Even though it feels like it’s been five hundred million years since I last blogged. (It’s been like two weeks)
I’m going to be honest guys, I’m feeling a little down.
Gotta blog about the good AND the bad right?
So here’s my “bad”: I have no idea what I’m doing right now.
I spend a lot of time thinking now a days. Thinking about if I’m in the right courses, in the right faculty, hell, am I even in the right school? There’s so much confusion and insecurity and a lot of feeling lost.
I’m pretty sure it’s totally normal for first years, but it’s still super scary.
It’s scary not knowing what the future will be like, you know? Not knowing whether or not all the effort I put into my classes now will pay off. Not knowing what I’m going to do. Not knowing if what I decide to do is something that will make me happy.
I’m a super indecisive person. I don’t really like to say that one particular thing/career would make me happy. I don’t know what I’m going to do and where I’m going to go and what I’m going to specialize in. I’M VERY CONFUSED.
Then there’s the fact that I used to get good grades in high school. Sure, it’s easy to joke about how I’m just going for a pass, but I’ve never actually felt that I would fail anything. Until first year university. I feel like I had something good going on in high school: great friends, good reputation, good standing with my teachers, super involved. And now I’m here and it’s like the rug has been ripped right out from under me.
I’m here in a place where I have no reputation, where I start fresh. And isn’t that a good thing?
Right now? No. Because no one knows that despite the horrid grades I’m getting, I actually do understand material, I’m just not good at tests. Never was. And so people usually think I’m stupid. And it’s a blow to my ego… And patience (which I already have little of) when people explain things to me thinking I can’t understand simple english.
Later on in the year (aka when I’m not feeling so pessimistic about EVERYTHING?) Yeah. It’ll be good. It’ll be nice to finally have my own self-earned rep. In high school I earned a reputation of being “smart” because my older sister was a super genius and my high school is small and we look the same. Naturally people assumed we had the same brain. (WE DEFINITELY DO NOT). So being in university where no one knows who my sister is or what grades I got, it’s a change.
I’m blogging about this because it’s literally all I keep thinking about. I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE. What the heck am I going to do for the rest of my life? Being a student is all I know. What the heck will happen to me.
YOU GUYS I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON WITH ME. All I wanna do is lay on my couch and watch TV for the rest of my life. …Which is super sad. And would get boring after 2 days. But that’s what I feel like doing.
OKAY OKAY. Positive ending because I don’t want to be a total downer…
It’ll get better. And I know it will. No matter how or when it WILL get better. And if any of you are feeling the same way I am, then you are not alone (and neither am I, yay!) and I swear it’ll get better.
Positivity here I come! … (after the midterms maybe.)
This post was way longer then I thought it’d be. Sorry if I bored you with my somewhat depressing musings.
I want out of this funk asap.
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KIM! Here, have a virtual hug to make you feel better *hug*
You’ll get through this alive! Yes, you will!
As for distinguishing yourself at school, I think you already have. You’re part of Blog Squad, aren’t you? And CSP! 😀 That’s much more than the average student can say already. YOU ARE A SMART COOKIE.
🙂
I know it’s really scary, but lots of people change their minds tons of times before figuring out what’s right for them. A good friend of mine decided this summer that academia isn’t the thing for her, so now she’s going to a college for a nursing program. And that’s okay! A few of my other friends are looking into changing programs (in their third years). There’s no standard for when you have to graduate, or from where. I used to tend to worry about the future a lot too, but this is my strategy: take a deep breath. Just think about today: what about today was good? After all, you don’t live in the future, you live right now 🙂 Keep your chin up!
There’s a bunch of resources on campus that may help you. For instance, SPAC (Science Peer Academic Coaches) are offering a bunch of workshops next week to help students prepare for finals (see http://www.spac.science.ubc.ca).
I honestly think everyone I’ve talked to here has gone through the same exact thing. It is soooo normal to feel the way you’re feeling, Kim. Truthfully. When I feel like that I try to put things into perspective, and you could try the same. I mean this is a new university filled with 49.999 people that I have never met before. My old friends aren’t here. My family isn’t here. I’m attending one of the best ranked universities in the world so the standard is crazy high. I have to go on an epic trek everyday just to get to class. Oh and also, I’m young and not really sure on what I’m doing. No way can you expect yourself to feel 100% awesome straight away! That’s what life is all about. Getting through the confusion and darkness to hopefully get to that light at the end of the tunnel (not the light that you see when you die, try to avoid that light).
Dont be so hard on yourself, it’s okay to feel how you feel. Let it take it’s time.
ps. If you’re having a TV marathon that involves modern family, friends, new girl or the office please invite me. I have tea and chocolate covered raisins (just putting that out there).
Wow, I’m in first year and feeling almost exactly the same way right now. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one; thank you for posting about it.
Thank you Courtney, Sam, Tyler and Ava for the support! I really do appreciate it!!! The whole idea that what I’m doing now is what is supposed to be setting me up for the rest of my life scares me the most. But I’m glad I have support like you guys! THANK YOU, YOUR COMMENTS DEFINITELY CHEERED ME UP.
And Jacqueline, I’m glad I’m not alone in it either! Let’s do our best!!