Or Stranded Without a Map?

Having a couple weeks off seems like the perfect time to reflect on the chaotic, jam-packed four months I’ve emerged from. 

Already my mind is leaping ahead, worrying about what to do for the break and New Years and Reading Week and next summer and next year, worrying about all the little details out of my control.  I can’t seem to find that switch to live in the actual moment. Since last December, I had been agonizing over where I would go for school. Now that the first semester is completed, I’m already apprehensive about the future, instead of soaking it all in. But it’s important to take an honest moment to reflect on the highs and the lows, in hopes of finding some focus and perspective going into the upcoming semester.

This semester was the stereotypical rollercoaster ride of emotions, but thankfully no barf bag was necessary. One of my main motivations for moving away from school was to push myself out of my comfort zone by trying new things and meeting new people.  I think I accomplished that through joining clubs and committees and not being afraid to take chances. However having to walk into a room full of nameless people again and again became emotionally draining on some days.  Other days I was so invigorated by the diverse, inspiring people I met, even if only through a one time conversation. They say that you make your best friends in university, but what ‘they’ neglect to mention is that there are going to be some lonely nights, awkward encounters, and instances of standing at the front of a lecture hall, praying for a familiar face in the crowd. Some days, I wished that university would come with a road map, accompanied by step by step directions on how to make friends, introduce yourself to people and be naturally charming.  Unfortunately, that was omitted in the orientation package.

If I’m being totally honest, this semester took a bit of a tole on my body.  Thankfully no freshman fifteen was gained (despite all the vegan brownies consumed), but I definitely neglected my training, which led to injury. Doing a half marathon on minimal sleep, relaxed training and sub-par nutrition was probably not my brightest idea, but no regrets as that was one of my favourite birthday weekends yet. There were probably a few too many late nights followed by early mornings to fit in a workout, too many servings of trail mix (which was really more chocolate covered pretzels than nuts), and a little too much coffee.  This semester was all about testing my limits and learning from them, and I think I’m starting to figure out what works for me.  Without pushing myself, I would never know just how far I could go. I still feel like I’m searching for my edge; trying to find a balance between enjoying my training and finding new goals, but still maintaining structure to prevent injury.

Academically, I realize I had it pretty lucky compared to some of my friends who were taking full course loads (shoutout to IB English for the credits). Nonetheless, there was still the sting of getting that first lacklustre midterm back.  One advantage to not knowing a ton of people in your classes is the absence of the constant marks comparison that was present in high school. This let me focus on what I needed in order to do my best in each course. But now at the end of the semester I’m left feeling a teensy bit lost. I’ve realized that I no longer know for certain that I want to be a dietitian.  Surrounded by all these people doing crazy things to actually change the world, it’s evident that there is definitely bigger problems that I hope I can help solve. Maybe it’s all a part of figuring out where I want to go and who I want to be, but at the beginning of this new year I can’t help but feel like I’m left with more questions then answers. It’s as if I’m treading water. I keep doing these things to stay busy but I’m not certain it brings me any closer to my destination.  I feel trapped in indecision (my least favourite place), questioning my degree choice, but not really sure of any alternative.  In the most beautiful campus in Canada, I’m still adrift in my own thoughts.

But I guess this could be taken as a positive or a negative.  Without uncertainty, there’s no growth right? And I guess I have to get lost in order to find myself. One thing is for certain, leaving was the right choice.  Although I miss my family and friends, I know that I would’ve stayed in my own little bubble at U of A.  When university started , I was under the assumption that my path would be linear: I would do extra curriculars, keep my grades up, intern, and if it all goes according to plan, get accepted into the dietetics program next year.  Now, I’m not so convinced.  I’ve realized there’s so much more to life than the end goal.  There’s the connections you make in between that will carry you through the rest of your life, not just your degree.  So even if I feel like I’m stranded without a map (knowing my problems with directions, it would be useless anyways), I have to remember how lucky I am to have this opportunity to discover what I really want to do. It won’t come easy, but I know that even if I’m lost, at least I’m lost in the right direction.