80% of my love of the UK stems from clotted cream. This is a miraculous substance with the appearance of sour cream, the taste of whole milk, the texture of custard, and the nutritional value of a can of Super Whip.
One of my first missions, upon settling into Cardiff, was to locate a reliable source of clotted cream. I have thus far failed to do so. Clotted cream appears to be less popular in Wales than England. I’ve tried Lidl, Tesco, Sainsbury’s and the co-op, with no success.
I decided that if clotted cream were to make its way into Wales, it would be in a pretentious British grocery chain with specialty items, a large selection and an intimidating price tag. In other words, a Marks and Spencer Food Hall.
I GoogleMapped the distance from Aberdare to the nearest M&S Food Hall, which proved to be an outlet in the suburbs. The distance was four miles. Blinded by my lust for clotted cream, I didn’t slow down to do the math. I decided I could walk four miles if sufficiently motivated, and so I set out.
The route took me through grungy Welsh suburbs that have not for many years felt the kiss of a plant that doesn’t grow in a pot. It took me over the river and through the woods and across the overpass. It took me through dense neighborhoods and sparse neighborhoods, old neighborhoods and new neighborhoods, past a castle of some sort (must investigate) and by all kinds of coffeeshops.
Finally I arrived at the outlet strip, flopped down on a bench outside M&S to rub my aching feet, and thought, crap. The math I did this morning was: 4 mile hike to M&S = clotted cream in time for tea. The math I should have done was 4 mile hike to M&S + obtaining clotted cream + 4 miles back to campus = clotted cream in time to substitute for the dinner I missed.
“But no matter,” thought I. “I shall make up this caloric loss with two pots of clotted cream.”
So I marched into Marks & Spencer Food Hall. And this is the sight that greeted me:
It was on the disconsolate walk back that I remembered that there’s a M&S Food Hall in St. David’s, ten minutes from Aberdare. Why it didn’t turn up on Google Maps, I’m not sure. Perhaps my phone was punishing me for drowning it last week?