the musings, raves and rants of a girl named caitlin
Today I had community group. It’s like bible study, but with an emphasis on growing as a community. We chatted about a lot, and I shared a lot. I love being real with people that (I hope) won’t hurt me intentionally. They affirmed that I am a positive person, and I love that.
So, to bring my positive spirit to you, I give you something that I pretty much do in my head every moment of every day: a daily affirmation.
Note: I know it’s not a song, but this is:
soooo I’m sick. I’ve had this weird head cold for about a month now, and it’s still not gone. glahfnenaksdw. That’s what I say when I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
On that note, here’s a breathtaking song from Mr. Fitzsimmons.
At 24 years old, and weighing in at many-more-pounds-than-the-average-athelete, I ran a half marathon. Before this, I hadn’t even finished Color Me Rad, a 5km “run” at UBC (that’s a secret I said I’d never tell anyone…… welp.) When I called my mom and told her that I’d signed up for the Seawheeze, Lululemon’s Half Marathon, she said “Oh honey that’s so great! You know that means you’re going to have to train though, right?”
yea right, mom. oh wait…. let’s review. I’m not active. ever. like, ever. I’d rather wait 15 minutes than run the 5.6 seconds it would take to catch the bus that’s about to leave. Well, at least I wasn’t active.
I love lululemon… so much. One thing they do really well is talk about goals. They have so many helpful blog posts, filled with tips and tricks (yes, all those words are different links to posts on lulu’s blog on the topic of goals). One thing I’ve always failed miserably at is goals. I think it’s just because I don’t like creating them.
When I worked at Olive Garden, I trained a lot of the staff there. That meant that I also went through the training myself at least once a month. One of my most ridiculous favourite memories is from the first training session; I always had to read this quote aloud:
It just made me laugh every time because I’d be thinking to myself “I’m saying this to 17-year-olds who want nothing more than to have some spending money while they still live at home. how is this quote impacting them at all?” Who knows if it ever impacted them, however it was impacting me.
Lululemon gives you some amazing tools on how to do long term and short term goals. If their tools work for you, great! (and I’m a bit jealous haha) I’ve never been a traditional goal setter. I’m a very *very* short term goal setter, but also a very long term, achievable goal setter. I think this started when I realized that there’s a lot in my life that I can’t control. I’ll make goals like “I’m going to do yoga three times this week” or “I’m going to do all of my Christmas shopping in the next 4 days”. I’ll also make the goals that say “I’m going to graduate from UBC with my degree in Honours English and then get into Education and become a teacher”. But even that goal seems unrealistic, because even though I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was in kindergarden, I’d be ohk if my dreams take me elsewhere. If all of a sudden one morning I realized I’d rather be in Student Development or drive a tractor, I want to be able to do that and not worry about missing a goal or letting myself down in one way or another.
The awesome thing is, that even though this may seem like not the most organized or forward-thinking way of going about things, I am still in a pretty great position. I have two awesome jobs and am succeeding in Business Without Really Trying school. You need to make SMART goals that are attainable for you; goals that don’t overwhelm but encourage and support.
Whether you take the more traditional and organized route towards your goals, or a more meandering, short term route, please always be moving forward. I ran the half marathon, first with the goal of finishing (actually) and then with the goal of finishing in under 3hrs. I finished at 2h46 and I’ve never been more proud of myself. I weeped when I crossed the finish line. My dad was waiting for me at the end, and I’d just passed three of my closest friends – I felt nothing but uplifted and encouraged. I did it; I tackled the Seawheeze and I came out on top. Next year, I will train more (reality check: I barely trained. bad news bears), I will eat right, I will not drink something I’ve never had before while running my first half marathon, and I will run it in less than 2.5 hrs. goal set.
Bet van Persie didn’t see that opportunity coming. He really made the most of it – good goal, sir.
Today is the day. Today, I will start being a good great stellar student. I’ll do this by starting to study. I’ve been reading all the books I’ve supposed to (except for French. sorry, friend). I’ve been totally in love with all my English classes
It’s almost like I chose what I wanted to study or something… I love being grown up growing up.
But with growing up comes the reality that you no longer have to do anything if you don’t want to. You may have to deal with some pretty crummy consequences, but that’s up to you now.
so, here’s to my new vigour – this decision to work hard. As my wise friend Raff says, there’s only 1.5 months left until exams. that’s nothing… right?
Tune here –> Do Your Thing [Jaxx Club Mix]: Basement Jaxx
good morrow, friends. It’s currently 11:29pm (or 23:29 if you use my electronics), and it’s time for something crazy……… like saying morrow in the evening.
I’ve decided to start a new thing. it’s called Tuesday Tracks. Each week they’ll be a new theme and a song to follow suit. This weeks is: Longing.
