced many trips taken up and down Main Mall and various staircases. I am pleased to announce that my legs are slimmer now, and would like to thank UBC for this opportunity. Rock on.

The future may be an unpredictable thing, like my many mood swings, but I can confidently say that my years at UBC will prepare me for the literal paths that I will take.

Food

Alas, I do not know why many complain about the food in Totem’s Cafeteria. Deliciously overpriced wraps and salad… mmm. Everyone loves the grill but I have yet to discover the joy that is a greasy burger with onion rings.

In other news, our miners report that a gem has been discovered.

A beautiful confection, also referred to as an “ice cream sandwich”, has taken my heart and stomach by storm. It is believed that this magical artifact has healing properties.

I have also formed an unhealthy addiction to Booster Juice and Menchie’s. Vanilla flavoured frozen yogurt, topped generously with a mound of Oreos and cookie dough… Help. Numerous attempts have been taken to trick my brain into thinking that the copious amounts of walking will help stave off the legendary Freshman 15, but my increasing dependence on hot chocolate, vanilla bean fraps from Starbucks and Klondike Bars seem to indicate otherwise.

Help.

Social Life

What?

Academics

I am still stuck in dreams of summer, of burrowing under my blankets and not emerging from my cave until the sun sets. I dream of days where I would stay up till the proverbial rooster crows, killing various pixels that form the images of men with my pixel gun. I dream of a time long past, a time of relaxation, a time of guiltless weight gain, a time of laughter and intense boredom.

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

(I have two assignments due next Monday).

And thus concludes my address. My life has new meaning, now that you’ve wasted several minutes of your life reading this. The ego beast has been soothed, but only for so long, till the angst bubbles up again.