Peer Review of Formal Report Draft: “Improving the Internship Program at L’Oreal Indonesia”

To:                              Emily Krisnamurti, English 301 Student

From:                         Janice Pang, English 301 Student

Date:                          December 5, 2019

Subject:                     Peer Review of Formal Report Draft: “Improving the Internship Program at L’Oreal Indonesia”

Thank you for preparing a thorough formal report draft for your investigation on “Improving the Internship Program at L’Oreal Indonesia”. The recommendations offered in the formal report are well-reasoned and informative for enhancing the internship program at L’Oreal Indonesia. Here are some suggestions for the formal report:

First Impressions

• Writing is concise throughout the entire report. All details included in each section are relevant to the topic discussed. Well done.
• Recommendations in the conclusion are supported by survey results and interpretations of findings are logical. Excellent.

Introduction

• Providing ample background to support the need for enhancing the internship program at L’Oreal Indonesia is important in establishing the focus of the report. Great job in effectively including this in the introduction.
• Reducing repetition of third person pronoun, “they”, can vary sentences and improve clarity.
• Moving the concisely written “focus of the report” in the last paragraph of the introduction to subsequent “Scope of inquiry” subsection would strengthen the coherency of the report before the next section of the report is introduced.

Data Analysis

• Including a list of bullet points covering the overall questions asked in surveys allows readers to understand the logic of the surveys conducted. Great job in providing these lists.
• Revising the second sentence of each results from the survey section by minimizing “overstuffed” sentences can make interpretation of the significance of the questions asked in the surveys easier.
• Writing succinct description of survey results under the caption of each figure clearly outlines the main findings and conclusions from each survey question. Well done.
• Aggregating the points described underneath each figure into a coherent paragraph that refers back to the figures will make results easier to follow.
• Reviewing the data presented in the Data Analysis section is important for ensuring sentences begin with words instead of numbers. For example, in figure 3, the sentence, “50% of the participants of the survey…”, should be rewritten as “Fifty percent of the participants of the survey…”

Conclusion

• Detailing the meaning of “N+1” before conclusion section can be helpful as this was not mentioned in previous sections and thus readers may find a disconnect.
• Specifying what the “two different choices” entail in the sentence describing findings from figure 6 in the conclusion section will refresh readers about the choices presented to participants in the survey. This is especially important when summarizing findings.
• Revising the last paragraph in “Summary and Interpretation of Findings” section with a more positive tone can enhance the persuasion of the formal report. For example, the sentence “They did not like the working culture of L’Oreal” can be rewritten as “Working culture at L’Oreal could be improved”.

Organization, Content and Design

• Including names and contact information of readers is important on the cover page.
• Organizing report into introduction, data analysis, conclusion, works cited, and appendices sections is logical and effective formatting.
• Adding subheadings under the results sections under “Data Analysis” that describe major survey findings can more clearly reveal content of the report.
• Giving readers a road map of what is to come in each section can better connect readers from one point to another.
• Using pie charts to provide visual illustration of survey results is an appropriate choice as the data relates to parts or percentages of a whole. Each figure is effectively labeled with a brief caption. Excellent.
• Combining related pie charts into one figure can enhance understanding of the data collected and allow for comparing and contrasting of results presented.
• Editing the text within the figures so that all figures are using the same font as the rest of text in the report will ensure uniformity.

Writing Style and Grammar

• Minimizing colloquialism will increase precision of language in the report. For example, in the sentence, “…all other choices regarding on what to improve is pretty much divided into smaller parts” (found in Summary and Interpretation of Findings), can be rewritten as “…all other choices regarding improvements are evidently divided into smaller parts”.
• Maintaining consistent verb tense and point of view throughout the report can improve clarity and allow for easier understanding of the cause and effect described in the report. For example, the sentence, “There are still a lot of improvements that can be made to the program once you have undergo the internship journey,” can be rewritten as “There are still a lot of improvements that can be made to the program once an intern has undergone the internship journey.”
• Reducing repetition of words and phrases will result in more sentence variations and prevent distractions. This includes minimizing the repeated use of “they” or “very” throughout the report.

Overall, the formal report on improving the internship program at L’Oreal is informative with feasible recommendations presented. With the following edits, the clarity will be enhanced:

• Adding details to describe significance of mentioned entrepreneurship and trainee programs
• Reviewing for colloquialism and verb tense consistency
• Formatting text in figures to ensure uniformity with rest of the report

I hope the suggestions help you in preparing the final formal report. If you have any questions or need further clarifications, please feel free to contact me at janice.pang@alumni.ubc.ca.

Formal Report Draft from this peer review can be found here.