I, just now, had my first pang of loneliness. I was sitting here, on my bed, at nearly 2AM, going through my endless belongings, throwing out half of it and tucking away the rest for my University life when it was like, boom, the high died. I looked around me and saw my dog sleeping lazily on my pillows, my open computer playing “Everything’s Not Lost” by Coldplay, and all these boxes and containers swallowing the living room I’ve been using as a bedroom the past few months. I realized that all of this will be gone in a matter of days, within a week I will be completely alone, 800 miles (1,300 km) away, independent Sam, off at college. I am terrified.
I am supposed to be the strong one. The nomad, completely indifferent to changing locations, faces, places. I really shouldn’t be so scared. I never have been before. Yes, I know this is different, as it is supposed to be. I just can’t shake the feeling that I’ve been dreaming the past few months, looking over my life like it is as some sort of limbo before UBC, not as what it is, my life. Did I spend my time to the fullest? Should I have been calling friends instead of reading the UBC view books over and over? Will I regret my choices a week from now? I have no answers, but I hope this is just a phase.
Honestly, I am excited. Already I’ve met several amazing people through Facebook that I can’t wait to meet in person. I am not worried about fitting in or finding friends, I’m just worried about the life I am leaving behind, the person I am leaving behind. The Sam that stayed in bed an extra half hour just to talk to and pet her dogs, the Sam that did wheatgrass shots with her mom at Jamba Juice this afternoon, the Sam that could kill a day writing a love letters to friends. I just want a little more time to be here until I dive back in to school, to schedules, to work.
I know that once I get up there this will fade. I will get so caught up in the sheer amount of things to do that I won’t have time to sit and think about everything I left behind, all the people and habits and pets; all the things that will be waiting for me when I get back. It’s just now, when it’s dark and quiet outside, when there are only thirty-six hours before I leave and boxes all around me that I realize how much I am going to miss it all.
I am going to work very hard on staying strong.
2 replies on “Hoping Everything’s Not Lost”
Even before I left, I also missed everyone so much. It wasn’t so much the city or the culture I was thinking about — sometimes I have a hankering for Chinese food so I go hunting for it, but that’s not what I’m missing. More like — I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss the feeling of being totally comfortable with people who knew me through and through. That kind of comfort also makes me more confident about myself, because I’m sure of who I am. Here, I’m still essentially me, but for now, a more confused version.
I feel like I just wrote the same post as you. Weird when that happens… why is weird spelt e before i, when the e is not after a c. These things bother me.
Be sure to tell us what UBC and the dorms are like when you get there…