TO: Sydney Storie
FROM: Kathryn Simone
DATE: June 24, 2020
SUBJECT: Review of Your Assignment 2.1: Research Proposal
Hi Sydney,
I have reviewed your research proposal and I commend you on your choice of topic. I know that if I were to be pursuing the field of Veterinary Sciences that I would enjoy a more feasible approach for Canadian citizens to attend veterinary school. I do have a few suggestions that will strengthen your proposal.
Introduction
Your first paragraph provides a lot of information but is a bit wordy and could be condensed. For the first introductory paragraph I would forgo the exact details and provide a more general conceptualization of the problem and solution. You go into this required detail in the subsequent paragraphs, so you are actually delivering some of this information twice (such as the fact that the individual must be applying in their own region).
Statement of Problem
While I believe the reader may perhaps be able to imagine why the lack of acceptance would cause a problem, you also do not explicitly detail what problems this issue causes for students in the ‘Statement of Problem’ paragraph. Rather, this appears in the‘Conclusion’ paragraph, where you state “Minimal seats restricted to each province has led to several repercussions for applicants such as applying and studying overseas resulting in additional costs as an international student…” and so on. This should be moved to the ‘Statement of Problem paragraph for better clarity.
Methods
In your ‘Methods’ section you mention surveys from current veterinary students attending the WCVM. You have included appropriate including population stratification and administration sizes. As an addition, it could be helpful to clarify what you anticipate your sample size to be.
My Qualifications
Under ‘My Qualifications’ you mention you ‘knew it would be challenging to pursue an academic passion at the Western College of Veterinary Medicine’, and so on. While important, I do not believe that belongs under this section. Perhaps you can move it to the introduction as it distracts the reader from the rest of your qualifications, which are strong and support your argument. Fixing this ambiguity will provide the reader with a better idea of your qualifications.
Grammar and Expression
– In the ‘Statement of Problem’ paragraph, it says “Each of these factors constructs to an even greater competitor entrance process”. I believe this is a grammatical error and perhaps is meant to read “Each of these factors constructs to an even greater competitive entrance process.”.
– Your ‘Introduction’ paragraph is 10 sentences. I would recommend chunking these into smaller paragraphs to increase readability.
Concluding Comments
I truly enjoyed your proposal and I am confident that your solution would be beneficial for students who are wishing to pursue veterinary sciences. You have a very well thought out proposal, and I hope my recommendations will make it even stronger. Let me know if you have any questions and I would be happy to answer them.
Sincerely,
Kathryn Simone
Link to Sydney’s proposal:
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