Tag Archives: unable

Untitled

Posted on by
Email, RSS Follow

There was once a vast green forest, which has since burnt to the ground, that was home to a prosperous group of Forest Trolls. Amongst these trolls, was a small girl troll named Hogie Bilby. Hogie was the youngest of the Bilby family and the only girl. She had 6 older brothers, Rainbie, Polbie, Blanbie, Rigsbie, Jansbie and Bluebie. All of whom played an instrument at the evening gathering.

Hogie loved music but whenever she tried to join her brothers they told her that troll girls could not play an instrument or sing, and that she should make them a feast, for they would be very hungry after playing music. Hogie made their feast, but spat and added dirt and dust from the floor to the food and watched in delight as her brothers scarfed it down after their music playing.

Eventually though, spitting in her brothers food became boring and unsatisfying. So, since her brothers would not allow her to play with them, Hogie would wait until her brothers were snoring and snarfing away in dreamland, then creep down to the music room to play with the instruments. Though she had never had a formal lesson, Hogie quickly learned to play every instrument she touched, because she had been born with a special gift that no one knew about. As she played, beautiful lyrics flowed from her mouth, with the sweetest tune ever heard. She was by far the best musician in all the forest, though no one knew it.

One night, at the evening gathering, Hogie’s brothers prepared to perform for the community. But when they opened their mouths to sing, nothing came out, and when they tried to play their instruments, their fingers stiffened and fumbled and they were unable to play a note! The other trolls began to be very angry and upset because they loved music and felt they were being gipped out of a good time. Hogie gathered her courage and stood in front of her troll friends and family, “I will play for you,” she said. The trolls began to snicker, for a troll girl had never before played at the evening gathering. But Hogie was strong and picked up a guitar and began to play the most beautiful song in the most beautiful voice the trolls had ever heard. All the trolls wept at how beautiful it was, and from that moment, troll girls were never kept from playing music again.

—Krista Marshall

“100 Years War”

Posted on by
Email, RSS Follow

Thousands of years ago, trolls and humans existed in harmony. Trolls claimed the mountains and forests that humans could not inhabit, and humans built villages and towns. Trolls were large, burly creatures 3 times the height of humans, and were usually strong and hairy. However, they could not withstand direct sunlight, which would turn them to stone. The trolls helped humans fell trees and gather metals to build all the houses of the village; the humans made delicious feasts and clothing for the trolls. For hundreds of years they existed in peace, offering each other their expertise and skills.

In the village of Barham, by the dense Askam forest, lived a young and impetuous man named Erik. He always pointed out other people’s faults without consideration of their feelings, earning dislike from many of the villagers. Now in the minds of the trolls and humans, they thought the other to be very ugly. The trolls thought humans were sickeningly pale, with blindingly white teeth, and that they were all so stick thin and tiny. The humans thought trolls were smelly, overly hairy, with abnormally big bellies, dirty nails and lack of hair on them. One day when Erik was strolling along the forest he encountered one of the ugliest trolls, Gunnar. Unable to hold back, he spoke at great lengths about how ugly and revolting he was. Gunnar was so livid, he grabbed Erik and tossed him into his mouth. At that moment, he realized how delicious human flesh was, and it was unlike anything he had ever tasted. For days and nights Gunnar thought about this unforgettable flavor, until one night he could no longer resist the urge to sneak into town. Slowly peering into the village, he waited until he saw one man walking home. Quietly he rushed toward the man and gobbled him up before the man could even protest, then ran back to the forests feeling sated.

For the next few weeks people continued disappearing mysteriously, and the humans became more and more suspicious of the trolls. Finally, one night there was a witness who saw Gunnar gobbling up their little child, who ran out of the house when his mother was unaware. She quickly told all the townspeople and they gathered to destroy the trolls. The villagers burned the forests and rolled boulders down the mountains, burning and crushing many trolls. The trolls were very angry and began to attack humans, but since sunrise was approaching, the trolls fled to a farther area away from the villagers and vowed to take revenge.

Word spread quickly about this battle and soon humans were gathering to destroy the trolls living around them knowing they craved human flesh, while trolls wanted to eat humans after learning about this new delicious taste. Thus began the 100 year war between trolls and humans. Soon the two races distanced from each other and viewed the other as enemies rather than allies.

—Chocolate Trolls

“‘T’ for ‘Tea'”

Posted on by
Email, RSS Follow

If one wanted to find a Spiddyock, and there were many reasons for such an inquiry, a great deal of searching was in order and it was likely to be an ordeal.

The Spiddyocks are the modest type. Their homes, the same design as one may find in a common suburb, are not concentrated in a “ghetto” sort of way. They are spread out. Intentionally. Not of their own intention of course, but by the Bureau of Spiddyock Management. If they had it their own way, they would live together in a “ghetto” sort of way away from the entire human population. But they would never tell you that, of course.

I sat down for tea with a Spiddyock, once. Earl Grey of course, but there was no honey. At first it struck me as strange; Restricting oneself to one type of meat, be it American, Canadian or Manchurian, and cutting out all other animal products. But with this Spiddyock, that was a personal choice that I found almost entirely respectable.  So I took sugar.

It wasn’t difficult to find this one. He was quite open about his practices. His culinary reviews had begun to acquire a following amongst the older generation and upon my call, he insisted I come to him for our interview.

The Human census bureau controls the Spiddyock’s food stamps. If the Spiddyocks were in need, at any time, of an extra arm or leg, the census bureau accommodates their need and put their “Federal Food On the Go” services into action. However, Bureau of Population Management (BPM) handles the main food intake for the Spiddyocks.

“They do keep us bogged down with all their legislation, but what’s food is food and we can’t complain if we aint hungry.” The National Government keeps a heavy census tally on the Spiddyocks’ food intake, which is to be logged and officially certified after every meal, according to the BPM (who declined to answer questions for this interview.)

This fine Spiddyock allowed me the spectator’s seat as he prepared his breakfast. He usually preferred a European for breakfast as the Westerners tended to bog him down later in the day because of their high carb intake. His spice cabinet was extensive.

The kitchenware consisted of one large Martha Stewart cast-iron cauldron.

Unfortunately, I was unable to stay for the eating of Breakfast as the Spiddyock’s family was soon to arrive and family meetings tended to usually end in another meal, of which I wished not to be a part.

The Spiddyock’s part in society remains essential as overpopulation is a constant threat. They have absorbed themselves into our culture while continuing to practice their own specific rituals while not under watch of the human eye. It is not likely that one may find such an open and social Spiddyock as I was fortunate to stumble upon, yet if any of you readers out there are ever granted with the pleasure of meeting one, don’t wear too much perfume and keep a positive attitude and you may be invited for lunch.

—Noah Cohen