Revised definitions assignment
This assignment required students to pick a technical word that would not be familiar to a general audience. By doing so, it allows the writer to learn how to write definitions that are clear and easy to learn for any reader. To define a complex word with concise, short sentences, it was an opportunity for students to experience what technical writing is like. The assignment required clear explanations without adding unnecessary information which is an important aspect of technical writing. With this being the revised version, it also allowed students to experience reading constructive feedback from peers to improve their own work. The end result was a more polished assignment.
Introduction: The purpose of this assignment is to focus on writing for a specific audience. When teaching an audience new information, it is important to write in a manner that is comprehensible and efficient. If the reader is confused, then you have missed your goal. For this assignment, I intend to teach a new term in a direct fashion. The term that I have chosen to define for a non-technical audience is one that is used in social psychology: deindividuation. I will provide three types of definitions for this term: parenthetical, sentence, and expanded.
The situation: A professor explaining deindividuation to his students in a social psychology course at UBC.
Parenthetical definition: Deindividuation (a decrease in self-awareness and control in a group setting) has been observed in experiments by many social psychologists.
Sentence definition: Deindividuation is a concept explored in social psychology that examines how individuals can experience a decrease in self-awareness and control in a group setting. This phenomenon is characterized by an individual’s sudden participation in violent or antisocial actions due to a belief that they can not be held accountable for their actions.
Expanded definition:
History: Deindividuation theory was first termed in the 1950s by Leon Festinger to describe what happens when individuals experience group mentality. However, this idea was first explored much earlier by Gustave Le Bon in the 19th century where rioting was a common occurrence in France (Douglas). Le Bon believed that being a part of a crowd promoted impulsive behaviour in individuals that resulted from a decrease in self control and feeling of responsibility (Douglas). This laid the groundwork for deindividuation which American psychologist William McDougall further explored, stating that large crowds draw out emotions such as anger and fear. These basic emotions, which are experienced by everyone, are then able to transfer quickly to each individual the moment people begin to express them, causing anger or fear to be the driving factor for their actions (Douglas).
Required Condition: For deindividuation to occur, there are a couple factors that must be in place. As listed by psychologist Philip Zimbardo, along with being a part of a group or crowd, other factors include: having anonymity within the group, a decrease in feelings of responsibility, experiencing heightened physiological arousal such as feeling adrenaline, or being influenced by drugs or alcohol (Hopper).
Example: An easy and relevant example of deindividuation occurs in riots. In this large crowd, emotions of anger travel quickly throughout each individual, causing an increase in physiological stimulation such as a rush of adrenaline. Riots often happen outdoors with a group of strangers which allows for anonymity to play its role in decreasing feelings of accountability while increasing the belief of no consequences to be had. With these factors in place, individuals get caught in the midst and begin partaking in dangerous actions such as looting or damaging property.
Visual:
Figure 1. Demonstrates the process in which different factors lead to deindividuation (Perry).
Works Cited:
Douglas, K. M. (2019, January 4). Deindividuation. Retrieved from https://www.britannica.com/topic/deindividuation
Hopper, E. (2020, February 29). What Is Deindividuation in Psychology? Definition and Examples. Retrieved from https://www.thoughtco.com/what-is-deindividuation-in-psychology-4797893
Perry, M. (1998). Deindividuation. Retrieved from https://www.units.miamioh.edu/psybersite/fans/deindividuation.shtml
Revised peer review of Aran’s definitions assignment
This is the first peer review assignment of the course. While this review is meant to help the writer edit any mistakes, it was also an opportunity for the proofreader to edit someone else’s work. This set the groundwork for future peer reviews. It was an opportunity to give and receive constructive feedback and/or criticism, and a chance to explore other people’s writing styles.
To: Aran Chang, ENGL 301 Writing Team Member
From: Cathy Liu, ENGL 301 Writing Team Member
Date: June 10, 2020
Subject: Peer Review of Definitions Assignment
Hi Aran,
I have read over your definition of deixis and appreciated how well written and thought out it was. Thank you for the effort you put into this assignment. You have chosen an interesting term that is both unique to your studies and one that is likely unfamiliar to a general audience. Your sentences are clear and concise and do not give any irrelevant information that would confuse the reader. It is evident that you have a good understanding of this term. As your team member, I would like to provide some suggestions that could help you with your revisions.
