To: Emily Leung
From: Andree Coschizza, 
Date: October 15, 2019
Subject: Review of Assignment 2.1: Formal Report Proposal
First Impressions
I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading your proposal on enhancing collaboration among sustainability-related groups at UBC. Your proposal was engaging regarding scheduling difficulties among groups, and I had a very good first impression. There was lots of background information on the problem, and your chosen topic seems well tailored to your experience. While there were many excellent points, one initial impression was that the proposal was quite wordy, and it might be advisable to create more concise sentences. Overall however, very good job!
Layout and Design
The layout of your proposal was well done and consistent with the textbook example. The individual sections made the overall proposal very clear, and your thoughts were well organized. Below, I have created a brief critique of each section of your proposal.
- Introduction
This area of the report provided a great background on your topic. There is a clear acknowledgement of the intended audience and provides a good amount of information even for those with no knowledge of the club community. However, although there is a good amount of substance, not all of it is necessary to understand the depth of the topic. For example, there are numerous lists in your beginning paragraphs that are not essential to the audience’s understanding. This not only creates wordiness in the proposal but makes the first few paragraphs a bit more difficult to read. Eliminating these types of sentences, or simply switching up the sentence structure, would make the report more concise and comprehensible.
- Statement of a Problem
These paragraphs effectively outlined the problem at hand. Particularly, breaking the problem up into three implications is a successful tool for the audience to fully grasp how these sustainability groups are affected. As a critique, the statement of the problem echoes some of the same patterns as the Introduction and uses a similar ‘listing’ type sentence structure. Since the types of events were already listed in the first sentence of paragraph two, it is unnecessary to list them again here.
- Proposed Solution
This part of the report was very well written. A calendar is a great solution to this problem and having both private and public calendars will serve both the club leaders and interested students. It is a unique perspective that the report focuses not only on avoiding similar events between groups, but on promoting collaboration between topics. Well done!
- Scope
The scope of this project fully analyses the problem at hand. These questions will provide adequate information to analyze and consider all aspects of the event planning process. If I would have one critique, it would be to also gather information on what a public calendar would have to entail. Otherwise, this scope seems to encompass all the data the final report requires.
- Methods
This area of the proposal is very concise and well written. Conducting both surveys and interviews will gather an abundance of data from a variety of resources.
- Qualifications
You certainly have a lot of experience in both event planning and sustainability groups on campus. Due to your involvement with UBCC 350, you seem very qualified to determine an effective solution. Good job on this part of the proposal!
- Conclusion
The conclusion of the report very nicely wraps up the proposal. It echoes the information already stated and prompts the reader for action.
Grammar and Expression
Overall, the expression of this proposal shows your knowledge on the subject and implies that you are experienced enough to write a formal report on the topic. In terms of grammar and expression, I’ve included a list of suggestions below:
- Using a variety of sentence types in the first four paragraphs will make the report more clear (for example, breaking up the “listing” type sentences with other sentence structures)
- Using more concise language and eliminating unnecessary commas will create a more formal tone
- For example, in the last sentence of paragraph six, instead of, “Because groups are unaware of what others are organizing, their ability to coordinate and prevent this problem from happening, and collaborate with others with similar visions, is hindered, ” one could say, “Due to a lack of communication, clubs are ineffective in coordinating and collaborating on events.”
- The last paragraph of the Introduction has some awkward sentences (for instance, using “well-positioned” as a verb interrupts the flow of the final sentence). Changing this would make that paragraph much more readable.
Thank you for the opportunity to read your report, I very much enjoyed it! It is very well thought out and seems like a very interesting topic to pursue. The only critiques I would have are the recommendations written above, and to potentially research student’s needs in terms of a public calendar. I hope that these are helpful to you when editing! If you have any additional comments or concerns about the suggestions I’ve made, please feel free to contact me.
Best,
Andree
Original Proposal: https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-99a-2019wa/2019/10/11/formal-report-proposal-2/
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