Date: July 23, 2020
To: Jiajie Xu
From: Zainab Rauf Tramboo
Peer Review: Memo to Evan Crisp
Hello Jiajie,
Thank you for submitting the memorandum to Evan Crisp. First impressions of the memorandum are largely positive as the message was very organized and concise. It was easy to understand all that was being suggested to Evan. Below are a few tips that would further improve this memorandum going forward:
Organization:
- Writing the advice in a bullet format makes the memorandum easy to read and to-the-point – well done!
- The introduction and concluding paragraphs are well written, friendly-yet professional, and make a positive impression
Writing Style and Expression:
- Writing in a YOU attitude was noticeable throughout the document and well implemented
- Bullets were short and direct allowing easy understating of the suggestions
- Adding more explanations and examples to the suggestions will help Evan understand better and feel more sure about the tips
Grammar and Typos:
- This writing is concise with no major grammatical errors — though:
- In the first paragraph- “a list of advices was given as below” should be “a list of advice was given as below”
- Again in the first paragraph- “These suggestions are mainly focus on setting up” should be “These suggestions are mainly focused on setting up”
- In the first bullet point- “This is critical helpful to demonstrate the purpose of..” should be “This is critically helpful to demonstrate the purpose of..”
- The fourth bullet point- “Performing “reader centered” writing instead of “I/me centered” should be “Performing “reader-centered” writing instead of “I/me-centered”
- For the sixth bullet- “Applying polite and respected ..” should be “Applying a polite and respectful”
- In the last paragraph- “I wish the above advices on practicing an effective e-mail..” should be “I wish the above advice on practicing an effective e-mail”
- Again in the last paragraph- “let me know if you have further question and concern.” should be “let me know if you have further questions and concerns”
- Here are a couple of sentences to consider rephrasing:
- Fulfilling the information within the subject line.
- Rewrite: Filling key information about the email in the subject line.
- Introducing yourself at the beginning of the letter when first write to the reader. This makes the reader recognize who you are and shows respect to the reader.
- Rewrite: Introducing yourself in the first paragraph/line of the email. This allows the reader to recognize the sender of the email and show respect to the reader.
- …which to behave the important role of the reader in the current situation.
- Rewrite: This demonstrates the important role of the reader in the email.
- Focusing on providing reasons that why shall the reader consider taking actions…
- Rewrite: Focusing on providing reasons for why the reader should consider taking an action…
- Using kindly complimentary closing at the end of the letter (such as Sincerely,).
- Rewrite: Using a respectful and complimentary closing at the end of the letter (such as Sincerely,).
- Considering the rewriting or deleting of the PS section since it is helpless to convince the reader and even demonstrating a disrespected attitude to the reader.
- Rewrite: Considering rewriting or deleting the ‘PS’ section as it doesn’t help convince the reader but rather demonstrates an unprofessional and disrespectful attitude to the reader.
- No spelling errors or incorrect capitalizations were found
Concluding Comments:
I hope that you find these tips useful. To summarize, here is a list of suggested edits:
- Adding more explanations and examples to suggestions
- Correcting the small grammatical errors
- Rephrasing suggestions in an effort to increase details and clarity
I hope my suggestions are helpful. If you have any doubts or questions, please feel free to reach out to me at znbtrmb@gmail.com. Thank you.
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