Organization
The structure of your writing is well organized in this assignment. Each section has a bold title which makes it easy to find what you are looking for. Your introduction is helpful in explaining to the reader what the situation is and gives a clear overview of the assignment. In the expanded definitions section, your definitions are read in a thoughtful order with the etymology first and the examples last. To improve the organization, I believe it would be helpful to have personal deixis, place deixis, and time deixis written as points underneath the section, Analysis of Parts, instead of appearing separately.
Visuals
Under the criteria of Assignment 1-3, it called for an inclusion of at least one visual. If you can find a visual appropriate for this term, I believe it is required unless arrangements have been made with the professor.
Jargon
The overall use of language in this assignment is simple and easy to understand. One sentence I wish to point out is under Negation: “which interlocutors consciously or subconsciously interpret as they listen in a conversation.” I think that perhaps a term other than ‘interlocutor’ would be easier to understand for a general audience.
Comprehension
I think that while your definition of the word’s etymology is concise, it could be a bit clearer when you state that “the principle of deixis is ‘to show’ something…” The use of the word ‘something’ makes the sentence seem vague despite your clarifications that it refers to a time, place, or situation. My suggestion is to remove ‘something’ altogether. The sentence could become: “Likewise, the principle of deixis is ‘to show’ the time, place, or situation that an individual is referring to.” An additional note, there is a mistake at the end of the sentence, “whether that may or time, place or situation,” as I believe you meant to write be instead of or.
In your definition of place deixis, your sentence reads: “words such as there, and there are often…” I believe you meant to write another word instead of using there twice.
Aside from my note on the etymology definition, the rest of your definitions are effective.
Final Comments
I hope that my suggestions for you will prove to be helpful during your revisions. Here is a summary of suggested revisions:
- Improve the organization of the section on deixis
- Include a visual in the assignment
- Use a simpler term instead of ‘interlocutor’
- Change spelling and grammatical mistakes listed under Comprehension
If you have any questions about the changes I have proposed, feel free to reach out to me. The peer editing that I have done show only minor mistakes as your overall assignment was well done. I look forward to reading your final revised definitions.
Link to Aran’s definitions: https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-98a-2020sa/2020/06/02/assignment-1-3-definitions/
Revised formal report proposal
This assignment was critical for the development of the formal report. To proceed in the class, this proposal must be approved by Dr. Paterson. This approval implied that you have an ethical topic and that your proposal is interesting to look into. Because the formal report was a project taking place over many weeks, it was important to have a good start. This assignment allowed the student to look over their proposal and determine whether the subject they chose has an appropriate problem and solution. This organized method of brainstorming was helpful in proceeding to the draft.
To: Dr. Erika Paterson, Instructor, ENGL 301
From: Cathy Liu, Student, ENGL 301
Date: June 25, 2020
Subject: Proposal for Implementing a Self Serve Keno Machine at BCLC Lotto Booths
Introduction
The BCLC (British Columbia Lottery Corporation) is a billion dollar business selling lottery tickets, scratch tickets, and other forms of betting. Keno, one of its popular games, consists of a draw every three minute and thirty seconds in which players bet up to 10 numbers which they hope to be drawn. Of all the tickets being sold in store, Keno is the only game which requires the ticket to be purchased within a set time limit.
Statement of Problem
Due to the fast nature of the game, if players do not submit their Keno betting slips to the cashier in time to receive their ticket, they miss the round altogether. This often leads to frustration from customers when they wish to participate in specific rounds. Although the Lotto Booth in Guildford Mall has 2 cash registers, cashiers deal with transactions for all tickets and games and can not match the fast paced style of Keno when the store is busy. This may lead to a decrease in Keno players due to the store’s inability to meet their needs which results in a decrease in sales.
Proposed Solution
There are ways that this problem can be solved. A self serve Keno machine should be installed at the Guildford Mall location that is designated specifically for Keno players. This machine will focus solely on providing Keno players with getting their tickets back on time so they can join the round they want. Without having to line up to wait for other customers who do not have time limits, Keno players can play comfortably.
