Author Archives: taylorloren

About taylorloren

exposing the down & dirty of UBC politics.

Land Use, Shmand Use.

So, the Land Use Plan (LUP) Consultation that’s currently happening is boring as shit. If you’re into that kind of hackery, UBC Insiders recently published three articles about the LUP and Gage South. Now, dear readership, it took a lot for me to get to the point where I cared about this. Really, what does the LUP have to do with me? Yesterday I went to the consultation, and wasn’t taken seriously as a student, and it pissed me off. Students comprise of around 8000 students living on campus, whereas there are only around 6000 UNA residents (those people who live in those condos on campus).

UBC Campus & Community Planning is looking to increase population on campus from these 6000 to between 25,000-35,000 residents. Combine this with their previous commitment to double student housing on campus, and we’re looking at a campus with up to 51,000 residents for at least eight months of the year. This is more than triple the amount of people currently living on campus, and don’t forget about the other 29,000 commuter students lingering around campus from dawn ’til dusk.

This affects you, and you need to speak up as a student…because not enough are.

Why should you give a fuck? In short, because UBC Campus and Community Planning is planning to build condos where the current bus loop is. You know, right by MacInnes Field where all the concerts are held, right by the SRC, SUB, new SUB, Aquatic Centre…the heart of campus. But really, why should you care? Because UBC C&CP aren’t opening this up for discussion and it’s not on their “priority” list. They said we can discuss this later, but no one has discussed the “old” plan until now…13 years later. By the time they get around to “consulting” about Gage South, there may be nowhere left on campus to transfer the density.

It’s really, really important that we are given the chance to talk about this NOW…because I’m assuming most of you don’t want old people living in our fun area of campus, complaining about noise, and wrecking all our fun.

So you should probably fill out their consultation form. However, it’s super boring.

The survey is divided into four sections, and all the questions are very leading and double-barrelled. However, don’t let them win. Here’s to making the LUP sexy (seriously, such an ugly acronym), drink up. Please do drink while you fill it out, right here, and speak now.

Under transferring housing density, don’t forget to bring up the issue of Gage South (where the condos will be) and how it is so not cool that they are not putting Gage South up for discussion, that it’s not academic land, and that you don’t think it’s cool to build market housing there – whether its faculty or not, it’s still old people in our party land.

Consultations close TOMORROW, October 15th. Fill it out here.

Fan Fiction: The AMS Ex-ecutives

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Back in January, a hacktastic fan submitted this fan fiction to our email account. At the time, we didn’t publish it for a variety of (rather obvious) reasons. However, after attaining the blessing of those who are the apparent subjects, we’ve decided to publish this…and let you be the judge.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED: ‘Creepy’ doesn’t even begin to cover it.

It was just after midnight, and another too-long AMS Council meeting had just finished. Elena was packing up her things. Miley Cyrus was playing quietly on her iPod to cheer her up. It had been a long night. The new SUB negotiations were not progressing, and everyone on council knew it. They had grilled her about her ability to meet deadlines and deliver the project. She felt her eyes well up. It was so easy for them to criticize, but they didn’t attend the meetings, they didn’t understand how intimidating bowties could be. How much did they really know about how difficult a project this was? It’s not easy to build a new SUB, or a better AMS. She let her hair down and gently bit her lip, trying to ease some of the tension in her body.

Jared, tired, was in his office cooling off. Things had gotten pretty heated that night, as council had spent two hours deciding how to deal with the tuition policy referendum. He was drained and demoralized, thinking back to the simpler days of just being a councilor, being one of the bosses. Having to take orders from this group of people, these impulsive, short-sighted, wannabe politicians made him disgusted. At Blenz, he had ruled with an iron fist. This is not what he had signed up for. Frustrated, he slammed his fist on his desk and let out a snarl.

Elena was startled back into the present upon hearing Jared’s cry from next door. She hesitated, wondering if anyone else was in the office. She didn’t think so, everyone else had left right away once the meeting ended. It was just the two of them: former lovers, now co-workers. She had moved on quickly after their relationship ended, found someone new to latch onto. So what if some people thought she had moved too quickly? A good Sauder student would never pass up an opportunity that presented itself. She was happy, she thought to herself.

There was still no other noise from the hallway. With just the two of them around, she took a few steps down the hall to Jared’s office. “Is everything alright?” she asked, leaning in the doorway, her piercing brown eyes full of concern. Jared’s head was in his hands on his desk. His brown jacket sat rumpled on the floor. He slowly looked up to see Elena’s radiant face emerging from the darkness of the hallway.

