To: Meera Patel
From: Matthew De Rose
Subject: Peer Review of “Proposal for Increasing London Drugs consumer engagement in non-profit community-focused initiatives”
Thank you for submitting your proposal for the formal report. Please see my provided review with some recommendations that might be useful:
First Impressions
The proposal you submitted for assignment 2.1 provided compelling reasoning to investigate if the three proposed solutions have potential to improve customer engagement with donating to non-profit organizations. The logical flow of ides throughout each section was clear and easily understood.
Introduction Section
- The flow of ideas from the introduction of London drugs to the start of the statement of the problem was easy to follow
- The description of London Drugs in the first two sentences could be more succinct by consolidating it into one sentence
- The third sentence contains a description of London Drugs using “their strengths and exposure” to support local communities, which was too vague. Provide more concrete details about what London Drugs strengths you are referencing and maybe add a statistic about their “exposure” if that is available (i.e. number of locations throughout Western Canada).
- The third sentence also states how London Drugs supports “local communities and Canadians” and this should possibly be reworded to “local communities within Western Canada
- The last sentence had awkward wording regarding introducing consumers to the local non-profit organizations and vice versa
Statement of the Problem Section
- This section was very succinct
- Please refer to the first point of the organization section for more recommendations
Proposed Solution Section
- The solutions are clear however are these three aspects of one larger solution being implemented or are these three independent solutions with no overlap?
Scope Section
- The question “what are the impacts of the current placement?” is unclear what you are referring to. Is this referring to visual displays near the cash register?
- The reader would benefit with a definition of “verbal exposure” to ensure they understand you completely
- It would be better to state in each question whether you will be observing the answer in all three solutions being evaluated or for just one of them
Method Section
- What will be entailed with your “communications with coworkers”?
- What are the “changes” you are referring to in the second sentence? It might be more beneficial to clarify how you will implement the solutions and how you will compare the success of each solution. Are you combining each solution into a larger solution? How will you compare this against the situation where none of the solutions are implemented.
My Qualifications Section
- The description of how your experience working with London Drugs and your experience as an economics and business student was very compelling for the reader to understand why you are qualified to conduct this research
- The description of how your experience as a consumer makes you qualified was understandable but would benefit with a bit more concrete examples of how you have engaged with sales associate when they promote a non-profit organization
Conclusion Section
- You discuss the ranking of each solution here but that would be more appropriate in the methods section
- It would benefit the reader if there was a brief recap of what the problem is and then lead into how your evaluations of the solutions will determine the best solution for said problem
Organization
- Try and keep each section self contained by avoiding referring to an object defined in a previous section. For example in the Statement of the Problem there are references to “this initiative” and “these organizations” but it may be better to restate the noun. For example instead of “Although London Drugs has this initiative …” you could state “Although London Drugs has the initiative to … , ” and instead of “There is room to improve the impact these organizations can have” you could state “There is room to improve community outreach for local non-profit organizations when … “.
Grammar
- Sometimes you use a passive voice when it should be active. For instance in the “My Qualification” section you state “A staff member of 5 years, I am …” it should instead by “I have been employed by London Drugs for 5 years…”
Concluding Comments
Overall it was apparent that this proposal was succinct and meant for the reader to understand the research with as few extraneous details as possible. It made a persuasive argument as to what the problem is and why evaluating your proposed solutions will determine the best way to resolve it. With the following edits and another read-through for small errors it will be clear to the professor what your intent is by conducting this research.
- Elaborate more on the conclusion to ensure you have summarized your identification of the problem and proposed solutions are fully clear to the reader
- Ensure you add more details to the methodology of your experiment to ensure that the reader understands how you will be determining the best solution
- Try to make each section a bit more self contained without excessive reference to objects defined in other sections
- Ensure you’re using the active voice throughout the entire proposal
Thank you for reading this review and please feel free to contact me by email if you have any questions or concerns.
Original Post: https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-98a-2020sa/2020/06/19/formal-report-proposal-4/
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