Scope
To determine the viability of implementing a serve serve machine designated for Keno, here are the questions I plan to find answers for:
- How much will a self serve machine cost?
- How much will it cost to install this machine?
- How much does the store already make on Keno sales?
- Compared to the rate tickets are selling currently, how much more profit will a self serve machine bring in?
- How can the store promote this machine to increase customer interest in playing Keno at this location?
- What are the benefits compared to a cashier run register?
Methods
To determine the effects of installing this new machine, my main sources of data will include retrieving information from past co-workers to view their thoughts on if this will benefit the stores. I will also conduct a survey specifically for Keno players to explore their frustrations and concerns regarding the current purchasing system. I will ask questions such as whether they feel they have enough time in between games, how often do they run out of time, and whether this inadequacy stops them from wanting to play.
My Qualifications
Having previously worked at the Guildford Mall Lotto Booth for a year, I have dealt with many customers who became frustrated due to the long lines and inability to match the speed that is required from Keno.
Conclusion
Meeting the needs of the customers is an important aspect that businesses must consider. While most customers can take their time and ask questions when purchasing scratch tickets or lottery tickets, the limited time set by Keno requires its players to move quickly. Having an individual machine specifically catered to Keno players would improve efficiency and speed. By addressing the areas I have outlined, I will be able to create a plan to set this in motion.
Progress report
Having a large project such as the Formal Report, this Progress Report helped Dr. Paterson gauge each students’ progress. It allowed Dr. Paterson to help with any questions or concerns while also checking that the student was getting work done. This report required the student to have researched some information about their topic. It also asked the student to think ahead in the future to create a schedule to help with completing the report. This progress report acted like a checklist. At this point in time, it allowed students to reflect on how much worked was done, and how much more needed to be completed.
MEMORANDUM
To: Dr. Erika Paterson, ENGL 301 Instructor
From: Cathy Liu, ENGL 301 Student
Date: July 12, 2020
Subject: Formal Report Progress Update
I have provided an outline for the progress of my formal report below as required by unit 2-3.
Audience: This formal report is to be presented to the manager of Guildford Lotto!, Natalie Chew. This individual has the ability to present changes for the store.
Purpose: The purpose of this report is to consider and explore the benefits of installing a self-serve machine for Keno players. In comparison to cashier run machines, the report will examine differences such as speed, efficiency, and profit.
Significance: If proven to be more effective, implementing this new self-serve machine could lead to an increase in Keno store profits and customer satisfaction from Keno players.
Research Plan:
- Research costs installing self-serve machines and cost of upkeep or maintenance
- Post survey to individuals who play Keno
- Schedule and conduct interviews for past coworkers and current employees
- Summarize findings from interviews and surveys
Writing Schedule:
- Create survey for Keno players – completed
- Create interview questions for past and current employees – completed
- Conduct the interviews – after approval from instructor
- Begin survey distribution – after approval from instructor
- Research information on self-serve machines – July 20 – 25
- Post formal report draft – August 1
- Revised report after peer review – August 9 – 12
- Formal report due – August 17
Thank you for your time. Please email me with any questions or concerns.
Revised complaint letter & response letter
This assignment focused on writing with a YOU-attitude. Having to write both the complaint and the response taught students the importance of writing with the right attitude. The focus of the letter on should always be on ‘YOU.’ Other important aspects of this assignment were the format and content of the letters. Proper headings and the organization of the letter are important. While it should be written in a formal manner, it is important to maintain a friendly tone.
Cathy Liu
123 Fake Street
Vancouver, BC V3R 4K5
July 27, 2020
Razer
9 Pasteur, Suite 100
Irvine, CA 92618
Telephone: (604) 349-9235
Dear Razer Customer Service:
As a customer of Razer for the past two years, I have always enjoyed the quality of your products. After having purchased the Razer Black Widow in the past, I was excited to try another keyboard. However, issues with shipping and customer service has left me disappointed and frustrated.
One June 14, I ordered the Razer Huntsman Elite from the website. Despite the shipment being confirmed and stated that it was on its way, upon checking the tracking order, I realized that the product was being delivered to the wrong address. After contacting Razer customer service, I was told that the product was being shipped back to its facilities instead of being shipped to my proper address. When I asked customer service about this mix up, they instead suggested a refund which I did not ask for.