Simply seeing her there sent a jolt up his spine. Even though they saw each other every day, he couldn’t help but notice her Russian beauty. He had been lonely since they separated, missing her more than he thought he would. Or maybe it was just the companionship of another person he missed most, a warm touch, a smile, a loving embrace. He thought of those nights they had spent together, snuggled on the couch together reading committee minutes, happy just being together.

“I’m fine,” he said, trying to hide his frustration. “Sorry about the noise. I was just a bit worked up. It’s been a rough day.”

“Jared,” Elena said, almost in a whisper. “Call me Kommander,” Jared said, “he got more respect than I ever will.” He let out a small sigh and put his head back down.

She took a few steps into his office and gently touched Jared’s back. “Jared, please be serious, those days are over now.” As she said it, she couldn’t help thinking about the past, recalling how when they used to kiss his short beard would tickle her cheek. It was an undeniable sign of his male virility that her new flame could never hope to match. They had tried to go their own separate ways, damn the electorate that insisted on reuniting them with such large mandates!

Jared got up from his chair, and put his arms around her. They held each other tightly, taking their time, desperately craving the comfort of a warm embrace. Jared started to loosen his grip and back away, but Elena continued to hold him close. He looked down and smiled at her. Without knowing it, he started leaning in towards her. She looked up, and closed her eyes expectantly, waiting for the feel of his soft lips.

At that moment, Jared’s AMS-supplied Blackberry sprang to life—someone was tweeting. The moment was broken and the magic lost. Elena started blushing, quickly let go and without a word quietly retreated to her office next door. Jared was left awkwardly standing there, wondering about what had almost happened.

It was going to be a long year…

This Is Very Peculiar.

SCIENCE: We Want to See Your Peacock.

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With summer wrapping up, we’ve been playing the new Katy Perry album on repeat, trying to bask in the glory of our teenage dreams just a little bit longer. Besides lacking any cohesion to call it an “album,” the tracks are full of poptastic hits that will be fueling the Pit on Wednesday nights and flooding the Gallery with karaoke on Tuesdays for the year to come. Since we’re not a music blog, we’ll leave the witticisms of her amazing lyrics to the real experts.

In other news, all the deans of faculties at UBC have signed on for the Dean’s Debate, in which the epic battle of Arts vs. Science vs. HKin vs. Engineering vs. Sauder vs. Forestry vs. Whatever Other Faculties We Have is sure to commence. Except, the Dean of Science – the beloved Dr. Simon Peacock – is REFUSING TO PARTICIPATE. Luckily, Katy Perry wrote a song about it. We here at AMS Confidential urge all you science kids to grab a boombox and serenade your dean outside his window… and let Dr. Peacock know that taxation without representation is simply uncool.

In the style of Katy Perry, we lobby the Dean of Science:

ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO LET US SEE YOUR PEACOCK?

DON’T BE A CHICKEN BOY, STOP ACTING LIKE A BEEOTCH

WE WANNA SEE YOUR PEACOCK, COCK COCK

YOUR PEACOCK, COCK COCK

*another lyric in the song includes “and oh that rainbow looking treasure” … we approve.

Anime Convention Invades UBC, Pedobear Takes on the AMS

Firstweek Fantasies: More Rumours

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We made a lot of fuss about losing Block Party, but the merest rumours we’re hearing seem to indicate that Events Man Shea Dahl is on the ball for Welcome Back BBQ (free, Friday, Sept. 10, 2-8pm). The Totally Baseless Suggestion is that Celebrity DJ/Benihana Founder Offspring STEVE AOKI will be playing the Pit on/around the day (Sept. 12). We also hear GASLIGHT ANTHEM is headlining the BBQ, but refuse to believe in a band named after a drinking song commemorating the pre-gentrification population of Yaletown.

look! no photoshop required.

HST & AMS: Food Matters

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Hope you all had a fantastic Canada Day, and for our dear American friends, a festive Fourth of July as well. Something else happened on Canada Day, which is a little something we like to call the Hella Sexy Tax, or HST. Since this now applies to some things that it didn’t before, such as food, some prices rose. However, because the AMS is broke as hell and now paying their employees minimum wage, they increased prices above the HST. This makes sense in most cases, where they simply rounded the price up.

Big Insider Daddy himself, Neal Yonson, decided to deem this an Issue That Only Sorta Matters and contribute to Sparkles R Us.

Mmmmmmbzzzrrrrr…..

