ENGL 301
Assignment 1-3 Peer review
To: Sydney Storie
From: Alison Ma
Date: June 9, 2020
Subject: Review of your Technical Definition assignment
Title of Expanded Definition: Hydrocephalus
I have reviewed your first draft of technical definition as posted on the team forum. I enjoyed reading it and had a better understanding of Hydrocephalus that is mainly developed in young children. Thank you for your hard work! Please check below the reviews that I think would be useful to you:
Initial impression
My first impression of your work is conciseness. You explained a difficult concept with a handful of vocabularies that you are familiar with. You have done a great job in parenthetical and sentence definition as they are short yet explaining the key points.
You have also given enough information about Hydrocephalus in the expanded definition since you covered four strategies, explaining its meaning with visuals and tracing its origin through Greek and Latin words. I like the way you include an introduction paragraph in the expanded definition, so your audience has a better idea of what it is.
I think the whole assignment is quite informational in terms of the context. If I were your supervisor or editor, I would ask for small revisions in dictions. You could choose words that are helpful to non-technical audiences.
Purpose
The purpose of the definition is clearly defined at the beginning of your assignment. You have used different methods to address the meaning of Hydrocephalus, which is the main purpose of this assignment. Your whole assignment did not stray from the intended purpose and has explained a difficult concept well.
I suggest cutting the paragraph by removing repeated sentences. For example, you have mentioned explaining Hydrocephalus in parenthetical, sentence and expanded ways (line 2); you do not have to mention again in the latter half (line 6).
Target Audience
From the perspective of a non-technical audience, I think the visual is the most helpful in understanding Hydrocephalus. It visualizes Hydrocephalus in the young child’s brain and compares the situation with and without such damage. I really like it, you have chosen the right picture!
I believe that some of the vocabularies are beyond the comprehension of my ability, such as “ventricles”, “cavities” and “cerebrospinal fluid drainage” etc. I like your simplified explanation of “water in the brain” under expanded definition. I understand right after reading this, and I would expect to apply the same explanation on other vocabularies or using other methods like metaphor and figure of speech to help with your explanation.
Imagine explaining this concept to the parents of a young child diagnosed with Hydrocephalus. Even if adults are educated, they are not educated in your profession. Try to use easier words with occasional use of technical terms to address the meaning.
Please check below the list of jargons in expanded definition:
- Cerebrospinal fluid
- Ventricles
- Cavities
- Intracranial fluid
- Ventriculojugular shunt with a spring
- Ball valve
Organization
Under the section of expanded definition, there are an introduction and three strategies, including Etymology, History and Visual. I like the Etymology and History part; they are easy and interesting to know. Visual is useful as it visualized the ventricles expanding in the brain, which causes possible brain damage. Remember that we need four strategies in the expanded definition. I think your introduction paragraph looks similar to the intention of an operating principle, so you could try to fit into this strategy or add a new strategy according to your work and keeping the introduction paragraph.
You have done a great job in the introduction and body paragraph of expanded definition. Etymology helps to understand water in the head, which is a damage to our brain; history helps to reassure the diagnosis of “the accumulation of water in the brain” from early medieval times.
I suggest elaborating more on visual strategy. You explained well about expanded ventricles, leading to increased pressure and swelling of the brain. You could elaborate more, such as under what condition will hydrocephalus happen, or what are its impacts. I understand that you have mentioned a little bit in operating principle/ the first paragraph under expanded definition, but I believe reiterating important takeaways with the help of visuals will be useful to your audience too.
Overall impression
All in all, I like your parenthetical definition and sentence definition; they are concise and easy to understand. The main area of improvement is the use of simpler words or further elaboration in explaining difficult concepts under expanded definition.
I hope my recommendations are helpful in your completion of this assignment. Keep up the good work!
Link to the original assignment: https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-98a-2020sa/2020/06/05/assignment-13-definition-hydrocephalus/
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