To: Emily Krisnamurti, English 301 Student
From: Janice Pang, English 301 Student
Date: October 07, 2019
Subject: Review of Formal Report Proposal – “Improving the Internship Program at L’Oreal Indonesia”
I have reviewed your formal report proposal for “Improving the Internship Program at L’Oreal Indonesia”. Thank you for preparing a detailed proposal for this assignment. Upon reviewing, I have made some suggestions that are hopefully helpful for improving the proposal.
First Impressions
- The target audience and purpose of proposal is clearly stated in the proposal and qualifications are well-aligned to investigate the problem mentioned. All sections of the proposal are also well organized with clear headings. I suggest that some areas of the proposal can include some more detail to better orient the reader of the proposal who may not be familiar with the industry L’Oreal is a part of.
Introduction
- A concise introduction is presented about the working environment of the FMCG industry. Great job.
- Since I am not a reader that is familiar with the FMCG industry, it may have been beneficial to have included a brief explanation of what qualifies to be in FMCG.
- I recommend that more emphasis should be put on L’Oreal in the opening sentence of the introduction. That is, instead of beginning with “Life in the FMCG industry”, consider the more direct approach of beginning the paragraph with “Life in L’Oreal Indonesia…” so that readers immediately know L’Oreal Indonesia is the main subject being discussed.
Statement of the Problem
- Problem observed within L’Oreal Indonesia internship program can be easily understood in this section. Well done in concisely stating the problem.
- Please review the latter statement in this section to ensure it is not a run-on sentence.
Scope
- The scope of the proposed research is presented clearly. It is clear that you have a good sense of the direction of where the investigation is headed.
- The first point of what training is provided to interns at L’Oreal Indonesia is especially central to the issue described in previous section. Great job in making sure that it is included as the first item in the scope.
- As six points have been listed in the proposal for investigation, perhaps consider narrowing it down to make sure length requirement of the formal report is met. Think critically about whether some of the bullet points can be combined. Will all the points listed be helpful and necessary in helping to create recommendations for improving the internship program?
Methods
- Proposed grouping of interns for interview is well-thought-out and should provide informative data for the questions pertaining to the scope of the report.
- For collecting secondary data via comparing L’Oreal Indonesia’s internship program with similar companies, average salary of interns was mentioned. Although salary and benefits may differ between companies, perhaps be aware that the amount of salary or benefits offered to interns may not necessarily give a reflection of the quality of the internship program. This goes back to our textbook discussing causation and correlation.
- I am curious in the available data that can be gathered from other companies in the FMCG industry. If information on proper training for interns is available, please make sure to define what “proper training” would entail.
Grammar
- Overall, clear introductory and concluding sentences were used for each section that allows readers to understand the idea being discussed. However, do be aware of repetition of phrases such as “very well”.
- Although sentence structures of definitions may not always interfere with the point being conveyed, there were times where it did impact the understanding of the idea being presented. Of note, I noticed that there were several run-on sentences in different sections of the proposal. For example, in the “Background Details of Readers” section, where you stated, “The Head of Human Resources is the one who not only manage the recruitment process of L’Oreal Indonesia but is also in charge of their training program, she has been in the department for around 10 years and is very experienced in it.” In this sentence, I suggest that a period be used in place of the comma preceding the clause, “she has been…”, to avoid the incorrect joining of the two independent clauses.
- I noticed that you commonly used a semicolon after the appositive noun phrases describing the role of a person. For example, you stated “CEO of L’Oreal Indonesia; Umesh Phadke”. In these instances, commas should be used instead of semicolons (i.e. “CEO of L’Oreal Indonesia, Umesh Phadke, …”). Appositive phrases are non-restrictive elements that can be omitted from a sentence without obscuring the identity of the nouns they describe, and these phrases should be separated using commas.
Concluding Comments
The proposal you have prepared is well-organized with a clear purpose and a sound scope and method to investigate problem. With the following revisions, you will be able to prepare a clear, thorough and informative formal report for improving the internship program at L’Oreal Indonesia:
- Reviewing scope of proposal and consider whether all points listed are necessary will be helpful
- Correcting grammatical problems with sentence structure will aid in the understanding of the proposal
- Fewer repetition of the same phrases will improve readability
Best of luck with gathering data for your formal report! I look forward to reading about your findings on our writing forum. Please let me know if you have any questions.
Proposal reviewed can be found here: https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-99a-2019wa/2019/10/06/formal-report-proposal-improving-the-internship-program-at-loreal-indonesia/
Leave a Reply