“Oscar the Emasculated Troll”

A friendly, big and warm-hearted fuzzy creature lived amongst the woods. He had very bold features with one big watery eye, a big nose, and a big friendly smile. He was very large in size, with a stumpy block-like body and stumpy wide hairy feet. Sometimes you may find his pants on his short arms and his shirt on his feet. He was oftentimes clumsy to say the least. He was nothing from a typical troll, and his name was Oscar.

In a far away forest laid a town name Leonid, and northern to that was a little stream where the townsmen were forbidden to go. Beside that little stream was where Oscar called home. His home was a little cave Oscar had built himself. He made it by how his grandpa had taught him; it was a very sturdy home. Oscar even made a mat on his doorsteps that said “Welcome, Please Knock”, hoping one day he would have company. For lunch and dinner he would run to the little stream and try to catch fishes, and then he’d set up a fire and cook it.

In the little town of Leonid, lived a little girl named Anna. She was very curious, and often times too curious for her own good. One night, the children were gathered around the fireplace where Grandma Alemo spookingly spoke “when dawn drops, Oscar comes out to town while you are all sleeping, and looks for the children who isn’t sleeping and…” All the children were spooked and frightened, except for Anna. “and eats them!” This intrigued Anna. Anna put her little cape on, got in her little red shoes, grabbed the basket in disguise, and off she went.

Oscar heard a little girl’s voice one sunny afternoon. Oscar slowly got out of his wooden chair where he was initially sun bathing, and jumped up right away to grab his wooden stick and ran towards his home. Oscar laid flat on his back, very still and silent as he hid behind in the corner in the dark. As Oscar was running away, Anna from afar saw the trolls escape. Anna followed and found a little cave with a “Welcome, Please Knock” mat. Unfortunately, there was no door to the cave but being polite she knocked then walked in. As she entered, she walked into the troll head on without knowing because he was so big in size. Oscar having never had company was a little frightened, shocked, but felt a little warmth inside of him. Because of the big fall, Anna felt a little light headed and decided to take a nap. She found a big fuzzy surface and jumped on top. Little did she know, Anna took a nap right on the troll’s belly. Oscar knowingly, stayed very still to not disrupt the little girl.

As dawn started to fall, the townsmen were sent out to look for Anna. They walked past the talking trees and followed her small footsteps and tracked her tracks. As the townsmen were tracking the tracks it lead them to the Oscar’s home. When they approached it, they noticed it was the home of the folktale troll’s home they heard growing up. Frightened, one man led the others and entered the home. As they entered, they saw the a little girl sleeping on the troll. One townsman grabbed little Anna, and together ran all they way back to Leonid.

This was the only glimpse of warmth Oscar got in his lifetime. For the rest of time, Oscar lived a lonely life by himself next to the stream. He was never bothered nor made any trouble. That was the last time Oscar seen little Anna. Anna knew from then on, the tales of Oscar the One-Eyed Scary Troll, were false but she was forbidden to go back and was kept an watchful eye. Anna hoped one day she would be able to go back near the stream, to meet Oscar again.

—MT

“Tommi the Troll”

He didn’t want to go to school. But as usual, he couldn’t tell his mother why. It would hurt her too much. He dreaded the walk into town, the winding pathway that brought him closer and closer to the site of his daily humiliation. The children there could be so unkind. He wondered if all parents forgot memories of their own childhood. Perhaps that was why they sent their offspring off to school, oblivious to their fate. Like cows for the slaughter. But not everyone was like him, and maybe not every parent remembered the cruelties that came hand in hand with primary school. Not everyone was stared at on the walk to school, or instantly disliked. Not everyone was teased and laughed at for how they looked. Not everyone was twice as tall as his or her classmates, and not everyone had lots more hair than a human eight year-old should have. No one was as ugly as Tommi. His mother told him time and time again, that he wasn’t ugly, he was just a little bit different and that was what made him special. But the children at school said otherwise. He was her special boy, and she had waited for him for a long, long time. She told him, that sometimes people were slow to see good qualities in others, especially those who were a little bit different from them.

“Have a good day my lovely boy.” His mother said giving him a hug. “Do you have your packed lunch?” Tommi nodded, and instinctively patted his little rucksack. Every morning, his mom made him a quail egg sandwich with berry leaves. It was Tommi’s favorite. And everyday Tommi sat alone at lunchtime. He tried to keep out of sight, sitting on a rock under a tall oak tree in the corner of the playground. But his height and broad shoulders made it very difficult to hide. His classmates would stand a short distance away and taunt him. One boy with blond curly hair was their leader and he would hurl remarks that brought howls of laughter from the crowd. To Tommi, they sounded like a pack of loud and hungry wolves. Later that same day, while Tommi sat alone in the shade as usual, the blond boy yelled out, “How’s your baby sandwich, you filthy troll! Did you roast the baby or barbeque it this time!?” The boy’s words and the children’s vicious grins would cut Tommi like knifes. Tommi didn’t eat human babies. He didn’t know why people thought that. He wanted to be human more than anything else in the world. His mother was a kind human lady, with no children of her own, who had found Tommi as a baby, alone and abandoned in the woodlands behind her house. She had raised him as her son and named him after her late husband, who had been well liked and highly respected in town. Not that it mattered to the children in their treatment of Tommi, or their parents who stared at him as he walked to school.

