To: Matthew Shen
From: Siddhartha Gupta
Date: June 24, 2020
Peer Review: Proposal for Introducing a Beach Volleyball program at Air Attack Volleyball Program.
First Impressions:
The proposal has a clear location and seems like it could be easily researched through primary methods. The topic itself is narrow enough that it could be explored thoroughly in the given number of pages.
Organization:
- The first sentence of each paragraph helps to give an idea of where the paragraph is going.
- Subheadings help guide the reader through the proposal.
- Spaces between questions in the scope seem a little excessive. It would be more readable if it were removed.
Content:
- Your report includes all of the headings required. It also includes an array of questions present in the scope.
- The introduction provides the required context to best help understand your proposal.
- Statement of Problem provides sufficient reason as to the urgency and need to solve the problem presented
- In the Statement of problem, discuss the importance of beach volleyball as a distinction separate from volleyball.
- Under “Proposed Solutions” specify that you’ll be looking specifically into the feasibility of the solution.
- Methods were explicit in their audience and line of questioning. Thorough but concise.
- The conclusion wraps up the document well. The audience of the letter is stated and specifying this the first step is a nice touch.
. Voice:
- Good use of conjunctive words. Gives writing flow
- Your tone should be formal and descriptive. This could be further achieved by avoiding the use of passive voice such as “we”.
- In addition, most formal reports ought to be impersonal, the use of personal pronouns like “I”
Grammar and Typos:
- There are some minor cases of Grammatical Errors which might confuse the reader:
- “As the largest…Richmond, BC.” (Paragraph 1 Line 1-2): The sentence runs on
- Participate in their “competitive program” (Paragraph 2 Line 1): I believe this should be plural as most sports associations have multiple competitive programs.
- “Although Provincial” (Paragraph 2 Line 2): Usually, one should add commas if starting the sentence with a connective.
- “Although there” (Paragraph 2 Line 3): Usually, one should add commas if starting the sentence with a connective.
- Approximately how: Usually, one should add commas if starting a question with a connective. (Scope, Suggestion 3)
Concluding Comments:
Your proposal was well-crafted. It suggests a problem that is both significant and worthwhile to pursue. I’ve summarized improvements:
- Reducing space in scope
- Specifying the feasibility in Proposed Solution
- Less Passive Voice
- More formal tone.
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