Beowulf is another one of those tales that are meant to be heard rather than read, preferably with a gruff and atmospheric voice in this case. It is a tale of epic proportions that is the perfect story to recite around a dinner table or bonfire in a crowd of drunken men. It is a viable method of getting the morale and blood of soldiers rolling high before a large battle. It is even a fairly effective propaganda tool for implanting the ideals of a “hero” into youth. What it isn’t, however (or at least not intended to be), is a deep, multi-layered story. It isn’t The Odyssey, isn’t Medea, isn’t Odysseus, and definitely isn’t The Republic, the last of which goes without saying. What it is in our modern perspective is a historical work, the kind which we analyze not because of its philosophical meaning but because of its cultural context. Not to say that it doesn’t have any merits as a work of literature (Tolkien can attest to that), but the truth is that if some random person wrote the exact same story using modern writing conventions, the majority of readers would call it a crappy story. Now, that actually applies to quite a few books in our reading list, but it’s especially clear with this one, at least in my opinion.
So what really happened in this poem? To sum it up, some great king decided to create a great hall and party all day long in it. As a result of this incessant noise-making, Grendel became grumpy and decided to eat them all so that they would finally give him some peace and quiet (and because he was evil and hungry and all that stuff). Then, wanting to get his partying days back, the great king called for the extermination of the party-crasher but was met with continuous failure, despair, and the transformation of his party buddies into high-protein meals. Then came Beowulf, one of those rare lunatics who can actually back his boasting with divine muscles, along with his own party buddies who all turned out to be useless except for one. Beowulf heard about the great party king’s woes of only being able to throw sad one-man parties in his hall and decided that he would put an end to grumpy Grendel—with his bare hands, because he’s that awesome. Hearing this, the great king was delighted and decided to throw a huge party (because he’s the great party king), until night came and went back to his sleeping chambers so that he could party another day. Beowulf, waiting in the hall with his mostly useless party buddies, was eventually met with grumpy Grendel coming for a late night snack. After munching on a party buddy who was probably useless anyway, Beowulf did his battle cry and ripped Grendel’s limbs off. So came the sad end of grumpy Grendel, who limped away and died in a ditch somewhere, a damned soul who just wanted some peace and quiet but was too shy to ask. The great king returned to a victorious Beowulf, and they all started partying again. Upon hearing about her son’s vicious murder, however, Grendel’s mother was enraged (who can blame her) and decided to take up Grendel’s noble cause of party-crashing. Thus, she came in and did away with the great king’s best party buddy, bringing him to despair as his parties will now never be the same again. Hearing this, testosterone-permeated Beowulf decided to take revenge for Grendel’s mother taking revenge on her son who Beowulf killed in revenge because Grendel exceeded his diet quotient for the past seven years. Deciding, however, that even he was not awesome enough to do this barehanded, Beowulf took a powerful sword that turned out to be useless and entered the lake where Grendel’s mother dwelled alone (because his party buddies were clearly useless by this point). After a huge struggle in which Beowulf actually managed to find a sword that wasn’t completely useless, he slayed Grendel’s mother and brought her head back on a pike so that everyone could see how much of a lunatic he was. Discovering that all his troubles were gone, the great party king partied happily ever after and Beowulf went back to do more of his lunatic deeds, the last of which involved killing a dragon with his one not useless party buddy supporting him. He died, his men got treasure, and he got a giant sea beacon built for him so that everyone would know how awesome and how much of a lunatic he was in times to come. The end.
Beowulf
