Author Archives: Kevin

Websites. You Are Doing It Wrong.

It’s time to rag on the candidate websites, and ohhhhh lorrdddyy do we have a steaming pile of crap this year. Honestly people… go sit in the Compsci building for 10 minutes with a sign saying “I’LL CONVERT TO LINUX IF YOU BUILD ME A WEBSITE” and you’ll have a computer nerd working for you. Here are a couple of my favourites, because I’m sure as hell not writing about all of them.

Continue reading

Sorry, JMac and BCapp.

We here at AMS Confidential would like to express our sincerest apologies to Ben Cappellacci and Jeremy McElroy. You may remember the picture to the right, from a while back. At the time, we were quite critical about their brown, “old man blazers.” I know times are tough since Bijan’s idea for a clothing allowance was killed, but you guys need to call each other ahead and make sure you’re not wearing similar jackets on the same day. Faux pas!

Why are we sorry? Due to this monstrosity.

What would possess someone to buy such a jacket? This garment makes those brown old man blazers look… well, better. Now I’m really glad Bijan didn’t get that clothing allowance, because I wouldn’t want my student fees to be spent on garbage like this. The brown… the grey…  Yuck.

This picture (before the unicorn heart laser battle) was snagged from Bijan’s latest video blog, where we got to see his uninspired speech at the UBC Student Leadership Conference. I highly enjoyed the panning shots of the crowd where you can see people texting, along with other University staff not really paying attention. Using his finely honed conflict resolution skills, Bijan taught us it’s important to compromise in situations like signing lease agreements. O RLY?

[Editor’s Note: the SLC specifically mentioned that there was to be no photo or video taken in the Chan Centre, whoops!]

Errrrrbody is Blogging These Days

Sometimes there’s a certain person that was just made to be put in the (dim, pink hued) spotlight that is the AMS Confidential. Tom Dvorak was one such person, who was a constant source of amazingly witty, uncensored quotes.

Thanks, Ubyssey 2010.04.08

El Presidente Bijan is also one of those guys. It’s like every time he opens his mouth, there’s something we can write about here. Now, he’s stepped into our realm: blogging. It’s a cut-throat world in the blogosphere, and I don’t know if Bijan knows what he’s getting himself into. Why bother, anyways? It’s not like there’s any money in this blog world anymore (Thanks Erik Mackinnon!). To further it, he’s billing himself as king shit, err, “AMS Media Done Right.” Oh bish plz. Dems defs fightin’ words.

I’m not going to comment on the “scene” in his vlog where the girls start screaming at him, steal his scarf, then he promptly begins to run away. I understand this situation may be uncomfortable for some, but from my research the past couple years, girls don’t have cooties anymore, and won’t hurt us men.

Regardless of how he could totally take advantage of the blog world merely to associate with the awesome people that inhabit it, Bijan is doing this for himself. Although supporting campus media, he doesn’t feel like he’s always getting the whole story. He wants the details. So it’s better if he’s in his office, making unilateral decisions, then reporting on them to all of us plebes down in the hitherlands, while looking down upon us and spending our student fees from his corner office in his castle. Bijan knows what’s best, right? Right.

I loves me dem details.

Holy shit, we’re only a minute into dissecting this video. To summarize… blah blah blah talk talk talk the new SUB is happening all because of me because I took the leadership to finalize the agreements and if I didn’t the building wasn’t going to happen because talks had stalled for TWO RIDICULOUSLY LONG YEARS. Good job, Bijan, Take all the credit for all the hard work past execs had done. That referendum to pay for the new SUB? That was probably all you too. Pat on the back!

Bijan then likens himself and his Executive to Team fricken Canada. Well, Canada just gave up 5 goals to the Russians in the 3rd period of the World Junior Championship game, so I suppose we’re completely fucked as a student society. Then he talks about UBC’s Got Talent. Bah. You know how we feel about that. Thanks to our strong campus partnerships, tickets are free! Wow! Thanks Bijan! Maybe put those awesome partnership skills you have into use and get us some sponsors for Block Party, or other events people actually give a shit about.

My favourite part comes next, and I quote: “Stephen Toope gives very tender hugs, but that is all that I’m aware of.” It’s like he wrapped up the awkwardness of a grade 9 high school dance into one sentence. I don’t know what would compel any human being to say this about another person when their relationship is questioned. To me, this screams that YES, Bijan, you are too close to the administration. Now if you start reading the Financial Times with ZeeVP and wearing matching bow-ties with B-Sull, then we’d have an even bigger problem than this now annual deficit business.


UBC’s Got Talent had an alright poster. Then we made it better.

Then they made a fancy animated version and put it on the AMS website. Being the jealous brat I am, I put the Confidential design team to work. This is what they came up with, and I’ve never been more proud of them.

Whatever it is you’re doing this week, whether you’re drowning in midterms, starting one of your five term papers, or just struggling with school in general, just take a break. Have a beer at The Gallery, or a coffee at Blue Chip. See that person behind you? For bonus points, buy their drink too, and tell them to pay it forward. You never know how easy it is to make someone’s day.

Cheers everyone. Happy Tuesday.

“Talent” Kevin wants to see at UBC’s Got Talent

The countdown is on! Just over two months until UBC’s Got Talent, where we’re going to see some amazing performers take the Chan Centre stage. Excited? I know I sure am!

Bullshit. C’mon. Admit it. You know this event is going to be super cheesy. Seeing our President BFF’s sing a duet will no doubt be enthralling; however, we need to spice it up a little. Let’s add in some crazy stuff. Snake charming… contorsionists… whatever. Let’s show what UBC really has to offer.The ladies over at 11eleven have a bit more analysis on the event, if you don’t want to simply hear about all the crazy stuff I want to see that you’d probably only think up near the end of Gallery Tuesday while tuning out the guys singing Backstreet Boys. Again.

On board? Great. Here’s what I want to see happen:

Continue reading

Dress-up time with Bijan

edit: of course the freaking Insiders post something about this on the same night I’m posting something. Arghhhhh. I have to go call the waaaaaambulance for myself.

Nestled deeply within the AMS Executive Committee meeting minutes of April 28 lies this gem:

Executive Wardrobes
• Bijan: Executives often have to attend external meetings and it’s important for them to look good. Perhaps there can be money set aside from the Lobbying Fund for buying clothes for the Executive.
• General feeling was that this was not necessary; people can buy their own clothes.

It’s actually at the top of page 3 of 4, so it’s not really nestled. The rumor of this has been floating around for ages, but GG had to wait until the official minutes came out, because he only reports on official news (the waits almost a week to actually post something).

C’mon Bijan… you got your fancy pink $5000 office, which didn’t even include the cost of paint, and now you’re asking for  a clothing budget? That just won’t fly.

But… what if it did? Hmm…

That plunging neckline… the high slit up the legs. Daring, and oh so hawt.

hawtest shit this side of Milan

A contemporary look inspired by one of the greats from the past.

the "mike duncan"

The only way to describe this is… Fisherman Gaga.

look at the Alexander McQueen shoes. fucking look at 'em. they cost as much as his new office!

King of the jungle, king of the AMS. Only fitting we end with this…

pedobear approves. S&M horse and scat rat do not

and hell… let’s just throw in this video for fun. Go watch Bijan dance now. XOXO…

Cappellacci wears ugly old man blazer, lures Ackbar into trap.

AMS VP Academic, Ben Cappellacci, has pulled off what some are calling the greatest trap in UBC’s illustrious history. He has somehow lured Admiral Ackbar, the preeminent source of all trap locations on campus, into a trap. The trap of Associate Vice President Academic.

We here at the Confidential were really excited when the Admiral was elected. We’re going to be extremely sad as he is forced to resign from council. We might even shed a pink tear from our collective sparkle eyes.

Guess there’s another Arts AMS rep spot open… #GG4Artsrep

This isn’t some April Fools joke.

This isn’t a trap.