Linked to my last post (and kinda my first post), I’m interested in relationships. I’ve been single for almost a year now, and am starting to think I am might be ready to start seeing someone again. I’ve gone on dates, but an actual, real relationship is what I’m talking about. We’ll see where my path guides me. (aka: what kinda cute boys are around…)
Here’s this week’s song: To Whom It May Concern
When I was 12, my youth leader encouraged us to start writing letters to our husband. I did it, and have since written a few. I honestly have no idea where those letters are – I’d love to find them so I can laugh at young Caitlin, and probably wish that I had lived up to her expectations.
But that’s then, and this is now. This is a song dedicated to my future love. Please enjoy.
On Friday I saw a new friend of mine on my way to class. I said the usual “hey how are you?” And he said “oh you know. My girlfriend and I broke up this morning. I guess that makes her my ex girlfriend. So my exgirlfriend friend and I broke up this morning” I was shocked. Totally shocked. I began with the well-are-you-ohk, which was closely followed by a this-could-be-a-great-thing. He quickly agreed and said he’s excited to now focus on himself.
Fast forward 23 hours. I got to see my bestie. We chatted about life and religion. She and I think very similarly about a lot of things, and we question a lot. We talked about how important it is to be able to grow spiritually with a significant other. How it’s a deal breaker if we can’t, or they refuse to talk about their spiritual beliefs. How it’s such a vital part of a relationship.
But… what does that look like?
Rewind 11 months and 18 days. My boyfriend came to visit. He didn’t know this would be his last visit, but I did. I answered the door with puffed eyes and Kleenex. He knew I was upset. News flash: this is no news flash. At this point in my life, I was usually crying about something. Mainly because I was so unhappy with my life. I wasn’t moving forward. My relationship was, but I wasn’t. We were talking about engagement and adopting Prince William the IV (a chocolate lab we’d fallen in love with in our imagination) and how we would name our daughter Isabella and our son Scrapy (cuz we have no good boys names). We talked about where we would live, what we would do… how we’d never deny each other, but always love and appreciate each other. It was in these conversations that I began to think, what is we? how is there a we without a me? What about the me? What do i do with my me? Where does my me want to go?
Is it possible to grow with someone? I would say that it’s possible to grow along side someone – not as the same speed, or with as deep as roots, or perhaps even the same species. But growth is possible. You can encourage each other to grow – you can encourage each other to be better, to ask the questions and seek out answers.
I don’t agree with divorce. I know, I know, who does? Who goes into the marriage just thinking “eh. if we don’t want each other in 4 years, we can just split. no bigs”. Let me explain… I am so certain that I will not choose to get divorced that once I get married, I’ll be getting a white tattoo under my wedding band that says “married” is cursive. I know I want to do this, because i see marriage as a forever thing. but, as a 24-year-old adult, this terrifies me; to think that I will be with one person forever. In my 3-year relationship with my ex-boyfriend, we made plans. we planned on growing together. but, then one day, i realized…
i…
wasn’t.
I wasn’t growing. in fact, I was shrinking.
When life is confusing, Meredith Grey helps me sort things out. In an episode, a guest star explains how she feels about her 30-year marriage:
“when you spend your life with someone, and you have kids together, you think it will always be this amazing, this wonderful, that you will always feel that kind of love. And I do, I do love [my husband]. I just… well, little pieces of you get chipped away, by another person. And you shave little pieces of yourself away so that they’ll fit together. And one day you look up, and you don’t even know who you are” (5.01)
Am I able to grow with my love? Can I develop myself while still maintaining my relationship? I couldn’t for the last one. I felt like I had to choose, because the old me was dying, drowning in future “we” fantasies.
It is because of these doubts, these questions, that I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready for a grown up relationship. That, and my adoration of Ryan Gosling….
isn’t he handsome?
Photo from here
if you love tv as i love tv, you love the office. and if you do, you know that the title of this post is also related to a win win win situation, where you, my conflict mediator, also win for successfully mediating a conflict.
conflicts. man oh man. we have them, whether we know it or not. i usually have them with myself. i have to decide: what’s the better way – the reward of the moment or the possible long term reward? sometimes the moment wins, but not usually. the win win win is when the moment links to the long term. dear LORD how i love it when that happens. it rarely does. cuz the moment caitlin is the caitlin that loves to forget about consequences, both the good and the bad (yes. there are good consequences. look it up). the moment caitlin, she can be crazy, and do crazy things. she can hurt friends, and thereby hurting her self. she can also be crazy by signing up for a half-marathon without realizing that she won’t have the time to train, let alone the will power. she’s pretty much this girl:
keeping with the office theme, we welcome Karen a-fili-pel-ee to the stage.
While Rashida Jones is wonderful, I don’t wanna be #caitlinfunk #yolo. I wanna be #caitlinfunk #awesomelywiseandcoolchick
How am i to deal with this conflict – the inner conflict?
worst part is, i know what to do. i just reaaaaaaally don’t want to.
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