Even though the HST is actually 3% lower than the current tax on alcohol, prices are still going up ~7.5% at the Pit, Pendulum and Gallery. The cheapest regular-priced pitcher will run you $14.50. Thank god for Tuesdays at the Gallery…oh, Gallery, we miss you. Amazingly, this means the cheapest pitcher on campus will still be at Mahoney’s—you know, the bar not run by students. Why is Hatchet Lager so cheap? Can we buy super cheap kegs of it for parties? Why won’t Molson return any of Neal’s dozen emails on the subject?

Blue Chip Cookies

The price of coffee is going up about 10% on brewed coffee and 4% on barista drinks. If you don’t already bring your own mug, this is the perfect time to start. You’ll save 25 cents every single time, and they have a buy-10-get-1-free stamp card. Suggestion to the AMS: print the cards on pink next year, and make the stamp design a unicorn. The increased business will take care of the structural deficit in no time.

Blue Chip is the black sheep of AMS businesses because the listed prices don’t include tax. This results in things costing weird amounts that don’t necessarily end in 5 or 0. Which means pennies. And anyone who has ever handled cash will agree: pennies are the DEVIL.

Honour Roll

Having watched people move through the Honour Roll line, no one actually looks at any of the prices. Reporting that prices are going up 3.5% seems pointless. Telling you that Ben Cappellacci broke it down with VP Students himself, @bowtiebrian, seems much more important.

no photoshop required.

Pi R Squared, or The Pizza Place That’s Still Open When I’m Drunk

Apparently people got really up in arms when the price of a slice of pizza went up from $2.50 to $2.75. Now it’s time to get militant.

GG’s rant: So, you want me to pay $3 a slice now? Is that how we’re going to play this game? This is complete bullshit, and imma lay it all out for ya, yo.

5 years ago, I used to eat Pie R every freaking day. I couldn’t get enough of the stuff. A little while after that, I worked there, and saw the conditions the pizza was made in, and the cleanliness and working habits of the staff, and I still ate there. But the past year or two, you’ve disappointed me. Your bacon baked potato pizza? Still quite yummy, but not as good as years past. Why not? It’s all in the crust.

In the days of yonder, Pie R crust used to be hand rolled, with a nice spiral edge. Sometimes, it would come out as a giant monstrosity that would consume half the slice. Other times, it would be a crunchy delight. Now it’s just a machine that creates a unified, boring crust. If I wanted boring shit like that, I’d head next door to Pizza Pizza. From Pie R, I want pizza with character. You put ridiculous toppings on your pizza, and the crust should match.

$3 a slice? Maybe. Just step up your game, and I might switch back to eating your pies regularly. For now, it’s the Pendulum for me, because Kai heats up a friggin’ ahma~azzzing italian sausage lasagna. [Ed. note: I also assemble a mean sandwich.]

not only is this a fucking gif of a pendulum, its has a picture of FOUCAULT.

Pendulum is the best place to eat on campus. Period. Yes, we’re fucking biased—Kai works there [Ed. note: which does not necessarily mean I have positive reviews], Taylor eats there 5x a week, and Gossip Guy gets drunk there. However, despite their kickass tuna sandwiches, they only made something along the lines of ~$2000 profit last year. For the ENTIRE YEAR. Since the AMS is made up of blood-thirsty, greedy, proletariat-crushing capitalists (though the Pendulum itself is actually composed mostly of hippies—real hippies, not student activists), prices are going up, on average, 8%. Profits must be had! That quesadilla is too affordable!

On a more realistic note, a half-and-half combo from the deli case or a T-Bird Breakfast Awesomeness, which most of you cheap bastards were getting anyway, has only increased in price by 50 cents. Cheapest items on the menu = still affordable. CASE CLOSED.

Other AMS Food Outlets

Bernoulli’s Bagels – 4% increase. BRING BACK THE APPLE CINNAMON CREAM CHEESE! And while you’re at it, could we get a vegan spread that doesn’t taste like warmed-over ass?

Burger Bar – 4.5% increase. AMS employees should stop bitching at Nancy (the Food & Beverages Mgr) about the lack of “healthier” choices when they spend all their meal vouchers at the Burger Bar. We have no idea how Elin Tayyar is so slim while eating there every day. (Bath of virgin blood?)

Outdoor BBQ – 5% increase. Just continuing the trend of charging more than the Burger Bar for the same burgers. But smokier, and they don’t give you weird looks when you ask for, let us say, double bacon, double cheese, double patty…

The Moon – 4% increase. Has anyone ever successfully eaten a complete Combo C in one sitting? [Ed. note: I didn’t even know this existed.] On a more relevant note, if the Moon doesn’t use MSG, why are there bags of it available in AMS Stores?!?

