Traveling home one time I was reminded of how difficult it can be to be assertive with a stranger.   How hard it can be to tell someone, with whom you have no relationship and little negative repercussions, to put the armrest down.

 It’s a personal thing on airplanes.  Some would prefer to travel with the armrest up and some would prefer to travel with the armrest down.  (I would liken this to those who like to sleep at night with the blind drawn or not).  This dude clearly wanted the armrest up.  I wanted the armrest down.  He was there first, hence my conundrum.

This reminded me of roommates in Walter Gage.  I’m certain that there is some little thing that annoys you or bothers you or disturbs you.  The difference is that there is more on the line with your roommate.  Unlike the guy on the plane, you’ll see them tomorrow and you have a relationship with them.  So you have to act more tactfully.

 What to do? I had some time to ponder my thoughts on the flight and came up with some options.

Option A:

Avoid the situation and simply put up with it.

While this was a possible solution, I was never going to be happy or satisfied with the outcome.  The reality is that he likely wouldn’t have minded if I asked about the armrest.    He probably didn’t know I cared so much.

Similarly, with your roommate you could just cope with the annoyance.  However, you may never be satisfied with the outcome.

 Option B:

Hope for the best.  Maybe, he would go to the toilet and I could coyly move the armrest down.  And maybe, you will wake up one day and your roommate will change.  (It possible however, the dude didn’t go to the toilet so I was stuck.)  It would have been weird when he came back because I hadn’t said anything.  I couldn’t presume he would READ MY MIND when he got back and he may be cross with me.  Again, your roommate would likely hope that you just stated what the issue was and what you expected so you could work it out.  You are gambling when you hope that your roommate will interpret your actions (i.e. slamming the door or giving them dirty looks) and suddenly change.

Option C:

Move the armrest and look polite while doing it.  I would equate this with looking a gorilla in the eye.  This is pretty aggressive, while it generally results in you getting your way it doesn’t help with any long-term solutions.  This could have been a strong option for my plane ride and the guy I didn’t know.  However, you will continue to live with your roommate and this is not the best option, especially if mixed with frustration.

Option D:

Just ask if it’s OK to move the armrest down.  Definite possibility but, it was getting late in the flight and I hadn’t said anything yet.  Clearly, the ideal time to do something was at the start but I just wanted the armrest down.   I’m sure that you are also wishing you would have said something earlier.   There is a way of bringing things up where the other party doesn’t feel attacked.  Allow me to provide you some examples:

“I’m going to move the armrest down.  Is that cool?” compared to… “Dude, you are in my personal space, I’m moving the armrest”

It was difficult to ask the guy about the armrest, I didn’t do it.  (I spent 1.5 hours pondering what to do and reading the in-flight magazine).  I’m sure that he would have moved it had I asked or done something.  Mostly, I psyched myself out of it.   Truly, that is the biggest hurdle to overcome.

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