Editing out the Pronouns

Editing out the Pronouns and including details

Please study the examples:

“I enjoyed reading your proposal for the improvement of project team experience in the AMS Game Development Association. Although I have not personally participated in AGDA, it sounds the problem you would like to explore and solve would be very beneficial for students participating in this club. Overall, I think you did a great job introducing AGDA, the problem, solutions, scope, methods, and qualifications. Following are some suggestions for further improving this proposal “(73 words):

The above paragraph needs details:

• What is the problem?
• What is the proposed solution?
• What methods are proposed

I am going to rewrite including the details and editing out the pronouns as an example of how to write clearly (with nouns) and concisely (without pronouns).

“Your proposal for improving participant’s experience with the AMS Game Development Association is enjoyable to read. Solving the problems indicated; unbalanced teams and poor communication, would indeed benefit both the student participants and the Year End Event. The proposed solutions; improving the team development process and increasing communications re instructions and deadlines with participants, define the scope of the investigation and surveying the participants should provide excellent primary data.  Following are some suggestions for further improving this proposal (78 words).”

Another example of missing details:

First Impressions: “Your proposal seamlessly followed the recommended structure of a research proposal. It concisely explained the background, clearly indicated the issue, and provided a set of thoughtful possible resolutions for the problem. Overall you have clear segmentation of the contents, covered all main components necessary for a proposal, and ordered the components properly to lead the readers through from the background to the problem then to the proposal, then to the proposal implementation, and finally come to a conclusion.  This helps the readers to understand the subject matter quickly. Below, I will give a comment for each component of the proposal:

• What is the issue?
• What are the resolutions?

Rewrite:

First Impressions: Your proposal is correctly organized and concisely explains how human activities and attitudes endanger the conservation of sharks as well as providing reasonable solutions for changing negative public perceptions. Please see the following comments for further details: