Name of the Reviewer: Aran Chang
Author’s Name: Glen Kavaliunas
Title of the Expanded Definition: Assignment 2-1 Formal Report Proposal
Three Questions:
- Is it safe to make a campus tobacco free?
- Should a report contain emotion?
- Do students truly have to choose between inhaling second hand smoking and their education?
Initial Impressions
The overall report is concise and informative; I found it quite easy to read and visualize the background, the problem, the solution and the method in the report. Initial areas of interest for improvement include minor word choices, expressions and the removal of some modal additions to the report. Although the use of modal words may be accepted in some reports, it reduced the impact of your words in some instances, detailed below.
Review of Introduction
The introduction was adequate and introduced the right amount of information required to understand the statement of problem and proposed solution. I recommend the removal of the modal ‘seems’ in line 3 of the introduction. The addition of the modal reduces the impact of the report being presented and takes away from the conciseness of the overall report.
Review of Statement of Problem
Overall, the statement of problem felt weak, but it was heartwarming to read. However, the report should be an empirical report, rather than one filled with emotion. I recommend avoiding the use of emotional adjectives, or nouns to greater bolster the impact of the report. In line 1 of the Statement of Problems, I recommend removing “very distressing” and provide a report on the health effects of second hand smoking on young children. In line 3, I recommend rephrasing “a secondary related problem” to “A second problem related to …” The first phrase is more inclined to refer to a problem lesser than the one previously stated. I am unsure if the intended purpose of the report is to highlight the health problems of smoke to children, or to the general safety of the public. If the case is the latter, I would recommend altering the phrase as stated above.
In paragraph 3, line 1, I recommend rethinking the impact of the sentence. Although it is undoubtably true that smoking is a ‘bad habit’ that should be eventually fixed, it is also irresponsible to make campus a place completely free from smoking. Forcing students to go “cold turkey” can be dangerous depending on the individual, and it would be wrong to force abstinence. I recommend conveying the importance of maintain a healthy student body through a different means.
Review of Proposed Solution
The first proposed solution is adequate and concise. As per previously discussed above in para. 2 of the Review of Statement of Problem I would recommend abstaining from pushing for a tobacco free campus.
Review of Scope
The scope is adequate and detailed. I recommend narrowing question 10 and specify exactly what is important to look at from students.
Review of Methods
The attention to detail in the methods section is outstanding. My only recommendation is detailing what “objective observations” entails. It would be helpful to describe what specific details you will be observing. A very minor correct is in line 2 “as the smoke is not health for any student.” I believe health should be healthy.
Comments about Organization
The overall organization of the report is concise and easy to read. No further comments.
Overall Final Impressions
The overall document is solid and I greatly admire the attention to detail in the methods section. I found very little outstanding improvements to be made besides very minor corrections to the grammar or phrasing, with the exception of push for a tobacco free campus. Overall, I recommend keeping in mind that a should be empirical and thought out. It becomes very muddled when emotions are used, such as in the case to push for a tobacco free campus.
Additional Comments
I greatly enjoyed the document as a whole! The quality and content of the report was fair and concise, with the exception of a few grammatical points which have been noted above.
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