To combat the Hella Sexy Tax, you’ll be getting a HST rebate cheque, like your GST rebate cheques. However, the AMS is also issuing coupons for all the AMS food outlets in this year’s edition of the AMS Insider. So when they inevitably have boxes and boxes of them leftover, you can harvest them for extra coupons. Scavenging!

Don’t Remember Block Party? Too Bad!

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Unfortunately, you probably won’t get a chance to remember the next one.

We’re taking our gossip rag and running with it, as this has yet to be confirmed by any of the AMS Exec. But we have eyes, and suck at math.

Update: Elin Tayyar says “block party is not dead” via Facebook chat. Stay tuned to the wonderful wizardings of student politics…

Update 2: We seem to be pissing a lot of people off (see comments). Good. President Bijan sent out an email stating that “AMS still plans to support an end-of-year event that is robust and appealing to students” under a new financial model. We get that- they LOST around $100,000 last year which sucks balls.

So, there will still be some form of end-of-year bash. However, the way its funded (previously AMS, now constituencies will be bidding), the organization behind it (not AMS Events, more involvement from constituencies), and its name (maybe) are changing.

All in all, we stand by our reporting of this rumour – which, depending on who you talk to, is very true. We’re looking forward to council on Wednesday, and will continue to report the scandal. We are, after all, AMS Confidential- exposing the down & dirty of AMS Politics.

In looking over the proposed AMS Budget 2010-11, there is a shocking $0 allotted for Block Party, as opposed to the $38,000 they spent to bring us (along with the AUS) Barenaked Ladies, Hey Ocean, and All Access passes with free bzzr.Oh wait, you’re not all hacks. So the rest of you got to party your face off in the rain and drink bzzr.

Some of our secret, yet sexy, sources say that certain execs plan on doing this to pass some fucking referendum. You know, the referendum that will link student fees to the CPPIIPCIPCICIwhatever (aka inflation). Vote Yes, Get Block Party.

For now, we caution the AMS with this:

Don’t toy with an apathetic student’s heart…they don’t love Block Party enough to actually vote when you’re asking for more money (even though it makes sense) and taking away a party. Aren’t you supposed to be Fighting the War on Fun?

News for N00bs, Summer Edition!

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Holy shit! After a news dry spell so long we had to start reviewing a Sauder mascot competition, UBC and the Province decided to announce everything on one day. Thank you, board meeting and day-before-the-Premier’s-campaign-fundraiser. Here’s a simple take on what’s going on (with files from Neal Yonson).

Oh, and the Ubyssey debuted a new article cleverly entitled The Scoop, a UBC Media roundtable. In which no conflicts of interest occurred, and we pretended to be legitimate and suffered through a lack of sparkles.

Five More Years with the Hottest DILF Around

The Sexy President and Vice-Chancellor Himself, Stephen J. Toope, got renewed for five more years (in addition to agreeing to sing a duet with Bijan at UBC’s Got Talent). That’s pretty simple, even a n00b can understand. “His second term as President will be driven by the University’s new strategic plan, Place and Promise, that was created under his stewardship.” What we still can’t understand, however, is what the fuck FROM HERE means.

UBC-O Gets Bigger, Still Not Hard Enough

UBC-O bought some land and doubled the size of their campus. What is to be done with this land, however, is “limited only by vision and imagination.” Oh, and they’re protecting some pond.

“UBC Life,” Death and Rebirth

“UBC Life”, a UBC-themed online message board, launched this week and then promptly disappeared when it became clear that the site’s owners had misrepresented themselves. Their fate was sealed by repeatedly attempting to convince people that the site was sponsored by UBC—kind of like how Serena’s dad tried to fake Lily’s cancer on Gossip Girl. Were they hoping UBC would back them once the site took off? Oh, foolish mortals.

Some tips for next time someone wants to impersonate UBC online: don’t register the domain name to the Vanier Front Desk, or use the UBC Crest. Definitely don’t send out a fake UBC Broadcast Email, making people paranoid about how you got so many email addresses (and definitely—definitely—don’t follow that up by mocking people who believed, if only briefly, that it was real). Finally, when the university goes out of its way to say they have nothing to do with you, don’t say you are “university-supported.” A few faculty members does not a university make.