While I understand that problems may arise with shipments due to the large amount of orders Razer must receive, their inaction to resolve this problem, which was not caused by my own faults, has left me greatly disappointed. I have had great experiences in the past with my purchases from this company and I am hoping this issue can be fixed.
I would appreciate hearing back from you as soon as possible.
Respectfully,
Cathy Liu
Razer
9 Pasteur, Suite 100
Irvine, CA 92618
July 27, 2020
Cathy Liu
123 Fake Street
Vancouver, BC V3R 4K5
Dear Ms. Liu:
Thank you for bringing our attention to your recent experience with our shipping services. We apologize for our miscommunication and thank you for your patience. We will continue to work on improving our customer service to ensure that you get the best experience.
Unfortunately, the Razer Huntsman Elite you ordered is currently out of stock, but in appreciation for your understanding, in addition to giving you a full refund, you will also be sent the original Razer Huntsman to show our gratitude for your support of this company.
If any problems arise in the future when purchasing products from our site, please feel free to contact me directly. I assure you that we will do our best to provide you with the best possible service so that you can continue to enjoy our products.
Sincerely,
John Smith
Razer Customer Support
revised peer review of GLEN’S Application package
This assignment focused on proofreading for mistakes in important documents. There should be no spelling or grammatical errors found in your resume, cover letter, or letters asking for reference. The eyes of another proofreader can help. Other important aspects of this assignment that were noted by the reviewer was to look at the organization of the documents. The proper format should be used. A casual tone is to be avoided and the reviewer must check for a professional tone given the professional documents.
To: Glen Kavaliunas, ENGL 301 Student
From: Cathy Liu, ENGL 301 Student
Date: August 15, 2020
Subject: Peer Review for Glen’s Application Package
Dear Glen,
Thank you for completing your application package. With the end of the semester approaching, I appreciate your consistent effort for the assignments. Below I have listed suggestions on how to improve on your application package.
First Impressions
Your forum post is nicely laid out with links to the job posting and you correctly cited in MLA as well. You have all the sections needed for this assignment, and at first glance it is incredibly organized and neat. The signature at the end of your letters is a nice touch.
Cover Letter
You correctly followed the lay out as described in the textbook for writing cover letters. It is nicely written and tidy. Your paragraphs also flow nicely one after another, with the information moving from giving necessary information about yourself to your experiences. One suggestion is perhaps including something about building good relationships with others or working well with others, as in the job posting it comments about having good relationships with other people. Another suggestion might be to include your name somewhere early on so the reader can know immediately who submitted this cover letter and resume. Other than the few corrections listed right below, there is not much else that needs to be changed. Good job!
Corrections:
- In your second paragraph, you write “for the past thee years,” which should be changed to three
- Also in the second paragraph, you write “doing monthly books a GST for companies” – I am not quite sure if you are missing a word or perhaps a comma here
Resume
Your resume is well written. You list your experiences in an order that is descending from most recent jobs, but also in terms of relevancy. This is good as it lets your interviewer immediately know you have the experience for the job. The skills you list are also relevant to the job you are applying for. One note here is that the locations under your work experience are a little out of line. Your resume can look even cleaner and neater if they are all aligned to the right. Aside from this, you do not have any spelling or grammatical errors here.
Reference Letters
You correctly follow the lay out of the letter as indicated in the textbook. It is very neat which is appreciated. You include a nice personal note in the second paragraphs which separates each letter. You use a nice, friendly tone in the letter as well.
There does not appear to be any spelling or grammatical errors in this section – well done!
Conclusion
Your job application package draft was overall very well written. Your effort in writing and editing is evident. There are not many changes to suggest, but below is a quick summary of some changes I have suggested:
- In your cover letter, include your name early on for easy recognition
- Including traits about working well with others in your cover letter may be beneficial as it is also noted in the job posting you selected
- Spelling or grammatical errors in your cover letter are listed in the section under ‘Cover Letter’
- Aligning the locations on your resume will provide an even tidier look
Great job completing this assignment. There are not many changes to suggest, but hopefully these will help you polish your package even further.
