starting this post i really had to think, is this the right title? no. no it isnt. but why isnt it? what would be better? is there a word that would make more sense, that would better encapsulate this feeling of greener grass? i don’t think it’s regret that i’m feeling – there are no urges to turn back, no thoughts of what if i had, only ideas of what could be.

i rarely endure this feeling. i usually just push it down, repress it. allow myself to be held by the majesty that is my life. but right now, i’ll allow it. right now, i’ll let myself think: what could be?

this time last year, i was on my way to advisor orientation with my new team, with new people that i hoped would like me, would appreciate me, and would be my friends. those 9 people, (the 8 on my team and my supervisor) became my rock when i knew it best to leave my boyfriend of 3 years, no matter how much it would hurt. they became my joy when we all donned masks to be one of our beloved teammates on a themed “simon” night. they became my laughter when we chose a character to voice as betty and myself studied for an english class. they became my pride when they (constantly) succeeded. they became my worry when they were hurting, or in a sad or bad spot. they became my family, my fsquared family.

this year, i decided to do something new. i will once again have a team, and they will be extremely wonderful and amazing in their own way. they will help commuter students find a place that is their own, they will support each other and truly care for one another. this is the goal.

but, that’s just it: a goal. there is uncertainty in a goal. there are doubts, questions, hopes.

im thinking about the greener grass. i’m wondering about the what could be, but to be honest, i’m happy. i’m content. i’m pleased with my life. i love that i get to meet new people daily, that i get to encourage others and have amazing chats with new friends.

and here i go again, burying the feeling. or is this overcoming the feeling?

Happiness is the moment where you look around and know: wow.

I’m running a half marathon this weekend. and by running, i mean finishing. i don’t know if I’ll be running the whole thing (i for sure won’t be), but I’ll be crossing the finish line. That’s the only thing I know. I don’t know how long its going to take me. but i do know that it won’t be 1h20 or even 2hrs, probably more like 2.5 or even just 5 hrs. who knows. i sure don’t. but i do know I’m finishing. you know why? because of encouragement.

if you ask most people that know me, there a few things i value more than encouragement. i love, adore, and find joy in encouraging others. i’ll cheer them on, hold them accountable, gently remind them, write them long notes of “you got this” with pretty pens on pretty paper. i’ll even mail them, because why not?

what i crave more than anything is to be encouraged. not pushed, not forced, but encouraged. I’m one of those people that needs to know it was my own idea; that it’s what I truly want. if you tell me, i’ll consider your opinion, but it always comes down to my decision (ask my mother. its our whole relationship haha) i want someone to say “but what do you want? ohk. great. how are you going to do it? awesome. want me to make sure you do it?” and then when i look at them and pause because if they hold me accountable, this means i actually have to follow through, i need them to look at me and smile and just say “hey. you got this”. then i know – i got this. it’s feasible. it’s possible. i truly can.

without those people in my life, i dont know what i would do. i know i wouldn’t be able to run a half marathon on saturday. i know i wouldn’t have been able to move to france when i was 19 and live there, with no friends or family to accompany me, for over a year. i know i wouldn’t have been able to have the confidence to make my UBC experience my own, and not just been another student. i know i wouldn’t have been able to make decisions that were hard, but right.

without the power of encouragement, i would be the jonah hill of the seawheeze, instead of the leonardo dicaprio of the seawheeze.

YOU GOT THIS, JONAH!

joy. just pure joy.