The AMS is attempting to stop campus media from fucking under their own roof.

Early this morning, The Ubyssey student newspaper was served an eviction notice by the AMS due to their “inability to maintain SUB protocol and adhere to sanitation standards.” The Ubyssey currently has a large office in the SUB, and pays their rent by selling ad space to the AMS. This is starting to become a pattern for UBC, where recently the student union at UBC-Okanagan threatened to shut down The Phoenix newspaper altogether.

Health inspectors raided the Ubyssey offices late last night after receiving a concerning tip that a strong taint-like odour was coming from the Ubyssey offices. Upon inspection, there was an alarming amount of fecal manner found in today’s batch of newspapers. “I’ve never smelled that much taint in my life,” said VP Administration Mike Silley, who was present for the inspection.

The AMS had other grounds for eviction, besides the taint incident. According to former VP Admin Crystal Hon, The Ubyssey has been a health hazard since 2009. “I used to have to deal with them all the time – those rodents are disgusting,” said Hon. “The never ending garbage that is The Ubyssey is a constant pain in the AMS’ ass.”

Ekaterina Dovjenko, VP Admin for 2010 agrees with Hon. “The Ubyssey is just this place of negativity, they only look for the bad side. They never talk about how clean they will keep the new great awesome fantastic SUB, no wonder they attract so many toxins.”

Rumour has it that health hazards aren’t the real reason shit is literally hitting the fan for The Ubyssey.

The AMS is desperate to get back in the Social Justice Centre’s (SJC) theoretical pants after Gazapalooza. The SJC, who is known to complain about everything on campus, apparently tipped off the health inspectors after a rendezvous in the newspaper office ended poorly.

An anonymous source and member of the SJC, referred to as “Kassandra”, went back to the office after a typical Pit night. “I thought he was a good guy, he was part of the paper. Little did I know that him taking me back to his office meant him taking me in the hole.”

The Ubyssey’s interview room was not taped off upon our arrival at the scene, and a sign saying “The Hole” still hung from its door.

“When I got there, he told me he wanted to me to come in the hole, that it was the only place he felt was clean enough. I looked all around the office and agreed. The whole place was just so disgusting and the situation so scarring, I don’t think I’ll ever come again.”

Health inspectors refused to comment on what exactly was found on those questionable couches, but apparently it gets “slept” on frequently. “That co-ordinating editor? Apparently he sleeps there almost every night,” said Kassandra.

Silley did not confirm or deny that the AMS was evicting the Ubyssey in part to fornication. “There’s a reason we’re moving them out of the basement in the new SUB. Lots of windows,” he said.

The SJC is demanding that the AMS make the Ubyssey staff members take equity training, and apply affirmative action to their upcoming editor elections. Rumour has it that a whole SJC slate will be running under the slogan “fuck capitalism, not each other.”

The Culture Editors of The Ubyssey apparently find it sterile enough. (Indiana Joel illustration)

Don’t forget! Today is the spoof edition of The Ubyssey, so remember to pick itup. Also, all Ubyssey staff members are invited to the Annual General Meeting, which will be held in Council Chambers from 12-4pm today.

WIth only a few hours left in the EUS elections, we’re hoping you’ve all already put in the time and research to make informed democratic choices. But if you didn’t, check out this obviously timely and well-prepared post:

THE GOOD

What’s up, Ian Campbell. We knew Ian was running unopposed for VP Finance, because apparently most people—even those paid to do it—just kind of don’t like Finance positions:

And it takes a classy dude to admit Hey, I’m running in an uncontested race and then turn around and say, but it’s still my job to convince you that I’m the right person for the job.

But the real reason we <3 and are endorsing Ian:

1. He’s knowledgeable about AMS affairs, and we like his views on those;
2. He recognized us on a bus and we talked about the above for like half an hour (drunk time).
Yeah, we’re suckers for that sort of shit.

THE KIND OF JUST CONFUSING

Jannel Robertson is one of many running for AMS Rep. Unfortunately, her platform left us scratching our heads a little. (So did her legwarmers and Eminem pose.)

In amongst your boilerplate campus left material (tuition is too damn high, Gage South/Land Use—o hai not yr department) is this:

“Currently the AMS does not have an explicit policy on procedures dealing with sexual assault and violence. Without a policy that directly addresses sexual assault and violence the AMS is not demonstrating their dedication to student safety, a core aspect of student life. I will take action to create an official AMS policy on sexual assault and violence as well as training for AMS personnel, especially pub staff and security.”

Jannel’s Facebook has an extended platform:

“During my term, in order to prevent sexual assault or violence from occurring, I will work with Business and Facilities Committee and Student Life Committee to implement an official training program and workshops for all Pit Pub, Gallery and security staff. This way staff can recognize a potential situation before it develops and hopefully be able to prevent the event from occurring. They will know how to deal with disclosure and where to direct the individual to for support. Proper training of staff can raise awareness and help prevent future sexual assaults or violence from happening.”

Normally we would analyze this and talk about strong and weak points in Jannel’s argument, because it’s not commonplace in elections—and especially not in (stereotypically) male-dominated EUS elections—and therefore a worthy topic of analysis. But in the interests of Lady Feminism As Interpreted by Women I’ve Never Met, that would be wrong. So you know what? BLINDLY VOTE FOR JANNEL. She seems like a good person with a lot of unrelated volunteer experience, and her ideas could be worse. Also, she said ‘women’ and ‘sexual assault,’ so as a feminist, I’m legally obligated to find these good ideas for Council to address.

p.s. I’M SORRY WE CALLED YOU EMINEM, WE KNOW HE’S MISOGYNISTIC AND HOMOPHOBIC AND GLORIFIES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN

THE JUST PLAIN RIDICULOUS

Jihua Zhou (Jay) is a third-year student with “several key issues to address”: parties.

See, a bureaucracy like the AMS will never have the efficiency that a smaller bureaucracy like a student society will ever have; therefore, THE AMS SHOULD JUST GIVE THE EUS THE MONEY FOR WELCOME BACK BBQ/BLOCK PARTY.

“For example for frosh week, instead of AMS hosting a concert they should instead give us the grassy knoll and funds so WE can host a giant kick ass party for the entire campus.”

Apparently, all of campus showed up to Oktoberfest and raised thousands of dollars for the EUS. Simple math proves that if you use more money and throw an even bigger party, even more people will show up, and raise thousands more dollars for the EUS!

Loooooooook, the AMS refused to underwrite more years of ACF because it was a bad idea. If the Engineers want to take a crack at this, that’s great—but in light of IMMINENT FINANCIAL MELTDOWN, I’m thinking hey, maybe this one waits a year.

“Realistic and practical solutions” indeed.

PS Brian Platt totally beat you to the Knoll party idea, foo.

WHAT THE HELL, BROSEPH

Look, we know Engineers aren’t exactly wordy types, but this particular ‘campaign point’ just takes the cake:

“Provide a wide range of opportunity for student involvement in all aspects of the External Portfolio, allowing UBC engineers to experience more than just the academics of university life”
I’ve been to petting zoos with less fluff than that statement. There are entire factories devoted to the creation of pillows and other find bedding which have less fluff.

We know you’ve got ideas, Ben Kernan, even if you don’t have a website. But this is ridiculous. And since you’re running in one of the most contested races, you may wish to step your game up.