Even though it feels like it’s been five hundred million years since I last blogged. (It’s been like two weeks)

I’m going to be honest guys, I’m feeling a little down.

Gotta blog about the good AND the bad right?

So here’s my “bad”: I have no idea what I’m doing right now.

I spend a lot of time thinking now a days. Thinking about if I’m in the right courses, in the right faculty, hell, am I even in the right school? There’s so much confusion and insecurity and a lot of feeling lost.

I’m pretty sure it’s totally normal for first years, but it’s still super scary.

It’s scary not knowing what the future will be like, you know? Not knowing whether or not all the effort I put into my classes now will pay off. Not knowing what I’m going to do. Not knowing if what I decide to do is something that will make me happy.

I’m a super indecisive person. I don’t really like to say that one particular thing/career would make me happy. I don’t know what I’m going to do and where I’m going to go and what I’m going to specialize in. I’M VERY CONFUSED.

Then there’s the fact that I used to get good grades in high school. Sure, it’s easy to joke about how I’m just going for a pass, but I’ve never actually felt that I would fail anything. Until first year university. I feel like I had something good going on in high school: great friends, good reputation, good standing with my teachers, super involved. And now I’m here and it’s like the rug has been ripped right out from under me.

I’m here in a place where I have no reputation, where I start fresh. And isn’t that a good thing?

Right now? No. Because no one knows that despite the horrid grades I’m getting, I actually do understand material, I’m just not good at tests. Never was. And so people usually think I’m stupid. And it’s a blow to my ego… And patience (which I already have little of) when people explain things to me thinking I can’t understand simple english.

Later on in the year (aka when I’m not feeling so pessimistic about EVERYTHING?) Yeah. It’ll be good. It’ll be nice to finally have my own self-earned rep. In high school I earned a reputation of being “smart” because my older sister was a super genius and my high school is small and we look the same. Naturally people assumed we had the same brain. (WE DEFINITELY DO NOT). So being in university where no one knows who my sister is or what grades I got, it’s a change.

I’m blogging about this because it’s literally all I keep thinking about. I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE. What the heck am I going to do for the rest of my life? Being a student is all I know. What the heck will happen to me.

YOU GUYS I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON WITH ME. All I wanna do is lay on my couch and watch TV for the rest of my life. …Which is super sad. And would get boring after 2 days. But that’s what I feel like doing.

OKAY OKAY. Positive ending because I don’t want to be a total downer…

It’ll get better. And I know it will. No matter how or when it WILL get better. And if any of you are feeling the same way I am, then you are not alone (and neither am I, yay!) and I swear it’ll get better.

Positivity here I come! … (after the midterms maybe.)

This post was way longer then I thought it’d be. Sorry if I bored you with my somewhat depressing musings.

I want out of this funk asap.

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