Just then the bell rang, and the crowd of children dispersed as the boys and girls ran back towards the school building. As usual, Tommi waited until the rest of the children were a little bit ahead, before he got up from his rock. The boy with the blond curly hair was running ahead of the pack. He was sprinting, trying to make it to the heavy wooden doors first. Tommi could see what was about to happen. Tommi watched the blond boy gleefully look over his shoulder, to take pleasure in his lead ahead of everybody else. Tommi saw the little bunch of weeds in the grass that the blond boy was running straight towards without watching where he was going, and because of his great speed, their was no time to warn the boy or for him to change direction. The blond boy tripped on the weeds and went sailing through the air, landing with a loud thud. His leg was splayed out at a funny angle and the boy started to wail. Hot tears flooded down his angelic face that was twisted into a look of sheer agony. All the other children stopped, unsure of what to do. No one moved forward to try and help him. At that moment, Tommi bolted across the grassy playground, three times faster than the little blond boy. None of the children had ever seen him run, because he moved slowly to avoid bringing attention to himself. In truth, he was much quicker than any human child, and was at the injured boy’s side in a matter of seconds. The blond boy looked up at Tommi who knelt over the injured child. The boy’s look of agony was replaced with a look of sheer terror and he covered his face with his arms in a pitiful effort to shield himself from the troll child that towered over him. Tommi rested his hands on the boy’s injured leg, and in seconds it shifted back into a more natural position. The blond boy looked up at Tommi in disbelief, who using the rumored magic of the trolls had healed his tormentor’s leg.

From that day forward, Tommi never dreaded walking to school. His walk down the winding path was met with smiles from the townspeople, whose children included him in every schoolyard gathering. And despite his naturally quick speed, Tommi often let the other children win the games they played together.

—Julie O’Connell

“Fergus Forest Troll”

The tale of Fergus forest troll, is a fearsome one. A mere mention of his name has rendered even the most brave and bold into cowards and fools.

A vicious, heartless creature is Fergus forest troll. With great sharp teeth, beastly eyes and gnarled limbs adorned in tangled thorns. A great many men, sheep, women, goats, babies, cows and perfectly good rose bushes have fallen victim to the wretched wrongs of Fergus forest troll. Though none have spied him for generations, his tale still haunts the villages near the Great forest.

A young girl, Flora, once lived in a village to the east of the Great forest. Tales of Fergus forest troll, hung around the schoolyard as they had for years and years. But none were so brave enough to explore beyond the village wall to sneak a glimpse of the mangled, malicious, dark and deadly Fergus. To Flora, fearsome Fergus was fiction, a fraud, and nothing to halt a fair flower picking over. So, one Tuesday mid-morning, Flora ventured through the village fields, over the village wall, and into the Great forest.

It was just as she was picking precious pink peonies that she spied, just beyond a small stream, a quaint creature, a dumpling of sorts, with squat legs and the floppiest of ears atop terribly pinch-able cheeks. She failed to see him before, what with his mossy coat sprouting dainty buds of dandelions and his marbled grey stone skin. A suitable amount of pleasantries and delightful, yet slightly awkward small talk was exchanged before at last the tiny troll introduced himself as Fergus XIV, the youngest Fergus in the Fjergusson clan. Flora did not wish to be rude, however, she politely proposed that he positively could not be the Fergus forest troll, of the hateful and horrid Fergus forest troll tales.

Alas, he was not, that terrible title belonged to his great grandfather, a rancid reputation which Fergus relentlessly rejects. The fearsome family of Fjergusson had long passed, leaving Fergus to his lonesome, quiet hobbies of stone skipping, flower foraging and wood whittling. Centuries of solo soul searching had made Fergus Fjergusson quite the crafty troll.

Following a lovely lunch of fresh figs and lily leaves, Flora fondly bid farewell to friendly Fergus forest troll and fervently set off on a mission to free Fergus from the sordid slew of rotten rumours.

As years and years passed, Flora, having putting an end to the petty, pernicious tales of “fearsome Fergus”, was now making considerable efforts in the tracing and rehabilitation of abandoned, forlorn and dejected forest trolls.

Whilst Fergus forest troll received tremendous tribute for his debut artistic exhibition: “Forest forms: A sculpted series of winter whittling.”