Gorgeous sources at the OLT (that’s Office of Learning Technology—techies in the basement of IKB) say they’re looking into implementing BuddyPress on UBC Blogs with no timeline at the moment. The BuddyPress website says it’s great for building university social networks, so we’ll see if all our internet wet dreams come true. Otherwise, we’re just left with nightmares about bulletin boards. Because the idea of a UBC message board? kind of outdated—as evidenced by the fact that most of the posts on UBC Life came from within the already-formed BlogSquad/Rezlife scene. And, as opponents of the current power structure would be the first to say, the way to get more people involved with university life is /not/ to market it to the same old keeners.

But a social network for UBC students? Um, is there an appropriate way to typeset “moan of arousal”? (Even if all we’ll get is probably just another Vista.)

Girl Up the U-Pass, Already

Fuck, we wish. Seriously, why hasn’t it been pink—you thought brown was a better choice? We think it’s high time that Translink stop discriminating against “girl” colours and embrace the magenta. After all, what better way to overcome centuries [okay, like 1.5 of them] of social construction than by forcing all those neanderthals to proudly display their Big Pink Identity Cards? Man up and accept that magenta is awesome, or pay for your own damn bus pass. Considering all post-secondary students will now be getting a U-Pass—and that the gender gap at the university level has already tipped to a solid female majority—it’s time to paint Vancouver pink. Lisa Frank stickers optional.

Board of Governors Still Not As Awesome as Schwarzenegger

For all the super duper hacky hacks out there: Brad Bennett, the Chair of UBC’s Board of Governors, has stepped down. This means both a new board chair and a new board member…FRESH BLOOD!! Bill Levine is the new chair and Virginia Greene (in the kitchen with the lead pipe) will be the new member of the board. A UBC anthropology alumna, she’s done a bunch of cool stuff.

Without Further Ado, the Sauder Shit You’ve Been Waiting For:

Mascot Madness is finished, and coming in first place with a staggering 76 votes (beating “none of the above” by 23 votes) is our dear Japanese lioness, Okima. The most interesting thing to note is this little disclaimer under the results:

(Note: All designs will proceed for review by the CUS Board of Directors to determine the best representation of the undergraduate society. As well, multiple production companies will be approached for concept drawings to help in this process. Final mascot may not be exactly as voted on.)

A little bird bee-comm told us that there’s no way Sauder is going to spend any more money on this shit. Oh, and they analyzed the results too. We’d personally love to see that Board of Directors meeting, in which they DEBATE A JAPANESE LION WITH A TIE WHO LOOKS LIKE PEDO BEAR. Don’t believe us? Allow us to introduce you to some copy & paste magic from here:

Province Announces a Unicorn U-Pass!

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In a flurry of activity on Twitter, BC Premier Gordon Campbell announced that all Metro Vancouver post-secondary students (except those private school kids at TWU!) will be eligible for a U-Pass, eliminating excuses for students to drive drunk!!! Oh, wait.

The new universal Unicorn U-Pass will cost $30/month, with students outside of Metro Vancouver paying less.

uh, yeah. we went there.

So, what does that mean for you sexy UBC folk? Yes, our ego may be a little crushed as our elitism is threatened and those plastic cards with horrific photos from first year pop up everywhere. However, great news: MORE SEXY REFERENDA.

VP External Jeremy McElroy broke exclusively to us (ok, it was a tweet to Taylor, but whatever) that come January 2011, there will be a referendum on accepting the U-Pass at the new price of $30/month. Or, $120/semester.

Currently you are paying $95/semester, or $23.75/month, so the price increase for a normal school year will be $50/year.

In comparison, currently those other kids are stuck with the FastTrax program offered from Translink which allows full-time students from non-private post-secondary institutions to travel across all zones for the price of a single zone adult monthly pass. Or, $81/month. Yikes.

SFU, Langara College, and Capilano University (our not-as-hot sisters in the U-Pass program) are also affected. Langara and Capilano currently pay more than $30/month so they get an immediate price cut. We assume SFU will also be holding a referendum to accept the new price. What do you think? Is paying ~$50 more per year worth it for students from Kwantlen, Emily Carr, etc to save $400 per year?

The overarching question to consider is whether we will be getting increased service to UBC, or if we are simply subsidizing increased service along routes to these other institutions.

As we’ve previously mentioned, in addition to the cost of the U-Pass going up, there are also whispers in a not-so-silent manner that AMS Council is going to hold a referendum or two on raising student fees and tying our student fees to CPI. Stay tuned, kids…we have a feeling there will be some sexy and dramatic debate next year about a whackload of fee increases.

For more information on the UBC U-Pass click here or here.