On Friday I saw a new friend of mine on my way to class. I said the usual “hey how are you?” And he said “oh you know. My girlfriend and I broke up this morning. I guess that makes her my ex girlfriend. So my exgirlfriend friend and I broke up this morning” I was shocked. Totally shocked. I began with the well-are-you-ohk, which was closely followed by a this-could-be-a-great-thing. He quickly agreed and said he’s excited to now focus on himself.
Fast forward 23 hours. I got to see my bestie. We chatted about life and religion. She and I think very similarly about a lot of things, and we question a lot. We talked about how important it is to be able to grow spiritually with a significant other. How it’s a deal breaker if we can’t, or they refuse to talk about their spiritual beliefs. How it’s such a vital part of a relationship.
But… what does that look like?
Rewind 11 months and 18 days. My boyfriend came to visit. He didn’t know this would be his last visit, but I did. I answered the door with puffed eyes and Kleenex. He knew I was upset. News flash: this is no news flash. At this point in my life, I was usually crying about something. Mainly because I was so unhappy with my life. I wasn’t moving forward. My relationship was, but I wasn’t. We were talking about engagement and adopting Prince William the IV (a chocolate lab we’d fallen in love with in our imagination) and how we would name our daughter Isabella and our son Scrapy (cuz we have no good boys names). We talked about where we would live, what we would do… how we’d never deny each other, but always love and appreciate each other. It was in these conversations that I began to think, what is we? how is there a we without a me? What about the me? What do i do with my me? Where does my me want to go?
Is it possible to grow with someone? I would say that it’s possible to grow along side someone – not as the same speed, or with as deep as roots, or perhaps even the same species. But growth is possible. You can encourage each other to grow – you can encourage each other to be better, to ask the questions and seek out answers.
I don’t agree with divorce. I know, I know, who does? Who goes into the marriage just thinking “eh. if we don’t want each other in 4 years, we can just split. no bigs”. Let me explain… I am so certain that I will not choose to get divorced that once I get married, I’ll be getting a white tattoo under my wedding band that says “married” is cursive. I know I want to do this, because i see marriage as a forever thing. but, as a 24-year-old adult, this terrifies me; to think that I will be with one person forever. In my 3-year relationship with my ex-boyfriend, we made plans. we planned on growing together. but, then one day, i realized…
i…
wasn’t.
I wasn’t growing. in fact, I was shrinking.
When life is confusing, Meredith Grey helps me sort things out. In an episode, a guest star explains how she feels about her 30-year marriage:
“when you spend your life with someone, and you have kids together, you think it will always be this amazing, this wonderful, that you will always feel that kind of love. And I do, I do love [my husband]. I just… well, little pieces of you get chipped away, by another person. And you shave little pieces of yourself away so that they’ll fit together. And one day you look up, and you don’t even know who you are” (5.01)
Am I able to grow with my love? Can I develop myself while still maintaining my relationship? I couldn’t for the last one. I felt like I had to choose, because the old me was dying, drowning in future “we” fantasies.
It is because of these doubts, these questions, that I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready for a grown up relationship. That, and my adoration of Ryan Gosling….
isn’t he handsome?
Photo from here
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