To: Jobina Tamminga
From: Jenny Zhu
Date: December 1st, 2019
Subject: Peer Review of Formal Report Draft
The subject investigated in your formal report is relevant and interesting. Below are some suggestions that may help while your report is being completed.
First Impressions:
Very well done as a first draft. The report is nicely laid out, with short sections that are welcoming to read. The information presented is easy to understand because of the simple and concise language. There are some parts where the wording of sentences could use some attention.
Organization:
The major sections are present and presented in a logical fashion.
Title Page and Table of Contents:
The title page is well presented and the headings in the table of contents are short and concise.
- Pluralizing “student” under “Figures and Tables” Figure 4
Introduction:
The introduction captures the reader’s attention and is very well written. One of the highlights is that it outlines what the report entails.
- Would it help this sentence flow better if “and” is added before “thus”? The organization…. thus requires participation from students.
Data Section:
“Overview of SUS”
This section gives a good understanding of SUS and raises emphasis using statistics/numbers.
- Decreasing repetitiveness by removing the word “them”: “Additionally, there are at least 19 committees with 15 of them requiring volunteers to be on them.”
- Restating this sentence in a more positive manner: “If students do not fill positions or do not attend meetings, motions will not pass”
- E.g. More students filling positions and attending meetings will increase the chances of motions being passed.
- Would replacing the word “that” with “where” makes this sentence clearer? “If students voice … they are allocating their own tuition money that they want.”
“UBC Election Data”
Again, good use of numbers. Seeing things in terms of statistics helps put things in perspective.
- Adding a word between “have” and “than”: “All of these years have than…” (Under “UBC Election Data”)
- Using a color other than grey may help distinguish the categories in Figure 1.
“Survey on Student Participation in SUS”
The graphs capture the low participation in SUS well and supports the importance of this report.
- Pluralizing the word “student” and eliminating the use of of second person: “It was also found that 68.2% of student had never volunteered … 20% did not know that you could volunteer with SUS as seen in Figure 4.”
“Overall Feedback on Participating in SUS”
This section has compelling statements that are also easy to relate to since they came from students. The information is great, but the wording could be improved upon to remain consistent with the professional style throughout the piece.
Research on Current Practices at SUS:
Having multiple sources of data is a benefit. Both information from general science students, and “insider” information from SUS are present.
Possible solutions for increasing student participation:
Solutions presented are feasible and well thought out. They seem very achievable.
Short term solutions:
- Adding something in front of the word “don’t”: “Many students feel intimidated or don’t belong in the building and avoid going inside.”
- E.g. …that they don’t…
- Reducing the usage of the word “it”.
Long term solutions:
- Revising this run-on sentence: “The SUS Facebook page already posts a lot, which helps students who follow SUS, though is not helpful to students who do not follow the page.”
- Perhaps replacing “though” with “but”
Conclusion:
The conclusion sums up the report nicely and presents clear action items.
Style:
This report is very reader-oriented, as seen in the usage of “-ing” verbs. The report would flow better if there are fewer “its” (the word “it”), especially in the second half of the report. Also, writing in third person would be more suitable than second person. Finally, focusing more on keeping the tone positive would help deliver the message better 🙂
Design:
Very well laid out and easy on the eyes. Appropriate spacing and font. Figure 1 could use other colors to help distinguish the categories, but the other figures are presented clearly.
Grammar and typos:
Below is a compilation of the grammar mistakes and typos:
- Pluralizing “student” under “Figures and Tables” Figure 4
- Adding a word between “have” and “than”: “All of these years have than…” (Under “UBC Election Data”)
- Pluralizing the word “student” : “It was also found that 68.2% of student…” (Under “Survey on Student Participation in SUS” )
- Revising this run-on sentence: “The SUS Facebook page already posts a lot, which helps students who follow SUS, though is not helpful to students who do not follow the page.” (Under “Long term solutions”)
Overall:
The topic of the report is well chosen, the data and statistics are informative, and the whole report is easy to follow. Looking forward to the completed version. Amazing job!
Enclosure: 301-Jobina-Tamminga-Formal-Report-Draft
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