To Whom It May Concern:
I am resigning my seat as an Arts AMS Rep, effective immediately.  I have found that my Council chair does not swivel to the standards I became accustomed to in 1983, and the distinct lack of spaceships under the AMS’ command makes it difficult for me to be effective.
Because I am taking the position of AVP Academic, I have no choice but to resign: the AMS can’t repel conflicts of interest of that magnitude.
I look forward to working with everyone in my new capacity, and would like to say that I do admire the amount of time and effort you all put in to bettering the UBC experience, especially since most of you do so as volunteers.
Yours sincerely,
Admiral Ackbar / Sean Cregten

he'll safewalk you home too.

Abandon Ship


The AUS Phailboat is going dowwnnnn.

Yesterday, my beloved Arts Undergraduate Society selected an interm President. They picked someone who already lost in the previous election, and was essentially a sore loser. FML.

After I straggled in, got a slice of delicious pizza, and started to listen, turns out there were four nominees for the vacant President seat. Who were these four fine candidates? The lovely Cheryl Kornder, former SUB Queen Crystal Hon, Mr. “FUCK THE AUS/LET’S MAKE IT AWESOMER” Brian Platt, and eventual winner, Ryan “I’m so happy and easy to work with vote for me even though my speech was complete hogshit garbage” Trasolini.

After the first round of voting, Cheryl and Crystal were eliminated. Hmm… both start with the letter C. Both eliminated. Conspiracy? I think so. Conspiracy even starts with the same letter (WHOA MIND BLOWN). Better take this up with student court so they can analyze something completely different about the council meeting. Eliminating these two was the first mistake council made.

Second round, everyone voted again. Turned out to be 12-9 or 11-9 or something like that for Ryan. Or Brian. “WHAT? With a B or an R?” With an R. Ryan. Ryan won. Hokay. Agreed. D’accord.

all eyes on you. all two of 'em.

@ginohhh’s tweet pretty much sums up how I feel about the situation: “Congratulations to the AUS for achieving new heights of incompetence. I’m out.”

Seriously. Council… WTF? You went though a month or two of elections / agony / student court / useless banter / resignations /complaining … and you end up appointing the same cry baby which put you into this whole mess? Smart. Real fucking smart. Maybe I shouldn’t even bemoan council, seeing as though it was all proxies there. Yeah, let’s let Mike Silley vote, even though he was kinda/sorta involved in the elections clusterfuck. Great fucking idea. No Offense, Mike.

I don’t know what to rant about. That council appointed Ryan, or you didn’t pick other, much more qualified candidates that weren’t involved in the clusterfuck of an election. You should have appointed someone impartial. Someone removed from the previous debacle. Someone that could have gotten the AUS back on track. Someone who could have led the recovery, and bring the AUS back to what it used to be (some of us still remember the ACF days).

Dammit council, you failed. I guess whining enough does pay off.

Like baby, baby, baby noooo

Update: Srsly, dudes. We even gots the MEMO: The Pit Pub Is Fucked
Somehow in the midst of last night’s council festivities, news happened right underneath our noses… literally. The loss to campus drinking culture is irreparable. Ladies and gentlemen, the War on Fun is for real: UBC has pulled the Pit Pub’s license.
let’s repeat that, without sparkles:
Seriously. The RCMP entered last night & confiscated several underage IDs, both inside and outside the bar.  Service was cut off early last night, and this morning sources told us that there will be no further service until the AMS & the University iron this out.
What else do we know?
1. Licenses are being pulled as part of a joint effort between the university & campus RCMP to crack down on underage drinking.
2. Sources say the RCMP were tipped off as to the entry of underage drinkers by a bouncer working the back door. So… the RCMP are fans of back-door entry? [rimshot]
3. And, not that we totally believe this from the drunk girls, but the RCMP were wearing special ‘liquor law enforcement unit’ vests?? WE SO HOPE THIS IS TRUE. Fashion-forward thinking, guys.

you look underage. i can tell from your elaborate unicorn dress, and from seeing quite a few underagers in my time.

Another Update: Apparently on April 1st, people like spread shit. We’re happy you liked it 😉