Sometimes there’s a certain person that was just made to be put in the (dim, pink hued) spotlight that is the AMS Confidential. Tom Dvorak was one such person, who was a constant source of amazingly witty, uncensored quotes.

Thanks, Ubyssey 2010.04.08

El Presidente Bijan is also one of those guys. It’s like every time he opens his mouth, there’s something we can write about here. Now, he’s stepped into our realm: blogging. It’s a cut-throat world in the blogosphere, and I don’t know if Bijan knows what he’s getting himself into. Why bother, anyways? It’s not like there’s any money in this blog world anymore (Thanks Erik Mackinnon!). To further it, he’s billing himself as king shit, err, “AMS Media Done Right.” Oh bish plz. Dems defs fightin’ words.

I’m not going to comment on the “scene” in his vlog where the girls start screaming at him, steal his scarf, then he promptly begins to run away. I understand this situation may be uncomfortable for some, but from my research the past couple years, girls don’t have cooties anymore, and won’t hurt us men.

Regardless of how he could totally take advantage of the blog world merely to associate with the awesome people that inhabit it, Bijan is doing this for himself. Although supporting campus media, he doesn’t feel like he’s always getting the whole story. He wants the details. So it’s better if he’s in his office, making unilateral decisions, then reporting on them to all of us plebes down in the hitherlands, while looking down upon us and spending our student fees from his corner office in his castle. Bijan knows what’s best, right? Right.

I loves me dem details.

Holy shit, we’re only a minute into dissecting this video. To summarize… blah blah blah talk talk talk the new SUB is happening all because of me because I took the leadership to finalize the agreements and if I didn’t the building wasn’t going to happen because talks had stalled for TWO RIDICULOUSLY LONG YEARS. Good job, Bijan, Take all the credit for all the hard work past execs had done. That referendum to pay for the new SUB? That was probably all you too. Pat on the back!

Bijan then likens himself and his Executive to Team fricken Canada. Well, Canada just gave up 5 goals to the Russians in the 3rd period of the World Junior Championship game, so I suppose we’re completely fucked as a student society. Then he talks about UBC’s Got Talent. Bah. You know how we feel about that. Thanks to our strong campus partnerships, tickets are free! Wow! Thanks Bijan! Maybe put those awesome partnership skills you have into use and get us some sponsors for Block Party, or other events people actually give a shit about.

My favourite part comes next, and I quote: “Stephen Toope gives very tender hugs, but that is all that I’m aware of.” It’s like he wrapped up the awkwardness of a grade 9 high school dance into one sentence. I don’t know what would compel any human being to say this about another person when their relationship is questioned. To me, this screams that YES, Bijan, you are too close to the administration. Now if you start reading the Financial Times with ZeeVP and wearing matching bow-ties with B-Sull, then we’d have an even bigger problem than this now annual deficit business.