There are always things that bother me.

You know, just little things. Sometimes, it’s sweat running down my back. Other times, it’s crying babies on airplanes. But there’s been something that has been bothering me for a while now, something that has been fermenting (like fine wine, kimchi, and other things that ferment) in the recesses of my rather blank mind.

I haven’t updated this blog in a year.

I know. Wow, Jay. WOW. W-O-W. How could you?

I really wanted to blog. I really did. But as I sat in front of my computer, fingers positioned on the keyboard, I realized that I had absolutely nothing to talk about, and I really didn’t want to write up some half-baked nonsense just to keep my blog alive. I’ve been waiting for that aha moment, that moment when I realize that I had something worthwhile to blog about, but alas.

Second year was also a little difficult for me. It was also easier in some ways. For one, I had grown accustomed to UBC and I had my first year experience to fall back on, so I knew my sneaky excuses to escape the responsibilities of school (“I’ll do it tomorrow”, “After this round”, “After I clear this area in Dragon Age”). I was more familiar with courses in UBC, so I knew how to study, how to write papers, how to dance with the demon that is sleep deprivation, and how to juggle my studies with a job. Even so, I could feel myself burning out. I didn’t want to do any more readings, or write papers, or cry my eyes out at night as I strangle my poor brain for thesis ideas. By the end of the April exam period, I was done. I could barely bring myself to study for my last exam because I could not find any hoots to give.

I’ve also come to accept the fact that I am me, and not anyone else. Just because some people make it past second year without feeling as burnt out as I did, just because these people did “more” while I was slacking off compared to them…. It didn’t invalidate my feelings. It took me a long time to accept that I am permitted to feel like absolute rubbish without feeling doubly like rubbish just because other people don’t feel the same way. Did that make sense? What I am trying to say is – I’ve learned to stop comparing myself with other people (just a little though; I’m not completely free from that), and I have somehow come to terms with the fact that I am disgustingly human with gross human feelings that are icky.

So I decided to go on a holiday. A really long holiday. I was off in Europe for about 5 weeks this summer, and I forbade myself to think about school, jobs, and other things that get my palms clammy. It was a really grand adventure, and it was leg day every day as I traversed across a number of European towns. My holiday was long enough that I needed a holiday from my holiday by the end of it, and now I’m back in Vancouver, ready to rev my engine once again. Gently, though.

Gently.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE, HERE’S A PICTURE FROM FONTAINEBLEAU

and here’s a llama i met in Sheffield