—Kristian Martin

“For the Love of Cookies”

In the isolated green mountains of British Columbia, lived a single peculiar looking creature called the troll. This creature had the uncanny ability to morph into whatever shape it pleases. Most often, he took the form of a boulder, with crevices for eyes and a bed of green moss for his hair. This troll is a playful creature, who fancied humorous trickery and jests from time to time.

One day, the troll was approached, in his boulder form, by a rock climber seeking a new route to explore. The troll had not encountered a human being before this, much less one clad in climbing gear. He eyed the climber, alarmed at the white cap on his head and the length of rope thrown around his shoulder. While the climber scanned his surroundings for a suitable route, the troll morphed into squirrel, to better examine this curious being. The troll proceeded to follow the climber the entire day, and was eventually noticed and fed some chocolate chip cookies. Having tasted cookies for the first time, the troll became smitten with these heavenly snacks.

It was because of these cookies that the troll followed the climber home in the form of a squirrel, riding on the roof of the climber’s shiny moving rock with the wind in his fur. The car entered the city and the troll was awed by the reflective rocks that stood higher than his favorite oak tree, the number of shiny moving rocks in organized lines, and most of all, the noise emitted from these human beings. The humans, on the other hand, were dumbstruck at the sight of a large grey squirrel clinging on to the roof of a Jeep. The climber eventually arrived at his house in the suburbs, where the troll shakily climbed down and collapsed in exhaustion.

For the next few days, the troll took the form of a branch on the maple tree of the climber’s home, staring through the windows. The troll by now has recognized the daily routines of breakfast, work, lunch, work, dinner, and shower. The troll was always excited when the climber ate. The troll would press his eye, in this case, a maple leaf, against the glass window for a glimpse of the daily menu. It was a month later that the troll was finally overcome by his lust for cookies, and decided to morph into a golden retriever.

The golden retriever puppy was happily received by the climber. The troll was thus taken into the climber’s home, and made a pet. Of this the troll didn’t mind, so long as he was receiving cookies for being a “good boy”. Yet, as a year passed, the troll found his craving for cookies to be unfulfilled, and decided to take his passion to the next step. The troll decided to take human form in the daytime, morphing into a park boulder at night. He began with a jobs at different bakeries, where he was repeatedly fired for eating too many cookies during break. Finally, the troll accumulated enough money to begin his own cookie shop, which he named “Uncle Troll’s biscuits”. It is there that the troll lived for the next 100 years, perfecting his chocolate chip cookie recipe and living in utter trollish bliss for the rest of his life.

—Angel Huang

“‘T’ for ‘Tea'”

If one wanted to find a Spiddyock, and there were many reasons for such an inquiry, a great deal of searching was in order and it was likely to be an ordeal.

The Spiddyocks are the modest type. Their homes, the same design as one may find in a common suburb, are not concentrated in a “ghetto” sort of way. They are spread out. Intentionally. Not of their own intention of course, but by the Bureau of Spiddyock Management. If they had it their own way, they would live together in a “ghetto” sort of way away from the entire human population. But they would never tell you that, of course.

I sat down for tea with a Spiddyock, once. Earl Grey of course, but there was no honey. At first it struck me as strange; Restricting oneself to one type of meat, be it American, Canadian or Manchurian, and cutting out all other animal products. But with this Spiddyock, that was a personal choice that I found almost entirely respectable.  So I took sugar.

It wasn’t difficult to find this one. He was quite open about his practices. His culinary reviews had begun to acquire a following amongst the older generation and upon my call, he insisted I come to him for our interview.

The Human census bureau controls the Spiddyock’s food stamps. If the Spiddyocks were in need, at any time, of an extra arm or leg, the census bureau accommodates their need and put their “Federal Food On the Go” services into action. However, Bureau of Population Management (BPM) handles the main food intake for the Spiddyocks.

“They do keep us bogged down with all their legislation, but what’s food is food and we can’t complain if we aint hungry.” The National Government keeps a heavy census tally on the Spiddyocks’ food intake, which is to be logged and officially certified after every meal, according to the BPM (who declined to answer questions for this interview.)

This fine Spiddyock allowed me the spectator’s seat as he prepared his breakfast. He usually preferred a European for breakfast as the Westerners tended to bog him down later in the day because of their high carb intake. His spice cabinet was extensive.

The kitchenware consisted of one large Martha Stewart cast-iron cauldron.

Unfortunately, I was unable to stay for the eating of Breakfast as the Spiddyock’s family was soon to arrive and family meetings tended to usually end in another meal, of which I wished not to be a part.

The Spiddyock’s part in society remains essential as overpopulation is a constant threat. They have absorbed themselves into our culture while continuing to practice their own specific rituals while not under watch of the human eye. It is not likely that one may find such an open and social Spiddyock as I was fortunate to stumble upon, yet if any of you readers out there are ever granted with the pleasure of meeting one, don’t wear too much perfume and keep a positive attitude and you may be invited for lunch.

—Noah Cohen