TO: Michaela Basciano, The Scribes- writing team member
FROM: Christina Hruby, The Scribes- writing team member
DATE: June 7, 2020
SUBJECT: Review of Your Arterial Technical Definitions Assignment
I have reviewed the first draft of your definitions assignment. Thank you for your contribution to the weekly exercise. Your work is organized and your tone is both appropriate and consistent. I would like to offer you the following suggestions:
Layout: I noticed that in the expanded definition section of your document, you have used subtitles in three of the four expansion strategies. I suggest that you add a subtitle for the first expansion, which is missing a headline. After reading that particular expansion and reviewing the textbook, I think that Operating Principle could be an appropriate selection.
Visuals: The image that you have used to help visualize what an arterial road would look like is a good representation; however, I am not able to read the street names or land marks that you refer to in your explanation. I would suggest adding some labels to the existing image or perhaps finding a version of the same image with a higher resolution.
Phrasing:
- After reading the last sentence of your introduction, a question came to mind. If arterial is a term that you are defining in the context of urban planning, does it concern society in general or also a geographical area. Could another word, besides society, encompass both aspects? Community might imply both an area and its residents. I think that the sentence can also be more direct. I would suggest the following: My goal for this exercise is to introduce a word, in a different light, and to educate those interested in urbanization and the various ways to develop a community.
- In the first sentence of your sentence definition, I think that it would be more precise to say an urban road or throughway with the primary goal of (…).
- The last sentence of your first expansion could be condensed to: They can also connect commuters from their neighbourhoods to large expressways.
- In your second expansion, subtitled: negation, you have used the term at-grade. I am unfamiliar with this term. Could it possibly be profession jargon? Additional clarification of this word would be helpful to the reader.
Definition of term and audience: I think that the last paragraph, in which you explained how an arterial road differs from a local road, was particularly strong. It summed up the explanation nicely, leaving the reader with a clear reference point. You defined your audience in the introduction well, explaining their interests and their field of study. Since the instructions for this assignment included defining a reading situation, I would add a scenario. For example, where, or under what circumstances, would your audience read this definition.
Your document provided me with a good understanding of the word arterial. I hope that my recommendations are helpful in editing your first draft. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance as you complete this project.
Leave a Reply