Slow news weekend? Nonsense. Here at AMS Confidential, we’ve uncovered a bushel bask of RED HOT TIPS for your perusal.  We’re totally like Gillian Anderson as Agent Scully: hot stuff, hot on the case.  Except, you know, there’s two of us.  And we’re pretty sure K is Agent Mulder.

It’s important to note before we reveal this information that we’re aware some of it is pretty hush-hush.  We thought long and hard before letting this out into the open, well aware that we were running a risk in revealing this to the public too soon.  Some of you may not be able to handle the level of scandal we’re about to reveal—for those with weak hearts, we advise taking it in small doses, perhaps by covering part of your monitor with a piece of paper and slowly sliding it down to reveal wee, bite-sized pieces of dirty linen.

IT JUST WON'T DIE (Gerald Deo photo)

Tim Chu’s commitment to his mandate is impeccable: he’s got, like, two whole referenda!  Referenda he’d kind of pledged to do anyway!  He wants the AMS to “actively lobby” for less tuition and more government funding—because currently, they think it’s totally okay for those things to happen! or something like that wherein tuition fees rise as the value of the dollar drops, so you’re not actually paying any more real dollars! but the number is bigger! it’s important!  Also, disabilities.

Mike Duncan is Natalie Swift’s advisor!  Sasa Pudar (UBC Spectator) is running Jeremy McElroy’s campaign!  Running a campaign does not constitute a conflict of interest!  (We think.)

While we’re at it, the following people are rumoured to have potentially conflicting relationships:

• Bijan Ahmadian & Ben Cappellacci
• Jeremy McElroy & the Entire Goddamn Ubyssey
• Me & Your Mom
• Johannes Rebane & Stas Pavlov

He also loves babies, waxing.

Joke candidates past and present, take note, we are calling you out: Jeremy McElroy is Kommander Keg!  Geoff Costeloe is the Comrade!  And—OMG—hottie Student At Large Nick Fitzgerald is the Invisible Man.  Or, at least, his translator.

Blake Frederick & Bijan = NOT BFFs

The Entire Ubyssey Board of Directors = in the same frat.  Except for Blake.

And, in case you didn’t know—Johannes Rebane is really, really mean. Really, really, reallllllly mean.

caption contest in the comments, yo

Got any more breaking news for us?  Leave it in the comments!  I’m gonna go drink.

…or, rather:  I’m gonna go drink!!1!!1!

(Editor’s Note: Issues That Matter is concerned about our journalistic integrity. Of which we obviously have shit tonnes of. We don’t kiss and tell, but we do like to drink beer after council meetings. In case you wanted to know, as we know you are so concerned with our unbias)