Tag Archives: nerdbait

And you thought the last meme post was forced.

Elections season is over, which, these days, means it’s time for recount/contest season! Rather than recount the Trasolini/Platt saga at great length, we’ll recap shortly, and then present the only result we care about: ACKBAR ACKBAR ACKBAR

So.

Trasolini loses by one vote, cast by AUS EA Matt Naylor to break a tie.
Trasolini writes open letter, claiming that ballots were miscounted (he has proof!!) & he should have won by two votes.
Wahmbulance called.
Recount reveals that Platt is still winner.
??????

Anyway, here’s a thought to cheer you up, Artsies. Sure, we’re starting the new elective year on a wonky note. But there’s so much for us to anticipate! Yes, you, Foresighted Arts Voters, had the courage—the understanding—the bravery to elect Seannie C., a.k.a. ADMIRAL ACKBAR. We here at the Confidential (okay, I here at the Confidential) are Huge Fucking Star Wars nerds, and we’re super-excited for the opportunity to spend an entire year doing variations on the trap meme.

When we haven’t had our caffeine:

tip your goddamn barista, kids, we're fucking starving

When we’re feeling just too old to keep up with you political whippersnappers:

tis not a woman true, but a half creature, neither fish nor foul

When shit’s about to get funky:

in west Coral City, born and raised / on the Calamarian Council is where I spent most of my days

WE’RE SO EXCITED!!! WE’RE SO EXCITED!! WE’RE SO SCARED

Gossip Sunday: Too Many Memes

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Lazy Sunday. We’ve been called a gossip rag enough times that we may as well act like it.

Anyone sick of tsk-tsking the AUS for innumerable (okay, three) candidate mis-steps yet? We’re watching you, Mary Leong and Michael Haack, but HOLY JESUS Ryan “Not Too Fine to Fine” Trasolini, read the manual, son. Additionally, rumor & our inbox have it that one of the Presidential candidates has started offering cash money for VFM coverage. But of course, we’re all way too srs jrnalism bsns to take that deal, amirite?

Friday night also saw the kickoff of UBC Votes events, beginning with a well-attended concert at the Pit. Your Confidentialites were too busy being anonymous/sucking face to pay much attention, but luckily AUS Voting Committee Superstar Taylor L. brought along her camera. Hence, we’ve got these for you:

First, AUS presidential candidate Mike Silley.

imminent warning: lacks logo, date, time, approval

AMS Elections EA & CRO, also Second-Cutest Couple [#barf]

cause : effect

But by far the highlight of these photos was our first opportunity to cry APPARENT SLATE

quick, while he's facing away

CANOODLIN’!!1!!!11! OUT. RAGEOUS.

Hack vs. Hack

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Oh goodness, y’all.

In a grandiose lesson about knocking on wood, not counting chickens before eggs are hatched, ETCETERA, in tonight’s council meeting our illustrious EA Isabel informed the group that the heretofore scandal-free AMS elections were, in fact, scandalicious.

Ladies and gentlemen: it appears we got hacked.

like, it was way rad

For big fat details in all their glory, you can read the full text of the Elections Fraud Report. A quick summary follows, however, for you kids on the go.

Mark Latham, Voter Funded Media guru, was analyzing data for his own purposes & discovered an apparent irregularity; he notified Isabel, who alerted the proper authorities.
There are 731 “Suspect Votes” which were identified as being from the same IP address & voting in a four-hour bloc (a very large number of votes in a very short amount of time).
An independent party, Forensic Data Recovery (FDR), has been hired to investigate this occurrence and see if their are other instances of voter fraud in the elections.
These 731 votes affect ONLY the following races:

the single passing referendum (tuition policy = LOWER PLZ)
UBC Senate
VFM
OH FUCK WHAT

It’s still uncertain how the suspicious activity happened, whether or not saved votes were overwritten or the fraudulent votes were independent, etc. etc. Is it possible that previous races were affected? oh yes. Is it possible that there is undetectable fraud happening in our elections? Well, in the words of Speaker Dave:

We said they were a hacker. We didn’t say they were a super-smart hacker.

Sleep soundly, voters. Oh, and the UBC Votes team (AUS, EUS, HKUS, & SUS) will not be using this online voting system, they will use WebVote. And you, O Computer Elite of the Cloning Powers, we have but one request for you:

OH GOD PLEASE it's been such a slow month

Red Hot News Media

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Slow news weekend? Nonsense. Here at AMS Confidential, we’ve uncovered a bushel bask of RED HOT TIPS for your perusal. We’re totally like Gillian Anderson as Agent Scully: hot stuff, hot on the case. Except, you know, there’s two of us. And we’re pretty sure K is Agent Mulder.

It’s important to note before we reveal this information that we’re aware some of it is pretty hush-hush. We thought long and hard before letting this out into the open, well aware that we were running a risk in revealing this to the public too soon. Some of you may not be able to handle the level of scandal we’re about to reveal—for those with weak hearts, we advise taking it in small doses, perhaps by covering part of your monitor with a piece of paper and slowly sliding it down to reveal wee, bite-sized pieces of dirty linen.

IT JUST WON'T DIE (Gerald Deo photo)

Tim Chu’s commitment to his mandate is impeccable: he’s got, like, two whole referenda! Referenda he’d kind of pledged to do anyway! He wants the AMS to “actively lobby” for less tuition and more government funding—because currently, they think it’s totally okay for those things to happen! or something like that wherein tuition fees rise as the value of the dollar drops, so you’re not actually paying any more real dollars! but the number is bigger! it’s important! Also, disabilities.

Mike Duncan is Natalie Swift’s advisor! Sasa Pudar (UBC Spectator) is running Jeremy McElroy’s campaign! Running a campaign does not constitute a conflict of interest! (We think.)

While we’re at it, the following people are rumoured to have potentially conflicting relationships:

Bijan Ahmadian & Ben Cappellacci
Jeremy McElroy & the Entire Goddamn Ubyssey
Me & Your Mom
Johannes Rebane & Stas Pavlov

He also loves babies, waxing.

Joke candidates past and present, take note, we are calling you out: Jeremy McElroy is Kommander Keg! Geoff Costeloe is the Comrade! And—OMG—hottie Student At Large Nick Fitzgerald is the Invisible Man. Or, at least, his translator.

Blake Frederick & Bijan = NOT BFFs

The Entire Ubyssey Board of Directors = in the same frat. Except for Blake.

And, in case you didn’t know—Johannes Rebane is really, really mean. Really, really, reallllllly mean.

caption contest in the comments, yo

Got any more breaking news for us? Leave it in the comments! I’m gonna go drink.

…or, rather: I’m gonna go drink!!1!!1!

(Editor’s Note: Issues That Matter is concerned about our journalistic integrity. Of which we obviously have shit tonnes of. We don’t kiss and tell, but we do like to drink beer after council meetings. In case you wanted to know, as we know you are so concerned with our unbias)