Link to Glen’s application package post: https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-98a-2020sa/2020/08/12/job-application-package-glen-kavaliunas/
REVISED PEER REVIEW OF MONEY’S FORMAL REPORT DRAFT
The peer review for the formal report draft is meant to provide constructive feedback to the writer. In a report, it is important to focus on the content and organization. By having someone else proofread, spelling and grammatical errors can also be found easily. The reviewer should look for consistency in using the YOU-attitude and maintaining a professional tone in the writing.
To: Money Dhaliwal, ENGL 301 Student
From: Cathy Liu, ENGL 301 Student
Date: August 7, 2020
Subject: Peer Review of Cost Analysis Benefit for White Rock Honda
Dear Money,
Your peer review has been completed. Please continue reading to view recommendations for your final draft.
First Impressions
Upon the first reading, it is clear that you have properly and cleanly laid out all your information with the appropriate headings and sections. You also make use of numerous visuals to help the reader better understand the statistics. The language you use throughout the report is fitting for all audiences and you do not include any jargon that would further confuse the reader. Overall, the effort you put into this assignment is appreciated as it was very well done.
Content
Introduction
Your introduction is short and concise, getting directly to the point of the report. The reader is immediately able to identify the problem you are arguing for, which means you have accomplished the goal of your introduction. You include information about the methods you used to retrieve data as well, which is laid out nicely.
Revisions:
- In your opening paragraph, “Washing customers cars” needs an apostrophe so that it reads “Washing customers’ cars”.
Data Section
Your data section was very organized and well structured. You give the audience all the information they need to know, and explain everything step by step so they can properly understand what you are calculating.
Revisions:
- In your second paragraph, “will not be analysed and will assumed to be” should be “will not be analysed and will be assumed to be”
- You have an error in the line “24 could 48 cars could be washed in a shift”
- “During busy time there may be…” should be “During busy times“
- The line “The lot attendants interview had a range of 10-20 minutes that depends on the size, angles and dirtiness of the car” does not make sense
- You are missing an h in “Both lot attendants say that they would prefer an automatic wash rather than having a dealer hand was their cars”
- “This leads to car being sent back and upset customers” is grammatically incorrect
- Under ‘Preference Between Car Wash Methods” you say “Figure 1 below shows the data,” but you are referring to Figure 2
- similarly, the next paragraph calls for Figure 3 but you call it Figure 2
Conclusion
The conclusion, like your introduction, is concise and to the point. While it is important to be clear in your writing, the conclusion can better benefit from some more elaborating so the reader is left with a take away. You do list many recommendations which is great and shows the amount of thought you put into this solution.
Organization
Overall, your entire draft is well written and organized in a manner that is easily navigated. Your table of contents at the beginning is very neat and encompasses all the sections and visuals your report consists of. Nothing you write feels unnecessary or out of place, and there are no big blocks of text that feel difficult to read. You bold every major heading, and use italics or other means to separate smaller headings as well. You also write the draft in the correct order of information for the reader.
Style
You write in a friendly yet official and professional manner. You do not write negatively about White Rock Honda, but instead make positive suggestions to improve both employee and customer satisfaction. There were a couple sentences that felt grammatically incorrect or difficult to understand, and I have listed them under “Content” and under the section where the error was.
Design
I appreciate the use of visuals in your report, especially to show the responses from your survey as it is much easier to read. They are well labelled and easy to understand. However, in the table of contents you list having 6 Figures despite only using 3 currently in your draft.
The visuals of your overall draft is pleasing and nice to look at. You bold and center titles, you italicize to emphasize important words or phrases, and nothing is too long. Good job.
Final Comments
Overall, a great draft that will be helpful towards your final draft. While there are some changes and edits to be made, it was well done and your effort clearly shows. Some changes that need to be made include:
- Revisions to spelling mistakes or grammatical errors which are listed under each section I proofread
- Editing the table of contents (the number of figures you use)
Great job. If you have any questions please feel free to reach out to me.
Here is a link to Money’s report draft: https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-98a-2020sa/2020/08/01/formal-report-draft-money-dhaliwal/